


Blackbird

by staringatthesky



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Drama, Family, Friendship, Gen, POV First Person, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 02:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 77,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staringatthesky/pseuds/staringatthesky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,<br/>Into the light of the dark black night.</p><p>Because one day Renesmee will grow up, and the miracle baby who seemed like everyone's happy ending is going to become her own person who wants a life and happy ending of her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N- This story is set seven years post Breaking Dawn and is about Renesmee, who now looks to be roughly the same age as her parents. Emotionally she’s a teenager- she’s working out who she is and what she’s doing with her life and trying to understand how she fits into the world. It’s way out of my comfort zone so I’m making no promises about how it’s going to go!  
> I had a lot of issues with Breaking Dawn, to be honest, most of them surrounding Renesmee being born in the first place, everyone’s reactions to her, and then the imprinting. However it also raised a LOT of questions for me about how Renesmee was going to grow up to view herself, her vampire family and Jacob. This story is pretty much me just playing with the characters and some potential answers to those questions.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to be free_

_Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,_

_Into the light of the dark black night._

_-‘Blackbird’, by Paul McCartney_

_ Renesmee’s Journal. _

_The time for change is coming closer. Carlisle’s started looking at real estate again and Esme has stopped planning next season’s planting for the garden._

_Mom and Dad are oblivious, as always. Bella and Edward I mean, I guess I will have to get used to calling them by their names. Sometimes it’s like they can’t look past the bubble of their perfect love and relationship to see what’s right in front of their eyes._

_I’m not going to let them all decide my future for me this time. There is so much I want to do and experience and discover for myself! I’ve been thinking about it, and this time when they talk I’m going to make myself heard. I’m going to say what I want to do. I know they have the collected wisdom of centuries between them, but I want the chance to learn for myself._

_I feel so bowed down under the weight of all their love and expectations. There are so many things that tie us all together as a family. Love, obligation, honour, blood, friendship, dreams, shared secrets…I can’t even count the ways that I’m tied to all of them. I know they mean nothing but the best, I know how they all love me…but just because the cage is a golden one doesn’t mean it doesn’t entrap. I want to fly, and I don’t even know how._

_Jacob…god, I don’t know what this will do to him. I don’t even want to think about it. But I have to do this, I have to at least try, and I hope he can understand._

_I don’t want to hurt him, and I know I will. I don’t see any other way._

_Sometimes I hate them all._

“Hey Loch Ness!” Emmett bounds into my room. He’s wearing camouflage combat trousers and a khaki t shirt and has a bandana tied around his head- I know what this outfit means and I feel the smile spreading across my face. “Come on Monster, put that shit away and come outside, it’s paintball time!”

“Okay, hang on.” I shut my journal and drop it back into the desk drawer and then duck into my wardrobe. I’m already wearing cargo pants (much to Alice’s displeasure I only ever wear cargos and jeans) but my purple t shirt is way too bright so I fling it off and grab my old grey hoodie instead. “Who’s playing?” I call to Emmett.

“Everyone!” he whoops. “Haven’t seen your dog yet, but I guess he’ll play if you are.”

I back out of the closet, scowling at Emmett. “You’re not allowed to call him that.”

“Yeah, yeah, Monster, whatever…” Emmett huffs impatiently at me. “You’re getting as uptight as your dad sometimes.”

I glare at him, and he gives me his dimpled grin in return and reaches out and hugs me. “Okay Loch Ness, I’m sorry…how bout you and _Jacob_ come on my team?”

I grin back. I can never stay mad at Emmett. No one can and he takes shameless advantage of that, saying and doing whatever comes into his head and relying on his dimples and repentance to get him out of trouble. Funny thing is that Rosalie is the only one it doesn’t work on. “Okay, I’ll go find Jake and we’ll be outside in a minute.”

Emmett gives a pretty good Scotch battle cry as he takes the most direct route to the yard by jumping out of my window, and I hear Jasper’s answering Rebel yell from outside. Giggling to myself I run lightly along the hallway to Jacob’s room at the end, knocking quietly.

“Come in Ness.”

It doesn’t surprise me that he knows it’s me. The relationship between Jacob and I is so multi layered and complex, and yet at its heart it is very simple. Maybe we don’t understand why, but in the end it doesn’t matter- the imprint binds us and both of us are connected in ways that seem endless and inescapable.

I push open the door and go in to the room which is as familiar as my own. Jacob is sitting at the desk with the computer in front of him, but he swivels in his chair to smile at me. Unwillingly, I feel the slight shift in my body that always happens when I am close to him, the relaxation of a tension I don’t even know I’m feeling until it’s gone. _Mine. Home._

Jacob has changed little since I was born. Unlike my vampire family he is capable of change- his hair grows, his skin tans and scars – but as long as he phases regularly he doesn’t age so his skin is as smooth and brown and his hair as glossy and dark as it is in my first memories of him. He still looks a little older than I do, early twenties to my late teens, but it no longer raises eyebrows to see us together.

“We’re going to play paintball,” I say. “Come play?”

“Sure.” Jacob turns back to the computer for a minute. “I’ve just been messaging with my dad,” he says over his shoulder. “He says hi.” He types for a moment and then chuckles as he turns off the screen. “I don’t know Ness, I finally get the old guy online so it’s easier to keep in touch and check up on him that he’s okay, and now he’s addicted. Apparently he’s always in football chats and on message boards, and he’s filling up my inbox with cat macros and dirty jokes.”

I laugh. I like Jacob’s dad, although I know he’s never been too sure about me. Jake’s always taken such good care of him, I hope Billy will take care of Jacob after…I push the thought away and smile brightly at Jacob. I won’t think about it now.

Outside the others are fighting about teams. You’d think after so many years together they’d have worked out some system, but no.

“You can’t have Jasper _and_ Alice _and_ Edward,” Emmett says, outraged. “That’s stacking the deck!” He sees Jacob and I coming and waves us over.

“But Alice can’t see Renesmee or Jacob so she’s blind to half your team,” Dad says. I know he doesn’t care which team he’s on, he just has fun winding Emmett up.

“Yeah, but we’ve got the dog,” Rosalie says. “That smell gives us away from five miles.” She grins evilly at Jacob who sticks his finger up at her with an amiable smile. The two of them throw the worst insults at each other, but I’ve learned not to react. They don’t really mean any of it. From a very antagonistic start Rosalie and Jacob have grown to a kind of mutual understanding and respect that is closer to real friendship than either of them will admit.

   “Look, are we going to play or argue all day?” Jasper, with what looks like a bazooka slung over his shoulder, looks impatient. “Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob, Ness…you take Edward. Then I’ll have Alice, Carlisle, Esme and Bella.” He kicks the open foot locker spilling over with weaponry that someone has dragged out of the garage. “Choose your weapons, soldiers.”

I hang back. I’ll likely lose an arm if I get in between Emmett and his weapon of choice and Rosalie is so competitive she’s not much better. I don’t have to worry though, Emmett grabs what he wants and then throws me one of the modified paint ball assault weapons that Rosalie and Jacob built. “Hey Loch Ness, catch! Jacob…here’s yours!” 

“We’re pink!” Rosalie and I shout in unison, grabbing at the ammunition and laughing at each other as the rest of our team rolls their eyes at us.

Jasper orders his team to pick up the green ammunition and then gathers them in a huddle to talk strategy like the experienced soldier he is. He is insufferable when we’re playing paintball, or any military-like game really, and I’m glad I’m not on his team to be honest.

I heft up my ammo vest and head off into the woods with the rest of my team. “So what’s our strategy?” Dad asks, glancing backwards at the other team a little regretfully. He likes Jasper’s organised approach to paintball, and he can’t even shoot Mom with a paintball gun without having to make sure she’s okay. She’s been an indestructible vampire for seven years but he still hasn’t gotten over her human fragility.

“Kick some ass,” Emmett says cheerfully. “Show no mercy…you know, the usual. Remember, we’re ruthless killers Edward!” He smirks at me and Jacob. “Well, some of us are, anyway.”

“That’s an unbeatable strategy, I _don’t_ think,” Rosalie says disdainfully, and Emmett laughs and gives her a smacking kiss on her head.

“Okay then, my able Lieutenant, you tell us what to do,” Emmett says teasingly, and the two of them, Dad and Jacob fall into an animated discussion. I trudge along behind them, not paying any attention. They’ll tell me what to do.

Family paintball is a brutal, no holds barred affair. I always end up being the decoy, along with Jacob, since my heartbeat and slower movements and Jacob’s scent (which doesn’t smell to me at all, I really don’t know what they’re always going on about) makes us too easy to spot. If we draw the attention then the others can sneak up or plan an ambush. Which is all well and good for _them_ , but pretty hard lines on Jake and I sometimes, especially considering we’re the only two who bruise!

I find myself fleeing from an attack, escaping my pursuers and then scrambling along the riverbank, looking for the fallen hollow tree I know is there, figuring I can take a break in there and let my body heal the bruises before I attempt to sneak back to base and refill my ammo vest. I finally see the dimness of my hidey hole and dive in, only to realise I’ve been careless and there’s already someone in there.

“Crap!”

“Don’t worry, it’s just me.” Alice’s golden eyes are gleaming at me in the dimness and I see her teeth as she smiles.

“You’re not going to shoot me?”

Alice laughs. “Ness, Jasper’s got me carrying round Rosalie’s latest prototype…it’s practically a cannon. If I shot you with that in here, you’d lose your head.”

I giggle. “Thanks.”

Alice slaps me gently on the head and I feel the cool wetness of paint dripping down my hair as the paintball she has in her hand bursts. “Don’t mention it.”

“Jerk…I don’t have any paint left,” I say, stretching out beside Alice so I can see out of the narrow opening if anyone is coming. “I just came in here to heal the bruises for a minute and then I’ll have to go and stock up again.” I wipe my face where the paint is starting to drip down into my eyebrows.

“I just came in here to wait for you,” Alice says. “I know you always come down to the river to hide out, and I thought I might get lucky.”

I feel myself tense. “Why did you want me?” Something in her tone of voice alerts me to the fact that she wants me for some other reason that slapping paint in my hair.

“You know I don’t see you in my visions,” Alice says slowly. “I’ve never been able to. Well, that’s not entirely true anymore…”

I freeze. It has always been one of the best parts of being me- that my life and future are not laid out like a picture book for Alice to look over at her leisure. Combine that with the latent shield talent I was born with, which although it is nothing like my Mom’s I have been able to develop enough to mostly shield my father out of my thoughts, and I have more privacy of thought that anyone else in the family. Privacy that I have always treasured.

“I still don’t _see_ you,” Alice says hastily. “Not really. But you’re not just a blank spot anymore either. I don’t know if it’s just that I have been trying to see you for so long now and my own talent is developing, or if it’s that your vampire side is becoming more dominant as you age, or if it’s something else entirely. But whatever the reason, I’m starting to get feelings, and flashes…” She stops talking and regards me kindly. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

I shake my head dumbly.

“Jasper has felt your emotional turmoil recently too,” Alice adds softly. “Adding in what I’ve been feeling too, and we’re worried about you Ness. Something is going on.” I can feel her eyes on me, before she adds abruptly, “I haven’t mentioned any of this to Edward or Bella. I don’t see anything clearly enough to make me feel as though I should, and I would talk to you first anyway. But I am seeing changes coming Ness, big ones…and Jasper’s been sensing a lot of confusion and unhappiness from you.”

 I don’t say anything, and after several minutes Alice sighs. “You’re as stubborn as your parents, you know.”

I flick a glance her way, and shake my head again. “I’m fine Alice, really…please don’t try and look for me in your visions. I’ve got to go and get some more ammo.” I squirm out of my hidey hole and run, careless of stealth, just wanting to get away.

My team loses in the end. Mom shields her team’s minds so Dad can’t hear them coming and Jasper gets everyone so calm and peaceful we can barely react as they ambush us up against the brick wall of the back garage and unleash on us. As soon as the barrage starts Jacob instinctively moves his body to cover mine and, shielded from the worst of it, I’m the only one not completely covered in green paint by the end of it.

As soon as the paint attack is over Jacob steps away from me. We don’t touch each other anymore, not in the casual way of familiarity that we used to.

“Dirty cheaters!” Emmett bellows, spitting out mouthfuls of paint much to the mirth of the other team. 

 “All’s fair in love and war!” Esme says to him teasingly. “And paintball- you know that Emmett!”

Carlisle moves towards Jacob, and I notice the streak of red running through the green paint on his back. “Jacob, let me see.” My stomach clenches, the same instinctive, terrified reaction I have always felt to see my Jacob hurt.

“It’s nothing.” Jacob waves Carlisle away, embarrassed. “Just split the skin a little bit…it’ll be healed in a second.”

Carlisle frowns and looks reprovingly at Rosalie. “You need to be careful when you’re building your weapons Rosalie. Remember that they may be used against Jacob and Renesmee and they’re a little more vulnerable than the rest of us.”

Rosalie rolls her eyes impatiently. “Jake’s just as much part of building them as I am,” she mutters. “Can I help it if he’s a willing participant in his own destruction?” She makes a face at the green paint soaking into her long fair braid. “Thanks for the exercise in humiliation, family…I’m going to go and wash this paint out before it stains my hair green.”

I move close to Jake and follow the trail of blood across his back to its origin on a small cut just beneath his hairline. It’s already healing over. 

Jacob is watching me over his shoulder, his eyes intent on my face. “It’s fine Ness,” he says quietly. “Like I said to Carlisle, it’s just a little nick.”

I nod, not meeting his eyes. “I just had to make sure,” I mumble, turning away and busying myself gathering up the abandoned weaponry and tossing it in to the foot locker. I know both Jacob and Jasper are watching me, but I don’t look at either of them as I finish packing up and begin to run back towards my room. 

 


	2. Talking Changes

“Renesmee?”

I stop playing my violin and look up at Carlisle, who has leaned his head in my door and is smiling at me gently. “Yes?”

“Are you busy? I’d like to talk to everyone; if you’ve got a few moments to join us in the dining room we’re going to have a family conference.”

“Of course.” I place my violin back in the case and follow Carlisle down the corridor to the dining room. Jacob and I are the only ones that ever eat here and the twelve seat dining table is a little superfluous to our needs, but it comes in handy when everyone needs to discuss something.

Carlisle takes his place at the head of the table, beside Esme, and smiles down at her as he folds her hand in his. Alice is seated beside her, talking animatedly to Jasper who has the chair on Alice’s other side. Dad is on Carlisle’s other side with Mom next to him as always, Rosalie is at the foot of the table opposite Carlisle with Emmett leaning backwards on the chair beside her. Jacob sits with an empty chair on either side of him- he’s supposedly been part of the family for eight years, but it’s obvious to anyone who cares to look that they all still unconsciously exclude him. With an inaudible sigh I drop into the seat between him and Rosalie, and look at Carlisle.

“I’m not expecting this to come as a surprise to any of you, but I think we need to consider that the time is approaching for us to leave here,” Carlisle says, getting right to the point as always. “It’s been a good six years here, but the medical research project I’ve been involved in is winding up, and I think I’d like to go back into practice.”

“Where did you have in mind?” Dad asks.

“Oregon,” Carlisle answers. “We have a house there that we lived in years ago- when Emmett was quite new- and it’s ideal for our purposes. The town has grown significantly since the 30s of course, but it’s still a small town and the house is still well isolated and the hunting is superb. I’ve made some general enquiries at the hospital there and I’m sure I can work there if that’s where we decide to go.” He looks around the table carefully before he continues. “I wanted everyone to come together and talk about our options though, because things are very different to the last time we made that kind of move and lived that kind of life.”

Emmett chuckles. “Yeah…last time we did that we moved to freaking _Forks_ , and look how that turned out.” He winks at me across the table as everyone except Jacob and I laugh.

I can’t laugh, not when Jacob doesn’t. I know the story. Well, I know all the versions of the story- I know what Mom and Dad tell, I know what Jacob has told me, I know what Rosalie and Emmett and Carlisle have told me. I’ve heard Grandpa Charlie tell his side. I’ve overheard a million slips of the tongue and off-hand comments when they don’t know I’m listening. As for whether or not I’ve heard the truth…I’ll never really know. I don’t know that there is any single truth about what happened all those years ago.

Before Mom came along and before I was born, they all used to pose as a big adopted family as they moved from place to place. Carlisle would work at the hospital and Dad, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper would all go through the local high school and then off to college, and then the family would move before people noticed no one ever aged. Ten years ago they were in the middle of this little pretence, settled in Forks, the rainiest town in the continental USA, when my Mom entered the picture. She and my dad fell in love, and two years after they met I was born and my mom became vampire like the rest of them.

We stayed in Forks for a while after I was born. There was the mess with the Quileute’s, my Jacob’s people, to sort out, and then the battle with the Volturi. We stayed for a little while after that because of Grandpa Charlie, and because no one knew quite what to do with Jacob being imprinted on baby me and all, but we couldn’t stay forever. Not when everyone in town had known Mom as a human, and would notice how different she was; and not when they were starting to make jokes up at the hospital about the fountain of youth Dr Cullen must have up at his place.

 When moving became inevitable we came here to Alaska, but it was different to the way they’d done it before. There were too many of them to just all go to high school together. There was Jacob to consider, since he wouldn’t leave me and came along with them. And then there was me…the one and only freak of nature who was going to age eighteen years in seven and knew both too much and too little to pretend human like everyone else could. I had to be kept secluded and everyone else needed more anonymity than their previous way of life could offer.

So they did things differently. We had a huge old house outside the city where Esme and Jacob and I lived all the time, and a townhouse in the city where the others would go back and forth from. Carlisle was involved in a medical research project; Mom, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett all enrolled in college; Dad took a position playing in an orchestra; and Alice got a job at a clothing boutique which she soon basically took over and had selling her own designs.

“I don’t know what everyone else would like to do,” Carlisle says. “We’re a much larger family now, which makes going unnoticed more difficult although not impossible. Esme and I would love to have you with us of course, don’t think that has changed! But we also realise you may wish to explore your adulthood and family life alone.”

Rosalie frowns and Emmett rubs her thigh. They spend more time off on their own together than anyone else, but in her heart Rosalie clings to the old Cullen family. I know she would hate it if Mom and Dad took me away now.

“We could go back to high school?” Mom laughs. “This time I’d get to sit at your table in the cafeteria.”

“On Wednesdays we wear pink,” Emmett tells her, mock seriously, and Rosalie rolls her eyes at him as he and Mom laugh.

“High school isn’t as easy as you might think,” Dad says to Mom. “Not when you’re one of us. Do you really think you want to be a freshman again?”

Mom shrugs and I can tell that the idea amuses her.

Beside me Jacob shifts, crossing him arms over his chest. His bicep shifts and I see the Quileute tattoo move with the skin. I wonder how much he misses his own people, and being part of them. He never talks at family conferences anymore.

“I want to come with you,” Alice says in her clear voice. “But I’m enjoying my fashion work so much I don’t want to go back to school right at the moment. Jasper and I have been working on some internet business plans, and this would be a perfect opportunity to launch my online store. Rosalie is building the website for me, and Jasper is going to help me run it, and we can do that from anywhere.”

“Can I say something?” I ask, and a surprised hush falls over the table. I don’t usually talk at family conferences either. “I’ve been thinking a lot about…well, all kinds of things really. I’ve decided that when we move I want to go to school,” I say quietly.

“High school?” A frown flashes across Dad’s face. “But you’re only seven years old.”

“You know my chronological age is meaningless,” I counter.

“Dude, she looks the same age as you do,” Emmett says to him with a low chuckle.

I look at Carlisle, hoping for his support, and see with a stab of relief that he’s nodding thoughtfully. “You’re not visibly aging and growing anymore,” he says musingly. “Cognitively you’ve functioned at a genius adult level almost since birth. Emotionally…” he hesitates. There is no framework for assessing my social and emotional development. We all know it’s not normal.

“I want to be part of the world,” I say softly. “I want a chance to be normal…I’ve been just caught here in this house with only the family for all my life. I understand why it had to be that way, but it _doesn’t_ have to be that way now. I can pass for human as well as anyone else.”

Actually, considering I can eat regular food, I sleep, I have a heartbeat and I can walk in the sun without looking like a disco ball, I can pass for human _better_ than they can, but I don’t point this out.

“Why?” Dad wants to know. “You’ll be so bored in high school, perhaps college or the conservatory…”

I stare at him incredulously. “How many times did _you_ all go to high school? It’s not about the _schoolwork_.” I’ve been taught by all of them all my life- between them they have doctorate level degrees in all the major areas and most of the minor ones, and what is history to me is merely a memory to them. I’m well aware that I’m not going to learn anything new at high school. Nothing academic anyway… “I just want to try and be normal,” I repeat stubbornly. “I want to go to school and have friends and have a life just like everyone else does.”

“But you’re not really normal,” Mom says softly. “You’re special Renesmee, and your life can’t be like everyone else’s life.”

“Why not?” I demand, feeling the frustration rise. “I thought you’d be happy I want to do something! What did you think, that I’d just stay home here forever? All of you have had the chance to be part of the world and make your own choices…I’ve never had any choices at all.”

“There’s no reason you can’t go to school now,” Rosalie says in her cool voice, “You look like you’re an older teen so you’d fit in that way, and I think you’re capable of the same human pretences the rest of us are. You’ll learn a lot, and you might even enjoy it.”

I give her a grateful smile. I knew she’d be on my side, if there is anyone who would understand my yearning to experience a human existence it’s Rosalie, but Dad shoots her a dirty look and snaps, “I appreciate your input Rosalie, but it’s not really your decision.”

“It’s a family decision…” Rosalie begins with a scowl, but Carlisle holds up a hand.

“Calm down please, before this gets out of hand.” He looks across at me. “I’m assuming you’ve given this some thought Renesmee? You would really like to attend school?”

I nod, clenching my hands together in my lap where no one but Jacob can see. I want this more than any of them know.

Dad sighs and looks at Mom. I can tell by the way their eyes lock that she’s opened her shield to him and they’re conversing without words. I feel a flash of irritation as I always do when they do that to shut me out, but do my best to hide it, waiting to hear what they have to say.

“We’re willing to allow it,” Dad says finally. “You need to understand the level of secrecy required though Renesmee- your safety and the safety of the family is paramount and there can be no mistakes or slip ups in your pretence.”

I nod impatiently. As if this isn’t a lecture I’ve heard a thousand times! _Maintain secrecy. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Never let on that you’re not the human you pretend to be. Keep your distance. You’re different, you’re special, you’re unique, you’re not one of them…don’t let them know._

“I know that,” I say, refraining from rolling my eyes. “I can pretend to be a human as well as you can. I’ll be fine on my own at school.”

“You won’t be on your own,” Dad says quietly. He looks across at Carlisle and shrugs. “We may as well do this thing fully- Bella and I will enrol with her. We can think up some kind of cover story.”

I’m too angry and flabbergasted to speak. _No!_ This was supposed to be _my_ time, _my_ chance to finally DO something, and now I’m going to have my _parents_ there?

“Emmett and I will go too,” Rosalie says carelessly. “Five of us will be okay- that’s what it always was before.”

Carlisle smiles. “Back to the old story I guess…one big happy adopted family.” He eyes us speculatively. “Edward and Renesmee will have to be related, since the physical similarities are obvious. Perhaps Emmett can be an older brother, and then Rosalie and Bella can be foster children.” He coughs. “I’d rather not have Child Protection paying me a visit because of inappropriate relationships between brothers and sisters under my care if it can be avoided.”

The others laugh again, but I can’t even raise a smile. My stomach is fluttering with excited nerves at the thought of going to school at last, but the idea of doing it alongside my parents makes me want to scream. Not only attending with them, but having to pretend that Dad’s my brother and Mom’s some kind of sister…ugh. This is not what I had in mind. But I surrender to the inevitable and smile around the table, studiously ignoring Jasper who is regarding me with slightly raised eyebrows. He knows I’m not as happy with the plans as I’m pretending to be.

 


	3. The Cost of Freedom

Later, when the talk turns to practicalities like forging birth certificates and what to do about school records and how long it will take to get the Oregon house in liveable condition I slip out of my chair and leave the room without a word. Jacob moves as silently as a cat but I know he’s following me as I walk reluctantly out of the house and towards the lake. It isn’t until I sit down on the end of the dock that he moves up to sit beside me.

It’s summer in Alaska, and despite the late hour the world is still light, and both of us sit quietly for a time watching the ducks on the lake and thinking our separate thoughts.

“So, are you gonna tell me what it is you weren’t saying in there?” Jacob asks eventually, staring out across the lake. “There’s more to this than just you wanting to go to school.”

I don’t look at him. I _can’t_ look at him, not when I know what I’m about to do to him. My Jacob, who has been my best friend, my companion, my brother and protector and constant…he has always been my world and I his, and I am about to shatter it all.

“When we move,” I say softly, hesitantly. “I want to do it by myself Jacob…I don’t want you to come with me.”

As the long moments of silence drift on, I risk a glance at him. I think I know how much this is going to hurt him but the depth of pain in the brown eyes looking in to mine takes my breath away. _Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…_

“You know I love you,” I say, and the words feel like broken glass in my mouth. “You’ve always been…everything to me. But I can’t…this imprint…it’s not fair Jake. Not to you and not to me. I can’t be the centre of your world anymore...”

I feel the heat before his hands touch me. I run hotter than a human but Jacob radiates heat like a furnace and my skin prickles with the warmth of it before I feel the touch of his hand on mine. His touch…all I can focus on is the way his skin feels against mine and every fibre of my body aches to move closer to him. _No._ I jerk my hand away from him.

 “Ness. The imprint…you know that it’s not about choice. I don’t choose to make you the centre of my world, you just _are.”_   

“Yes, but I _need_ a choice _,_ Jake! How can I know that I want to be with you when I’ve never known anything else?”

My words hurt him. I see him flinch and he turns his head so that he is no longer facing me, his eyes hidden beneath the fall of hair across his forehead. I have to steel myself to keep going, saying all the words that have been burning in my heart and that I know will wound him deep. Deeply enough that he’ll leave me… _please Jacob, don’t make me say it._

“I love you Jacob. I have from the moment I first looked into your eyes when I was a baby. I know you love me too. But the imprinting…this situation is not fair, Jake. Everyone has always just assumed that we will be together as soon as I grow up. The expectations…but how can we know that there isn’t anything else if we’ve never opened our eyes to look?”

His brown skin is as pale as it ever gets. I see the tremors of emotion and I recognise the precursor to his phasing but I can’t stop. I’ve breached that wall and every single doubt and fear and ugly thought in my head is pouring out. All I can do is watch, as my words reach their target and destroy the person I’ve always loved the most.

“You’ve been there my whole life Jacob, being my caretaker and teacher and best friend, anything and everything I needed you were, and I love you for that. I love you for all that you’ve given me…but I can’t be with you just because it’s what everyone expects or because I feel like I owe you.” I can feel the tears starting and I blink them away. I cannot cry.

“You don’t have to be with me in any way that you don’t want,” Jacob says quietly. “That’s not what it’s about Ness. You know that. I love you, and I will be whatever you need me to be…”

“No!” I shout, climbing to my feet, tears vanishing in the face of my rising anger. _Anger is good. Anger is strong. I can do this…god, Jake forgive me._

“No, Jake, NO! That’s just it…I don’t _want_ you to do that! I don’t want to be responsible for the way your life is when I never even chose you! I want _everyone_ to stop making me responsible for them being happy and holding the family together and being the biggest miracle since Jesus Christ! I have grown up with all of you _telling_ me what I am- I’m the miracle, I’m the imprint, I’m the child that completed the family and made Dad believe he had a soul, I’m so beautiful and wonderful and perfect and so _fucking_ special…do you have any idea how much _pressure_ that is? Everyone else was allowed to make mistakes and find their own path but I have all these expectations that have been put on me since the day I was born and I am so sick of it Jake!”

Jacob is on his feet now too, his face twisted with emotion that he’s struggling to contain. His body is vibrating with the strength of his feelings and I know that this is dangerous. He could phase any second now and to be so close to those teeth and claws when he does…I don’t care. I step closer, and drop my voice until it’s nearly a whisper when I continue.

“You need a life of your own Jake. What kind of life is this for you? You’ve spent seven years with nothing of your own- you had me, and a vampire family that you know will never be able to accept you as one of their own. You should have a chance to do all things you ever wanted, to be with your own people, to make your own future…you’re a wolf Jacob, not my pet dog, and you should live that. _I don’t want you here anymore_.” I choke on my own hateful words, but I know how much he will stoically endure just to stay with me and I know that it will take something extreme to drive him away.

I think I’ve done it. A howl rips up from the very depths of his soul as he explodes outward into the wolf and I am flung backwards by the force of it. At the same time there is a shout from the house behind us and I see the blur and feel the rush of wind as someone speeds past me, pushing me backwards, colliding with Jacob and sending the two of them careening off the edge of the dock and into the water. It’s my father, and this time I’m the one who screams as I see the two bodies, wolf and vampire, locked together in the clear water.

“Renesmee!” It’s my mother, standing beside me and looking down at the water in horror.

But already they are separating, and wolf-Jacob is swimming towards the shore, running as soon as he can touch bottom, disappearing into the forest in a blur of flying water and beautiful russet fur. I stare after him and feel the waves of grief welling up, because for all I know I’ve done the right thing it feels like tearing out my heart to watch him leave.

Dad is out of the water and at my side almost immediately. “Renesmee! Did he hurt you?” His voice is gruff with rage and fear, and he doesn’t even wait for my answer but seizes my arms in his iron grip and examines me.

I try to pull away from him. “No! He didn’t hurt me.” Even after all their years of mutual respect and basic acceptance, my father does not trust the wolf inside the man. If he believed Jacob had hurt me I have no doubt he would go after him and tear him apart. Once again the tears well up in my eyes. “I’m the one who hurt him.”

Dad’s grip softens and he pulls me into a hug. “He should have better control over himself,” he murmurs. “You’re not as fragile as a human, but he could still hurt you.”

I step away from my father, staring into the forest at the place where the wolf vanished, but the hopeless feeling clouding my mind isn’t all because of Jacob now. This is exactly what I was trying to tell Jacob about- the way they all seem to keep me high on this shining pedestal of perfection. I have just driven Jacob to phase with my own deliberate, conscious cruelty, and yet all they see is that he may have hurt me. It’s as though they believe I can do no wrong and I am crumbling under the weight of living up to that ideal, terrified of the day when I will inevitably fall and they will discover that I was never what they thought I was.

“What happened?” Mom asks quietly.

I close my eyes so I won’t have to look at them. “I told him I didn’t want him to come with me when we move. I told him to go back home to the reservation, or go somewhere else…just not with me.”

“You sent him away?” Mom says in disbelief. “Renesmee, _why?_ Do you know what that will do to him?”

I open my eyes and stare at her. “Of course I know what it will do to him,” I say flatly. “But do you know what it will do to me if he _stays_?”

Dad is looking at me intently with his clear golden eyes, and I know he’s trying to read my thoughts. He almost never does, and it’s a clear sign that he’s troubled that he even tries. “Don’t do that,” I say to him sullenly, and he at least has the grace to look a little ashamed.

“I want to understand,” he says quietly. “School, sending Jacob away…where has all this come from? What is it you’re looking for Nessie?”

“I don’t know,” I say tiredly, and it’s as honest an answer as I can give him. I _don’t_ know what I’m looking for, because what I’m looking for is freedom and I don’t even know what that will look like for me.

Mom shakes her head. “But sending Jacob away, honey…”

“Bella,” Dad says quietly.

“The imprint though…Edward, you’ve been inside his head! You know what he feels for her, you’ve told me! He’s done nothing but love you Ness, and be there in your life in whatever way was best for you.” Mom is almost fidgeting in her agitation. “I was so against it at the start, but Jake’s dedicated his whole life to keeping you safe and happy and to send him away…”

“Stop it!” I shout. “Just stop it! I know what I’ve done to him and I hate it! But you can’t tell me it’s any worse than what _you_ did to him!”

As soon as the words leave my mouth Mom’s eyes flash with hurt, and I want to bite off my tongue. If there’s one thing no one ever talks about it’s what happened between Mom and Jacob and Dad all those years ago.

“I’m sorry,” I say to her unsteadily. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t keep doing this either.” I look across at Dad, begging him to understand. “I love Jacob, but this situation isn’t fair on either of us. It’s not fair that he’s stuck with me when he could be having a normal life of his own. There are no vampires in Forks now, remember…if Jacob goes home he gets to stop phasing and can do whatever he wants! And it’s not fair to me either.” I can feel myself choke up. “I never chose him. I never chose any of this…can’t I have a chance to see who I am without him?”

Dad is nodding, his face sad. “I was always afraid this would happen,” he murmurs. “The damn imprinting…”

Mom runs her hands through her hair distractedly. “You can’t decide what’s best for him though, Ness. If you want to explore the world without him that’s one thing, but to cut him out of your life completely isn’t fair to him…”

“Stop making this about you,” I say flatly. “It’s not about you. I’m not dad leaving you for your own good so you can have a human life, and Jacob’s not you left alone and hopeless in the forest.”

Mom flinches, and Dad’s voice is icy as he looks at me. “That’s enough Renesmee.”

“No, it’s _not_ enough!” I say passionately. “This isn’t about Mom and Jacob and what happened between the three of you all those years ago…I know everyone pretends it never happened but it _did_ and I’m tired of being the one to have to make up for all the mistakes _you_ made! I can’t be with Jacob just to make up for the fact that Mom chose you! It’s like I was created just to be everyone’s happy ending, but I’m my own person too and none of this is fair, I don’t want to _be_ the answer to everyone’s prayers…all I want is to find my own life Daddy, instead of just having this one forced on me…”

I’m crying hard now and I don’t wait for a response. I’ve opened the Pandora’s box of the past today, all that I’ve said about the imprinting and Jacob and how he loved my mother and she loved my father and how much they all hurt each other…I don’t want to hear the excuses and stories again. Not now, when my soul feels so raw where I ripped Jacob away from me and set him free. So I turn and run, hair flying and eyes blinded by tears, run away from them and safe up to my room, where I huddle on my bed and sob for what I’ve done and what has been done to me.

Outside, from deep in the forest I hear the echoing howls of a wolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- Ouch. I kind of love Jacob and really didn’t want Ness to break his heart like this. But I also wanted him to have his life back…he lost everything when he got Renesmee. I’m not saying they’ll never be together either but I really want them to have the chance to find out what they want their lives to be, without that tie that they never asked for. I also know that imprinting is supposed to be an unbreakable bond, so it’s not simple for either Ness or Jacob to leave, but there can be a lot of insight and lessons learned in doing what seems impossible.


	4. Tiptoeing Onwards

Jacob doesn’t return. When my tears abate I spend the rest of the night huddled up on the window seat with my forehead pressed to the glass, waiting for the sight of the wolf pacing through the trees to greet my eyes. It never comes.

I cannot take back what I said and I want Jacob to go, but the idea of that being the last thing I will say to him makes my soul writhe with the pain of it. I want to see him again, to say sorry and try to make him understand why I am doing this. _It’s not that I don’t love you, but that I love you enough to let you go. I’m just trying to give both of us something that we’ve never had._ But the next day comes, and then another night and day and there is no Jacob and I realise with a bleak, hopeless feeling of grief that I have done my work too well and he is not going to return.

I can’t get out of bed. I would not have thought that doing something I know is right and that I wanted to do could hurt so much. Jacob still doesn’t return to the house and I feel his absence like a physical ache in my heart. _My Jacob, my own…I am so sorry I can’t be what you want me to be!_

My grief covers the whole house in a pall of gloom. Jasper bears the brunt of it, and such is his suffering alongside me that he can’t help but reflect sadness outwards, touching all the others with the unhappiness.

It isn’t only that though. For all Jacob was not really one of them, he had his place here and missing him in his absence comes from surprising quarters. Carlisle and Esme speak to him on the phone, and Rosalie goes out to the garage and relieves her feelings by working on the half built Corvette Jacob left there. None of them say anything to me, but I know they miss him and I add the guilt of that to the massive load weighing me down.

I wrap myself in my blankets and try and seek comfort in tears, but there is nothing that can make this better. I have hurt the one person in my life who has never done anything but put me first and love me unconditionally and unreservedly, and I feel like a monster.

They give me a week. A week in which I lie in bed and sob and flagellate myself emotionally with all guilt and pain I’ve caused. Then the morning comes when Alice, Esme, Rosalie and Mom all march into my room and yank the curtains open, flooding the room with light and making me blink with the sudden intrusion.

“Time to get up!” Esme says cheerfully, seizing the end of my quilt and yanking it off me before I can react. “Laundry day, my love!”

“Hey!” I scrunch myself tighter into a ball, squinting at them through the messy chestnut hair that’s falling across my face. “I was asleep…just because you don’t sleep doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect my need for some rest.”

Rosalie snorts. “You’ve had more than enough rest. You’ve been in bed for a week and you need to get up.” She frowns at me disdainfully. “And wash that hair Renesmee, ugh!”

I scowl furiously. “Go away!”

Alice shakes her head. “Nope. We’re not going anywhere until you get out of that bed and change those clothes.” She looks down at my pyjamas, which consist of a pair of boy leg knickers and one of Emmett’s old band t shirts from some obscure 90’s group and sighs mournfully. “Will you e _ver_ let me buy you some proper sleepwear? You’re the only one in the house that sleeps and you just don’t take advantage of the wardrobe options that gives you!”

I look pleadingly up at Mom, who brushes her hands through my hair, smoothing it away from my face. “Mommy…I’m too sad to get up,” I whisper.

Mom bites her lip but shakes her head. “I know you’re sad baby. But you have to get up…if you don’t get up then we’ll have no choice but to call Jacob.”

I sit up in a rush. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“I don’t want to,” Mom whips the bottom sheet out from under me, and I only just save myself from falling onto the floor, instead finding myself standing up beside them without meaning to and glaring at them indignantly. “But if you can’t function without Jacob, I’m not just going to let you wither away in bed,” Mom says firmly, and the other three nod.

“No one really understands how imprinting works,” Esme adds gently. “This has never been an ordinary relationship. We don’t know what this is going to do to you to send him away. You’ve never been apart from Jacob since the day you were born…we’re worried sweetie.”

Rosalie hugs me and strokes my hair. Okay, if she’s willing to touch my manky, unwashed hair then she must be really worried. I sigh in defeat.

“Okay…I’m up.”

“Good.” They bundle me into the bathroom and run the tub, then push me in and wash my hair. It’s like being an invalid, or a baby again, and I sit meekly and let them do what they want. They don’t even leave me alone to dry, but rub me briskly with towels and then Alice heads to the closet to fetch me some clothes.

“No dresses!” I call after her, hearing her disgusted huff. “Not a skirt, either!”

“You really are your mother’s daughter,” she says when she returns, her hands full of jeans and t shirts. “It’s really terribly unfair that the two of you don’t let me dress you up!”

Mom looks at me and winks, and I smile back. I’m sorry I was so awful to her the other day. I know she loves me and wants only the best. I reach over and squeeze her hands and she squeezes back and I know I’m forgiven.

They hand me all my clothes but at least let me put them on myself. The fancy underwear first, which is something Rosalie has always bought for me when she buys hers.  She has an obsession with beautiful and expensive lingerie and she’s taught me to love it too. In that way I’m different to Mom, who would still buy six packs of cottontails from the supermarket if Alice would allow it in the house. And even if I’d rather wear jeans or cargos and combat boots and graphic tees, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate some beautiful, girly silks and satins and laces underneath them. I throw on my jeans and grin when I realise Alice has handed me the ‘bite me’ t-shirt that my dad hates so much. Emmett’s the one who gave it to me and he thinks it’s hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the ‘vampires suck’ t-shirt he bought for himself at the same time.

Rosalie pushes me down onto the seat by the dressing table and starts combing out my hair. As Mom and Esme pick through the mess of hair things, jewellery and oddments I’ve got scattered across the top and begin tidying up, Alice goes back to the closet for shoes.

“Boots,” I shout, knowing that if I don’t insist she’ll be out with a pair of heels. “ _MY_ boots, Alice!” Mom giggles as we both hear Alice sob. She comes out a moment later with my chunky soled, beat up black leather lace up boots dangling from her fingertips like they’re crawling with maggots.

“Ness,” she says patiently, “Are we in a war zone?”

“Depends on dad and Rosalie…ouch!” (as Rose pulls my hair) “Okay! No.”

“Are you in a skinhead gang?”

“No.”

“Do you plan on going about stamping on insects and small children?”

“Not today.”

“Do you have some orthopaedic issue with your feet which requires correction and that I’m unaware of?”

“No.

“Then _why_?” Alice wails, shaking the boots at me. “Why do you insist on wearing these terrible shoes with _everything_? You’re not even clumsy like Bella was- you could dance like a ballerina in stilettos if you wanted to! And yet every day it’s these dreadful boots…they’re not even new!”

“They’re comfortable,” I say equally patiently, and both Alice and I give identical long suffering sighs as the others laugh and Rosalie finishes braiding my hair.

Mom pauses in her tidying up, the braided Quileute bracelet Jacob gave me on my first Christmas in her hand. Until I wrenched it off a week ago I have worn it every day since he gave it to me, and my wrist looks naked without it as I look down at my arms. I can feel my lip tremble.

“Never mind,” Mom says softly, pulling out the bottom drawer of the jewellery box and dropping the bracelet in. She glances up at Rosalie who takes hold of my arm with her cool fingers and briskly fastens something else around my wrist.

It’s my Cullen wrist cuff, soft black leather with the Cullen crest on it in silver, the same one all the boys have. I have it on a necklace like the girls too, but when I kept borrowing Dad’s wrist band (which was miles too big) and Carlisle realised that despite her best efforts Alice was not going to be able to turn me into the girly-girl princess of her dreams he had a wrist cuff made especially for me. I touch it gently and then look up, seeing the reflections in the mirror of all us Cullen women. Esme, Rosalie, Alice, Bella…and me.

“Now that you’re up and dressed you can have your reward,” Esme says lightly. “I baked you cookies sweetie. I even sent Carlisle out for m&m’s so they’re just the way you like them.”

“Oh, thank you!” I give Esme a genuine smile.

“Then we’re all going to Oregon,” Mom informs me. “Carlisle’s got a meeting with the hospital board and we’re going to check out the house and go up to the school and enrol.” She can’t hide the anxious quirk of her eyebrows as she looks at me. “If you still want to go to school and do that?”

I nod firmly. Sending Jacob away will have all been for nothing if I don’t have the courage to try new experiences without his steady back up. “I still want to.” I tie my boot laces firmly. “But first I’m going to eat my cookies.”

The five of us sweep down the stairs and into the kitchen, led by the delicious smell of peanut butter m&m cookies, my all-time favourite. Jasper is reading the newspaper at the table and Emmett is sitting beside him with his arms folded, staring morosely at the plate of cookies.

“You are so lucky, Monster,” he says to me sadly. “You can hunt _and_ you can eat food. Because damn it but those cookies smell good and I _remember_ how good they taste!”

I smirk at him and sit down across from him, taking a cookie and stuffing half of it in to my mouth in one bite. It _is_ good. Despite not having eaten food for over eighty years Esme is still a good cook and baking is her speciality. Mostly I cook for myself since I’m the only one who eats the food, but I can’t bake like Esme can.

I can eat human food or drink blood like the others. When I was first born I preferred blood, especially the human blood that Carlisle was able to buy, but after we met Nahuel and found out that my freakish growth patterns would slow and weren’t going to be a death sentence Carlisle refused to supply human blood for me anymore. He said that I had other options and the blood should go to people who needed it more. I admit I pouted and scowled like the child I was, but I think he was right and as my moral development caught up with my physical development I was glad he made that choice. It was certainly easier for Jasper not having all the bags of human blood around too.

I used to hunt with them a lot, because it was fun and I was a show off, but as I’ve grown older I find myself leaning more towards a diet of human food, even if it does mean I have to use the bathroom like a human occasionally, something that can basically be avoided if I exist solely on blood. Since I’ve stopped growing I’ve also noticed that I don’t need to eat nearly as much or as often, although I’m never going to say no to Esme’s cookies.

Jasper grins at me across the table as I eat my cookies, and I smile back. The relief is clear on his face, and I feel a stab of guilt as I realise again how much my wallowing in grief and pain over this past week must have hurt him.

He shakes his head. “No guilt, Nessie, please. I’m just glad you’re feeling more cheerful, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.” His eyes are soft and sympathetic. “Some hurts are just too big for me to influence away.”

I nod, having some trouble swallowing my cookie through my choked throat. Luckily I’m distracted by Dad coming in the door with Carlisle. Carlisle smiles at me, and although Dad looks relieved to see me up and dressed again he frowns when he looks at my t shirt.

“Do you have to wear that t shirt when we’re going to enrol in school?” he sighs.

“I didn’t know that’s what we were going to do when I put it on,” I say defensively. “Besides, why not? It’s funny. It’s a joke…”

“He doesn’t like it because people look at your boobs when they read it,” Emmett says casually.

“Emmett!” Dad and Rosalie shout in unison, with Dad adding furiously, “That’s my _daughter_ you’re thinking about, and remember I can read your mind!”

“I’m just _saying_ ,” Emmett protests with an air of injured innocence.

I’m laughing though, with the first genuine belly laugh I’ve had in days. “Perv,” I say to Emmett affectionately. He really is like the annoying big brother I’ve never had and I think that at least there’s one part of this new family pretence I’m going to have to learn that’s going to come naturally. I take another cookie and look over at Carlisle. “When are we leaving?”

 


	5. A New Place

We’re leaving for Oregon as soon as possible, as it turns out. I have time to throw a change of clothes and my e-reader and ipod into a backpack and then we’re on the way to the airport. I ride with Mom and Dad and Alice and Jasper, soaking up as much of the happy vibes that Jasper can throw my way as I can, until I’m relaxed and giggly with bliss.

“Airport security will think she’s drunk,” Mom mutters disapprovingly. “Please Jasper, ease up.”

“I’ll stop doing it when we get there,” Jasper promises.

His face is bright and amused as he looks at me beaming at him. I think he gets a kick out of being the only one whose powers work on me. Dad can’t really read my mind, Alice can’t see me in her visions, Mom can’t shield me out if I touch her, but Jasper’s emotional influence on me is strong and obvious. Actually, he seems to be able to affect me more easily and more intensely than he can the full vampires. Carlisle theorises that because I have blood and a circulatory system I’m more susceptible to the hormones and brain chemicals that Jasper actually works on to produce the emotions than the vampires whose bodies contain only venom, but we don’t know for sure.

I don’t care why anyway. When I was little Carlisle used to test me all the time, x rays and MRIs and CAT scans and whatever else he could get his hands on, as well as his endless measurements and the volumes he filled up with observations on my growth and personality and behaviour. I made him stop after a couple of years. It was too intrusive and embarrassing, and there seemed so little point to it…what were the chances that there was going to be another me to compare any of these things with? What did it matter _why_ anything about me worked the way it did? I am what I am and knowing exactly what that is isn’t going to change anything, and it was just making me more and more self-conscious about my differences. I know Carlisle still watches me with the eyes of a scientist, he can’t turn that off, but more often now he just looks at me with the eyes of a grandfather and I like that a lot better.

We meet up with the others at the airport in good time for our flight, and it’s not long before I’m sandwiched in between Dad and Emmett on the commuter flight to Oregon. Mom and Dad play Scrabble with their phones on one side of me and Emmett and Rosalie watch the inflight movie on the other but I take out my phone and catch up on all my reality tv shows that I’ve had automatically downloading over my week of withdrawal. None of the others understand how I can love trashy reality tv as much as I do, with the exception of Emmett perhaps, but what can I say? I have perfect vampire recall and a beyond genius level intelligence, but I’m just not that interested in being as intellectual and esoteric as they are when it comes to television.

When we get to Oregon we still have a long drive ahead of us. There’s a mix up at the car rental place and we get stuck with an SUV (which is fine) and a minivan, which Dad and Rosalie both refuse to ride in, even if it means they have to go together in the SUV. The minivan suddenly gets a lot more popular when everyone realises the alternative is another drive with the endless Edward-and-Rosalie bitching. In the end Emmett volunteers to go along and keep the peace.

“It’ll be just like old times!” he says cheerfully. “Remember the first time we drove to this house? You two took turns driving and bitching each other out, and I entertained everyone with my wit and sparkling conversations…”

“Knock knock jokes,” Carlisle whispers in my ear. “And _whistling_ , God help me, Emmett’s whistling…you’d better come in the minivan with us.”

Willingly I climb in the very back seat with Mom, Alice and Jasper in the middle row and Carlisle and Esme in the front. I wouldn’t have thought it possible after my week in bed but I’m already tired and I put my headphones on and spend most of the drive drowsing against Mom’s shoulder. I wake when we pull off the made road and begin jolting down a rough dirt track and my head bangs into Mom’s granite shoulder.

“Driveway needs grading,” Carlisle says cheerfully. “Add that to the list.”

The house itself, once we finally reach it, is in pretty good shape. Carlisle keeps all his various properties maintained, and although it hasn’t been redecorated since the seventies and we all kind of blanch at the brown and orange swirls in the living area, it’s basically sound.

I wander through the first floor. Besides the main living area there is a library, a second living area that will probably become a study, an enormous kitchen and dining room, a bathroom, a room off the kitchen that might once have been a cook’s room, and a bedroom with an attached bathroom and enormous closet. Upstairs there are four more bedrooms, all unfurnished and all basically the same with dingy cream walls and bare floorboards. At least, three of the rooms are the same- the fourth one has the door closed and once I hear the sounds from behind it I beat a hasty retreat and slide back down the banister to the first floor, finding the others in the kitchen, gathered around the table where Esme has the house plans spread out in front of her.

“Emmett and Rosalie?” Mom asks with a sigh, and I wrinkle my nose and nod.

“That was their old room upstairs,” Esme says diplomatically. “Rosalie got married for the first time out of this house…they’re probably just reminiscing.”

Esme is such a romantic that even Emmett and Rosalie’s obnoxious sexual habits are just an endearing symbol of their love to her. Which of course it is, but…ugh, just keep your pants on sometimes?

“Well, they can keep it,” Alice says brightly. “I’ll take another room.”

“Carlisle and I will take our old room which was the downstairs suite,” Esme continues. “Edward, you and Bella can hardly sleep in the small room off the kitchen so you’ll have to room upstairs this time. Alice and Jasper, you’ll have to share an upstairs room and Ness can have the other one.” She frowns. “We really need more space and we’ll build on as soon as we can arrange the permits, but you’ll just have to make do in the meantime.”

“I’ll sleep in the little room off the kitchen,” I say, glancing over at it. “It’s just me…I don’t need much space.”

“Certainly you don’t need closet space for a pile of jeans and t shirts and a grotty old pair of boots,” Alice says severely, obviously still bitter about my refusal to play Barbie doll for her this morning.

I giggle and point to my chest. “Read the shirt, Alice.”

“Are you sure?” Esme asks me. “We could convert the fourth upstairs bedroom into another bathroom and closet space for Alice then.”

I nod. “Yes, it’s fine. It used to be Dad’s room, right? I can make it nice for me.” I walk over and into the little room, which is probably about half the size of my room in Alaska. The paint is peeling off the walls and the floor is covered in a an olive green shag carpet with a stain in the centre of the room that looks like something died there, but as I walk over to the window I feel a quiver of excitement at the idea of making this room into my own. I look out the window and see the forest growing up almost to the house here at the back. I’ll have so much privacy down here by myself!

I skip back out into the kitchen, smiling happily. “I’ll fix it up,” I say to Esme, adding as I look at Dad. “Please tell me you weren’t responsible for that disgusting shag carpeting?”

“That was put there long after my time,” Dad says cheerfully. “It was linoleum flooring in there when it was my room. I had brown diamond patterned wallpaper too.” I make a face and he laughs. “It was very modern and fashionable at the time!”

Esme has her design notebook out and she’s writing lists so fast that her hand is a blur. She doesn’t need the list really, she is a vampire with perfect recall after all, but Esme always derives a very human satisfaction from list making and crossing the finished items off the list as she goes. So a list it is.

Rosalie and Emmett join us in the kitchen, hands linked as they bend over the house plan to look at the changes Esme is considering.

“Happy to be back?” Dad asks them sarcastically.

Rosalie ignores him and Emmett grins unrepentantly. “Always a joy,” he says cheerfully.

Carlisle clears his throat. “I thought I might take those of you intending to take up a high school education in to town and get the enrolment sorted out. Esme has a builder coming in soon and Alice and Jasper want to talk to him too about their requirements as well, so we can all go in the minivan.” His eyes twinkle at Rosalie and Dad.

“Shotgun!” I shout.

“We’ll see about that,” Emmett taunts me, taking off running with me in hot pursuit.

I get there first, mostly because I know the van isn’t locked and Emmett wastes the nanosecond it takes to swipe the keys from Carlisle’s pocket. It hardly matters though, since he’s so much stronger than me he immediately grabs me and just lifts me bodily out of the seat as I shriek.

“If either of you damage that hire car there’ll be trouble!” Esme calls out sternly.

Rosalie is at Emmett’s side, half laughing even as she tries to scowl. “Put her down,” she orders him. “Stop being a bully!”

Sulkily Emmett drops me back into the seat and climbs into the back.

“At least we know two of us with fit in with the teenage level of maturity,” Dad says as he climbs into the middle seat. I don’t know whether to be pleased or offended. I hear the thump as Emmett whacks Dad in the back of the head and then Dad raises his eyebrows at Mom and says smugly, “And my point is proven.”

“Are you nervous?” Carlisle asks me as we drive along. He glances in the rear view mirror at Mom. “What about you Bella? This will be your first time at high school as one of us.”

Mom shrugs. “It will be weird,” she admits. “Although I don’t know what will be weirder- being back at high school in the first place, being there as a Cullen, or being there with my daughter that I’ll be pretending is my sister.” She grins at me a little wistfully. “You’ll have to stop calling me Mom.”

 “Yeah, I know.” That will be weird for me too. I look over at Carlisle. “I am kind of nervous. Although not because I think I might snap and kill someone, which I know has always been a source of anxiety for everyone else!” That isn’t a problem I have. I want human blood in the same way I want cookies- it’s delicious to eat but I’m not losing my reason just because it’s there. I don’t feel that burning thirst that real vampires do.

“Well, that shouldn’t be an issue for any of you this time,” Carlisle says cheerfully, and I realise he’s right. Of all of us in the car only Emmett has had times when he was unable to control himself and took lives as a result, and that hasn’t happened for a long time.

Carlisle parks the minivan in the almost deserted school parking lot, and while everyone else piles out I sit for a moment, staring. I know he said it was a small town high school, but it looks huge to me. I try and imagine it busy and bustling with students and feel my belly tighten up with nerves. I want to do this, but the idea of being surrounded by a teeming crowd of humans seems suddenly terrifying.

_I wish Jacob was here._ The words drift into my mind without warning and I grip the seat, my fingers digging into the fabric as the pain of his absence cuts into me like a knife. Jacob. Who has always been there for me, whose strength and love and belief have buoyed up my confidence for every new experience I’ve tried. Who always made it not matter that I couldn’t go out and meet people and make friends, because I had him and he was everything.

“Ness,” Rosalie’s voice is quiet and her cold hand covers mine. “You’re digging holes in the seat. It will be okay.”

I force my fingers to relax, and attempt to take a deep breath. “Yes, okay.” I look into her eyes and try to smile, but I know she sees right through me and with a sigh I let her tug me from the van and lead me behind the others to the front entrance.

We’re met by the principal, a surprisingly youthful looking woman dressed casually in jeans and a button down shirt who is smiling as she approaches Carlisle and shakes his hand. “Dr Cullen, it’s lovely to meet you!”

She shrinks slightly when she takes in the size and menacing air of Emmett, who towers over her, but she gamely nods and smiles at each of us in turn. “Hello everyone, I’m Ms Burns. You must be…Emmett? Rosalie? Edward?” She looks at each of them in turn, waiting until they nod and murmur a greeting before going on to the next one. She looks from Mom to me. “Now, one of you must be Bella…” Mom raises her hand and mumbles hello, and Ms Burns nods at her. “Okay, then you must be…I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure how to pronounce your name…”

Oh, my name! My ridiculous, made up, embarrassing name! “Renesmee,” I say, trying not to grimace. “But I go by Ren,” I say impulsively. “That’s what I’m always called.”

Of course this is a blatant lie, but one I like more and more as I think about it. Aren’t I going to school to break away from the family a little bit? Aren’t I doing this to stretch out my wings and see what there might be out there for me? And Jacob is the one who started calling me Ness…maybe I need to let that go now that I’m trying to let him go too.

“Okay Ren, I’ll try and remember.” Ms Burns smiles at me, and then waves her hand. “Come along down into my office. Being Sunday it’s just me here today, and I’m glad you were all able to make it in for this meeting. Do you know when you’re moving down here, Dr Cullen?”

“The house needs a little building work before we can move in,” Carlisle answers. “It was an inheritance from a distant relative and it hasn’t been lived in for some time, but that should only take a couple of weeks.”

“That’s fine,” Ms Burns opens the glass door to her office and nods thanks at Dad as he takes it from her and holds it open for everyone else to file through. “It’s a bit disappointing that they’ll miss the start of the school year, but I’m sure it won’t take much to catch up.”

Instead of sitting behind her desk she grabs her wheeled chair and pulls it round to the other side and indicates for the rest of us to take a seat on the lounge that’s facing her. Dad, Mom and Carlisle sit on the sofa and I perch uneasily on the arm. Rosalie takes an armchair and Emmett slumps down in a plastic chair. He sees me looking at him and crosses his eyes at me.

Ms Burns gives a friendly smile. “So let me try and get the family relationships straight. Dr Cullen, you and your wife adopted the two boys and Ren, is that correct?”

“That’s right,” Carlisle says. “They’ve been with us since Ren was a baby. We’ve been fostering Rosalie and Bella for years, but there’s been no formal adoption process so they still have their last name.”

“Well, with five teenagers I’m sure you and your wife have your hands full!” she jokes, and Carlisle laughs.

“Indeed we do, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 “Okay, so you’ve all been homeschooled until now?” Ms Burns asks, pulling open a file and scanning the pages quickly.

“Yes,” Dad answers politely. “Where we were living in Alaska was very isolated.”

“Fair enough,” Ms Burns flips through a few more pages. “Well, you’ve all scored extremely well on the standardised tests so you won’t have any difficulty meeting the academic standards here. Rosalie and Emmett, you’ll be going into junior year, and Bella and Edward and Ren will enter as sophomores.” She scrabbles amongst her papers, looking for something. “I have schedules here for you to look at…who were the musicians? We’ve put you in the orchestra for your elective..”

I glance down at Mom and Dad with a raised eyebrow. No one asked me about any elective subjects. Dad shrugs. “I play the piano and Renesmee plays the violin,” he says. “I believe Carlisle sent a tape.”

“Yes, our music teacher and band master was very impressed,” Ms Burns says, looking at us all intently for a moment. “You all seem very talented in a number of areas.” Her eyes drift to Emmett who, even sprawled in a plastic chair with his hands tucked into him armpits looks like the epitome of athletic perfection. “Are you a sportsman, Emmett?”

If possible Emmett slumps even further down in the chair and shakes his head. “Um, not really…”

“Medical issue,” Carlisle says quickly. “Unfortunately he’s not able to partake in too much physical activity.”

“Oh well,” Ms Burns says quickly. “We’ve got a wide range of extra curricular activities to choose from, I’m sure you’ll find something to interest you Emmett.”

He gives a noncommittal grunt, but Ms Burns seems to find what she’s looking for in her folder and soon we’re all being handed papers with schedules and maps and subject outlines and booklists on them. There’s some shuffling around of subjects and schedules as we choose electives and Rosalie manages to wangle her way out of gym class (more mysterious ‘medical issues’ thanks to Dr Cullen) and trade her history subject for a different one and swap a literature class for another science course. Emmett rolls his eyes and Dad sighs pompously at her pickiness, but I don’t much care what classes anyone is taking, as long as my parents will be in as few of mine as possible.

After a short tour of the school we bid farewell to Ms Burns and then walk outside to the minivan.

“What do you think?” Carlisle asks cheerfully.

Dad shrugs. “School is school.”

“It’s just like on tv,” I say, impressed, and then feel a flush of embarrassment as I catch the look of pity from Rosalie. Can I help it if I’ve been so sheltered that something as ordinary as high school seems extraordinary to me?


	6. The Concept of Loneliness

“I have to go to my meeting at the hospital now,” Carlisle says, glancing at his watch. “I thought you could all go on home.”

It makes sense, since none of them should really be around a building that is constantly permeated with the smell of freshly spilled blood, but once again they’re forgetting about me. “I’ll come with you,” I say to Carlisle. “I can get something to eat at the cafeteria, since I don’t suppose there’s anything to eat back at that house.”

“Deer,” Emmett tells me. “There’s plenty of deer, and there’ll be elk, and maybe something better…”

I flip him off. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hunt since it’s one of the great joys in his life. “I’d rather go with Carlisle.”

“You take the van then, and we’ll run,” Dad says to Carlisle, laying his arm across my shoulder in a brief hug.

“You’ll have to stop doing that…Edward,” I say tentatively, testing out how it feels to use his name. If he’s going to be my brother in this human ruse I will have to get used to it. He only nods at me, a small smile on his lips.

Carlisle drives us through the town to the hospital as I stare out the window, fascinated. It’s bigger than Forks, but it has a similar feel to it and I find myself thinking that Jacob would feel at home here before I can stop myself. Carlisle must hear my involuntary noise of distress because although he doesn’t look at me he starts talking cheerfully about the time they lived here before, and how things have changed.

His meeting is in the hospital conference room and as he takes the elevator upstairs I follow the painted arrows through a maze of hospital corridors to the basement, where the cafeteria is located. Since my body requires such high amounts of protein I buy yoghurt and a milkshake and some kind of beef stirfry and sit down to eat it, flipping on my e reader to finish reading the book on music theory I started earlier.

“You mind if I sit here?”

I’m halfway through my yoghurt and about ten pages from the end of the book when a voice interrupts me. I look up to see a boy of probably about sixteen, balanced awkwardly on crutches, with a chocolate milk and a greasy paper bag clutched in his fingertips.

“No, that’s fine,” I say softly, and with a sigh of relief the boy half sits and half falls into a chair opposite me. I realise that his leg is in a thigh high fibreglass cast.

“Thanks,” he says, opening the milk and taking a swallow. “I’m not real good on these crutches yet and I didn’t think I’d make it any further without dropping the food.”

“That’s okay,” I say, a little awkwardly. “There’s plenty of space.”

I can’t help staring at him. I’ve spent so much time among the supernatural that close by humans look quite odd to me. Like this boy- his brown hair is sticking up in different directions, there are a scattering of blemishes amongst the stubble on his chin and cheeks, he has a chipped front tooth and one of his arms is covered in scabbed over scratches and grazes. Not to mention he obviously has a broken leg…a human being with bones that break and take weeks or months to mend? I remember when Jacob broke his leg because Emmett ran over it in the Jeep (a complete accident. Really.) and how it healed in days. Now the boy in front of me begins to blush, and I follow the flush of red as it rises from his neck to cover his face and only then do I realise that he’s aware that I’m staring at him. I quickly avert my eyes.

“I’m Will,” he says suddenly.

There’s a long pause and then I risk a glance and see that he’s looking at me expectantly. “Oh!” I say, a little flustered. Of course, he’s just told me his name, now I’m supposed to share mine. “I’m Ren.”

Will grins. “Well, hi there Ren.” He folds the slice of pizza he had in his paper bag and stuff most of it in his mouth. The rest of the bag is full of fries and he pushes it towards me. “You want some?”

I shake my head. “No thank you. I have my own.”

“What are you reading?” Will asks me a moment later.

“Compositional Theory in the Eighteenth Century,” I answer, as I finish the last page. “It’s about music,” I add, almost questioningly as I take in the blank look on his face. Did he not understand what I said?

Will grins. “Oh, okay! Wow, that sounds…um, interesting. You’re a musician then?”

“I play the violin,” I tell him. “And the book’s a fascinating mix of both musical theory and how it was applied and interpreted by the leading musicians of the day…” My words trail off. “You’re not really interested in that, are you?” I say uncertainly.

“I’m not a musician,” Will shrugs, but he doesn’t take his eyes off me and his mouth is still curved up in a smile. “What are you doing here at the hospital eating crap food and reading such fascinating books anyway?”

“Waiting for Carlisle,” I say. “He’s going to work here, so he has a meeting with some people today.”

“Is that your dad?”

I squirm. “Um…yes.”

“So you live around here then?” Will probes.

Are humans always this persistent? I don’t recall anyone interrogating me like this before. But then again, I remind myself, most of my forays into the human world involved one or more members of my family hanging over my shoulder and holding my hands. Isn’t this what I wanted? I bite my lip. “We’re moving here,” I say. “We inherited a house, and so we came today to see what needs to be done to it and to enrol in school.”

“What grade are you going in to?”

“Tenth,” I say cautiously. “Do you go to that school?”

“Yeah, I’ll be a sophomore this year too.” Will shovels the last of his fries into his mouth with one hand, while the other hand digs at the top of his cast. “Damn, this is so itchy.”

“How did you hurt it?”

“I came off my bike,” Will looks embarrassed. “It was pretty stupid actually. I only did it a couple of days ago, so it’s still kind of painful but it’s this damn itchiness that’s going to kill me. That and I’ll probably miss basketball season.” He looks glum.

There’s a movement to the side and Carlisle comes into view, smiling at me easily as he takes the seat beside me. “Renesmee. How’s the food?”

I wrinkle my nose. “You’re not missing much.” I glance from him to Will. “This is Will,” I say. “This is my…dad, Carlisle Cullen.”

Carlisle gives me an amused smile and holds his hand out to Will, who shakes it firmly. “Nice to meet you Will.”

“You too Dr Cullen,” Will says.

I can tell Carlisle is about to start talking to him, so I stand up hastily and gather my trash. “We should probably get going,” I say to Carlisle. “They’ll be wondering what we’re doing.”

Will pulls himself awkwardly up to his feet and gropes for his crutches. “Yeah, I should go too. My mom is going to pick me up out front.”

He hops slowly towards the door, Carlisle asking him questions about his injury and then holding the door for him as we leave. Just outside the front entrance he waves to a woman in a truck and then turns back to us.

“Thanks Dr Cullen,” he says, and then looks at me. “I’ll see you at school, Ren.”

I don’t know if it’s a question or a statement, but I nod shyly. “Yeah. I’ll see you,” and then wave a little uncertainly as he hops off towards his mom and I follow Carlisle in the direction of the minivan.

“You’re making friends already, that’s good,” Carlisle says as we climb in.

I shrug. I wouldn’t say I’m making friends, exactly, but it was a conversation and I suppose that’s a good start.

“Esme and I are proud of you,” Carlisle says to me after a few miles of silent travel. “Going to school, trying new things, looking for your own place in the world…it’s good Renesmee. It’s a brave thing you’re doing.”

“It’s hard though,” I say softly, and unbidden and inescapable the image of Jacob rises in my mind. “It’s scary to try and change things, even when you know that it’s what you want to do.”

Carlisle chuckles lovingly. “I know it is. It’s always hard to strike out on your own and forge your own path.” He pauses, and I know he’s thinking about his own past and the decisions that have led him here. “But there can be wonderful and unexpected rewards when you have courage to look for them Renesmee. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Back at the house we’re met with the sound of destruction. Esme, Rosalie and Alice are sitting calmly on the floor in the living area with laptops and phones, so clearly they’re not responsible.

“Emmett and Jasper,” Alice tells me in response to my unasked question. “Just getting rid of a couple of walls. I hear you’re changing your name?”

“Oh, that.” I peer over her shoulder to see what she’s looking at. It’s a flooring company’s website, and I watch her scroll for a minute and then point at one of the carpet choices. “That one for my room please, I’m going to do it in green.” I sit back. “Would _you_ want to go to school being called Renesmee?”

Alice giggles as she moves my carpet choice to her cart. “I see your point. So are we still allowed to call you Nessie, or is it going to be Ren from now on?”

At the sound of Jacob’s old nickname for me pain flares in my heart. For the first time ever I curse my perfect recall as I remember, in exquisite and excruciating detail, the way he looked at me when he gave me that name. “I think Nessie is a baby name,” I say softly. “I think I want to change things Alice, and that seemed like a good one to start with.”

We stay at the Oregon house through the night. Emmett, Jasper and my Dad demolish everything they’re allowed to (and a few things they’re supposed to leave alone) and Esme writes reams of detailed notes and lists of what needs to be done with the house. No one else needs to sleep so the lack of furniture doesn’t bother them, but when I hit the point of exhaustion Rosalie notices. She folds up a sweater to cushion her hard, cold vampire body and I fall asleep with my head in her lap while her gentle hands stroke rhythmically through my hair.

In the morning we stop in town for Esme to make the arrangements with the people she wants in to do the decorating and for me to pick up some breakfast. I go into a café and come out with a banana yoghurt smoothie and four hardboiled eggs which I shell and eat in the car on the way to the airport, ignoring all Emmett’s muttered comments about the smell and my freaky eating habits. His favourite meal is bear…is he really in a position to call other people’s eating habits freaky?

As soon as the car pulls up in the driveway at home I can feel his presence. The scent, or just a disturbance in the earth’s molecules…I don’t know. All I do know is that my heart leaps and I’m tumbling out of the car and bolting for his room like I’m being pulled by a magnet. “ _Jacob!”_

I hear them call my name behind me, but I don’t look back. I run until I reach his room and fling the door open but then I stop like I’ve been hit, because the room is empty. The furniture is still there, the bed neatly made, the curtains fluttering in the breeze from the open window, but all the little touches that made it Jacob’s room have vanished.

Barely able to breathe, I step into the room that suddenly feels as empty and cold as a tomb. It’s all gone- the Quileute baskets and woven rugs he kept to remind him of home, the scatter of books and cds and other objects across the desk, the photographs and birthday cards and other souvenirs. I step over to the dresser and trace my hand over the gleaming bare wood, feeling my eyes burn with unshed tears. He came back…but not for me.

“Renesmee?” It’s Dad, standing in the doorway.

I meet his eyes in the mirror. “You knew he was going to come back?”

Dad nods reluctantly. “Yes. He’s been in contact with Carlisle, and when he mentioned we were going to Oregon Jacob said he would come by and collect his things.”

“He must be so angry with me...to not even wait so I could see him!”

Dad hesitates. “He’s upset,” he says at last. “The imprinting drive in his kind is very strong and he…struggles…when he’s away from you. He thought it was better if he was gone by the time you returned.”

I move to the window seat and sit down, staring blindly out at the afternoon. “I wanted to see him,” I whisper, my voice a weak thread of pain in the silent room. “I thought I could say…something…”

My dad comes to stand beside me, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on the top of my head. “It might be better this way baby.”

“It just hurts so much.” My voice is so soft no human ears could ever hear it, but my dad does and he presses a kiss onto the top of my head.

“Just because it’s the right thing doesn’t mean it’s the easy thing,” he says, and his voice sounds tired. “I’m sorry that it came to this baby.  I know we thought what we were doing was right for you…but I should have paid more attention. I should have realised what was happening.”

“I didn’t want to hurt him like this but I didn’t see any other way.” I close my eyes, seeing once again the look on Jacob’s face. _I don’t want you here anymore._ “I didn’t know how else to make him go without making him hate me,” I say, and my voice breaks.

“He doesn’t hate you, baby. He can’t.”

I don’t often use my gift anymore, but I can’t bring myself to speak what I know and so I touch Dad’s cheek and show him Jacob, _my Jacob_ , as I saw him when I spoke the words to drive him away. I feel Dad tense, but when he speaks again his voice is calm.

“Jacob will be fine, baby. He loves you and he will understand when he calms down why you had to do this. With the imprint he can never hate you and he’ll always be there for you, even after this.”

I rest my head against the glass, seeing the distant shimmer of sunlight on the lake. My dad can’t understand- he reads minds but what this imprint feels like between Jacob and I isn’t something that can be expressed with the cerebral mind. It’s always been Jacob and I who were the only ones who knew, the only ones inhabiting that supernatural plane of belonging to each other. But looking around the bare room I see his absence, and for the first time in my life I begin to understand the concept of loneliness.

 


	7. Star of the Freak Show

“I’ve looked over your history paper,” Jasper says to me, leaning over the back of the sofa where I’m lying with my violin on my chest and staring blankly at the ceiling. He drops the stapled sheets of paper on to me. “I’ve written some notes with my thoughts for you to read.”

“Will it cheer me up?” I ask morosely.

Jasper pauses. “Probably not. Your analysis was not _wrong_ , but I felt you failed to place enough importance on the influence of….hmm. Perhaps I’ll take it back and return it to you when you’re feeling less sensitive.” He smiles at me, and I can’t help but give him an unwilling grin in return.

“You’re my worst history teacher,” I say grumpily, looking briefly at the paper and seeing that there are more notes scribbled across the pages in Jasper’s tiny handwriting than there are typed words.

“I’m your _best_ history teacher,” he corrects me. “I challenge you to think and analyse and postulate to the best of your ability, which is considerable I might add. History can’t all be Woodstock and college in the 60s and the rise of internet culture!” he adds teasingly, referring to the history topics that are pretty much the only ones Emmett ever teaches me.

I snort, and hear Emmett’s offended noise of dissent from the kitchen. They can be so competitive about teaching me! For the most part my family have divided my education between them based on their particular areas of interest and expertise, but they do sometimes clash. Mom has been less involved than the others because of her own studies, but she and Esme share the English and literature side of things, Dad teaches me music and languages, Rosalie teaches me science and maths, Carlisle teaches me philosophy, theology and vampire lore and history, Alice teaches me art and economics, Jasper teaches history and Emmett, who is not as dumb as he pretends to be, also teaches me history, pop culture and what he refers to as ‘physical education’ and what I refer to as ‘torture Renesmee time’.

“Not all history has to be about war and economics either, Jasper!” Emmett yells.

I groan. “Please don’t start! I can’t take it, not today!”

Jasper looks down at me and a moment later I am relaxing into a familiar feeling of blissful wellbeing. “Better?”

I grin lazily. “Much…go ahead and fight with Emmett all you want. I won’t care now.”

“Your paper was excellent really,” Jasper tells me. “You know I just like to push you. If you hand something like that in at school you’ll be given a top grade and an entry in the national history honours awards.” He stretches. “Which you may not want, so in that case I suggest you tone it down a little.”

I draw the bow uneasily across the strings of my violin. “Am I going to be a total freak at school, Jasper?”

“Pretty much,” Emmett says, coming in to the room and throwing himself down in to an armchair. “Loch Ness, you’re half _vampire_ …you think there’s any way on this earth that you can be _normal_? Even in the family freak show you’re the star.”

“I’m half human too,” I remind him with a scowl. “And I told you not to call me that anymore.”

Jasper shoots Emmett an irritated look. “Do you never take anything seriously?”

Emmett looks wounded. “Of course I do!” He looks over at me and sighs. “Okay Monster, I’m sorry…for what it’s worth you’ll be less of a freak at school than the rest of us. You can walk out in the sun without anyone looking twice, and although I don’t know why you’d _want_ to it is possible for you to eat cafeteria food, and those two things are going to go a long way to making you look normal.”

“What about the schoolwork?”

“Ah, that,” Emmett leans back and folds his hands behind his head. “That’s where you have to make a choice, Monster…how much do you want to stand out?”

“Not at all!”

“Okay then, that’s easy enough. Make mistakes. If they want three thousand words write two thousand. Forget to hand shit in. Skip class once in a while. You’ll blend right in.”

“You’ll also then join Emmett with the dubious distinction of being the only Cullen to ever be put on academic probation,” Jasper contributes, his voice amused.

“ONE time,” Emmett shouts, half laughing and half exasperated. “I got put on academic probation ONE lousy time at ONE shitty school! Are you never going to let that go?!”

 “Well, it is the family’s shame,” Rosalie says with a laugh as she enters the room. She must have been out in the garage- she’s wearing the skimpy shorts and tank top she only wears under her overalls. She ruffles Emmett’s hair affectionately and drops down into his lap, grinning at me. “What is this? You’re taking school advice from Emmett?”

I shrug, gently plucking my violin strings and listening to the noise they make.

“She’s worried about standing out,” Jasper offers, still leaning over the back of the sofa.

Rosalie gives me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry Ren, but it comes with the territory. We play at being human but the differences are hard to hide.”

“But I’m not a vampire,” I say quietly. “I’m more human than you are.”

Rosalie nods. “You are, and it will be easier for you to blend in because of that. No one is going to touch your skin and recoil from the iciness of it. They might make you go to the nurse because they think you’re running a fever, but at least that’s a human thing to do. Your eyes are brown and your skin is pink, you can eat food and don’t have to hide away from the sun.” For a moment Rosalie looks almost jealous, but then her face softens. “You’re too beautiful to hide though, they’re all going to look at you, but they’ll be envious rather than afraid.”

“What about the rest of it though?” I ask plaintively. “What about the schoolwork? And playing my violin in front of strangers?”

Rosalie laughs gently. “Those things are harder. Your violin…you’re brilliant Ren, you know that. You’ll be light years ahead of everyone else in terms of the academics too. It’s up to you how you want to present yourself. We do generally try not to stand out _too_ much, but whether you do that by never making mistakes or by simply being mediocre…” she shrugs.

I nod, tapping my lips with the end of my bow. “I’ll have to be in classes with Mom and Dad…” I venture hesitantly.

Emmett laughs, nuzzling into Rosalie’s neck. “You’ll have to keep them in line.”

“They’ll be able to help you,” Rosalie says practically. “Edward’s been pretending for a long time and it was not long ago that Bella was a human high schooler herself. And Emmett and I will be there at lunch.” She looks across at Jasper half regretfully. “Although I’ll miss having you with us Jas!”

Jasper chuckles. “It’ll be tough to see you all off, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make…”

Emmett and Rosalie laugh then too, and I smile up at him.

“Have you packed up your room yet?” Rosalie asks me with a stern look.

I tap my violin guiltily. “Not _quite_ yet.”

Rosalie points at the stairs. “Go! We’re sending our things ahead and yours need to be ready. I want you to come with me in the Lexus too, Emmett’s driving his Jeep down to Oregon so I’ll be by myself and I’d love your company.”

“No!” Emmett protests. “Come with _me_ , Monster- there’s some awesome off-roading between here and Oregon and it won’t be anywhere near as much fun if I’m by myself! Oh, what?” he huffs as Rosalie glares at him. “I wanted _you_ to come with me babydoll, but you wouldn’t! Off roading with me, the love of your life, apparently isn’t as good as driving some sports car…”

“I could drive the Lexus,” I offer mischievously. “Then you could go with Emmett, Rosalie.”

Oh, the look she gives me! _No one_ drives Rosalie’s beloved new Lexus IS C. Honestly, I think she’d prefer that no one even drive _near_ it, and there’s a certain look of desperate horror that comes into her eyes every time anyone even sits in it. “No, thank you,” she says crisply, rising to her feet. “Last time I checked, you didn’t even have a license Miss Renesmee. I want my Lexus in Oregon and I don’t trust anyone to get it there but myself.” Flipping her hair back behind her shoulder she stalks off to her room.

Emmett starts talking to Jasper and stretching out his legs, trying to reach the remote control that’s lying on the table near his feet so he can flip it up to his hand. For a vampire he can be incredibly lazy.

I get up and toss it to him, then take myself up to my room. Rosalie is right, and I do need to start packing. We’ll be leaving in a matter of days and all I’ve done so far is carry a pile of packing boxes into my room.

Looking around my room I know why I’ve been avoiding the task. Everywhere there are reminders of Jacob and what he has meant to me all my life. Gifts he gave me. Things we played with. Things I bought when he was with me. Mementoes of a thousand different days and moments of friendship and love and protection.

_I’m sorry Jacob. I love you…I miss you._

_I’m glad you’re gone._

Feeling numb I begin, slowly and methodically, to pack away my previous life into a box. All the books Jacob gave me on Quileute and native American history and culture and legend go into the bottom, and then my woven Quileute blanket goes in on top of that. Then all the wolves in their various forms that have always adorned my bedroom- stuffed wolves, blown glass wolves, silver and pewter and gold, carved wooden wolves…all of them are wrapped and placed in the box. Lastly I take the photographs and place them on the top, taking a moment to look at each one. I am different in all of them - a baby, a toddler, a little girl, an awkward pre-adolescent, a teenager, the almost-adult I am now – but in all of them Jacob is the same. Tall and muscular and beautiful, with the same look of enduring love and devotion in his eyes as he looks at me.

There is only one photograph in which Jacob is different. In it I am only a few months old, although I look like a human child, and I am sitting on the back of an enormous wolf. Because that was the other side of my Jacob…not only the human who lived for me, but the wolf that would die for me.

     I can’t put that picture away in the box. I can’t. Instead I place it face down in the hidden compartment of my jewellery box, where I can hold it near but keep it unseen. After a moment’s hesitation I open up another drawer in search of the braided bracelet Jacob gave me on my first Christmas.

It’s gone. Puzzled, and then almost frantic, I search through the drawer again. It _has_ to be there. I remember Mom closing it away in the drawer the morning before we left for Oregon. Although I know my recall is perfect and there is no way it could be in any of the other places, I find myself digging through every drawer, desperate to find the worn, faded bracelet.

I don’t find it, but I do find something else. Another bracelet, one that I have never seen before, thinner and more delicate, braided in the muted colours of the earth with two tiny wooden carvings suspended from the threads. A wolf and a bird.

I stare down at the bracelet as it lies across my palm. _Jacob made me this._ I recognise the Quileute weaving techniques in the braiding and I am intimately familiar with the style of the carving. Jacob made a wolf like this for my mother once, although he was younger then and hers lacks the delicate intricacy he is capable of now. _Jacob left this for me to find. He must have come in to my room and taken my other bracelet and left me this. He wanted me to have it._ I touch the carving, tracing the lines of fur and feathers, touching the point of the beak, wondering bleakly exactly what kind of bird this is and what Jacob was using it to tell me.

It doesn’t matter though. Whatever Jacob meant with this gift I don’t understand and he’s not here to tell me. With shaking hands I drop the bracelet on top of the photograph and close the compartment, shutting away these tangible reminders and wishing I could close off my feelings as easily.

I tape up the box I’ve filled and write my name on it in marker, adding the word ‘storage’ beneath it before I push it against the wall. I put together another box and begin to fill it, trying not to think, pretending that if I ignore the tears running steadily down my face then I’m not really crying, and if I ignore the ache in my chest then I’m not really missing Jacob…if only wishing could make things true.

 


	8. Settling In

When the day comes I drive to Oregon with Emmett in the Jeep. I catch the flash of hurt on Rosalie’s face when this is decided and feel a brief pang of guilt for it, but it can’t be helped. And the mingled fun and terror of Emmett’s crazy off road driving chases thoughts of everything but survival straight out of my head as he races through the Alaskan and then Canadian wilderness. Not being as precious about his vehicle as the rest of them he even lets me drive, although after I get us bogged twice and then roll the Jeep going down a steep incline he takes back the wheel. I don’t know whether to be sorry or relieved when we finally hit civilization and have to start driving on roads again.

Emmett and I are the last ones to reach the new house. The builder has done wonders in the few short weeks he’s had to work on it, and the new bathrooms and kitchen re-fit are finished. Most of the house is in chaos, a mess of boxes and crates and furniture we’ve brought from Alaska, along with all the new furniture we’ve had ordered and delivered jammed in anywhere it will fit. Much to my relief someone has put my new bed in to my newly carpeted room and, exhausted after two days of driving and almost no sleep, I flop down on the bare mattress and almost immediately fall asleep.

Everything is in much better order when I wake up. I have to admit that sometimes it’s good being the only one who sleeps- a lot of boring chores get done while I’m dreaming and not around to do them! Someone has filled the gleaming stainless steel refrigerator with food for me and I take a carton of milk and drink deep swigs out of it as I wander through the house. All the furniture is in place, although with painting still to be done in most of the rooms they’ve left the boxes packed for the most part.

Mom…Bella…is sitting in the living room while Edward tunes his piano. Both of them smile as I approach.

“Hi baby,” Bella says. “You finally woke up!”

“I was pretty tired,” I say. “You’ve got to stop calling me baby- remember you’re supposed to be my sister now. That C key is still off by the way.”

“Yes, I could hear it,” Edward cocks his head to the side and listens again as he fiddles with the inner workings of the piano. “So, how much damage did you do to Emmett’s Jeep on the way down?”

“I only rolled it once and that ass said he wouldn’t tell!” I exclaim indignantly, and then I see the smirk on Edward’s face and realise he’s tricked me. “Oh damn…he didn’t tell you, did he?”

“No.” Edward chuckles and sits down to play a scale. “Sound okay?”

“Yes,” I mutter, finishing off the milk. “Where is everyone else?”

“Esme and Alice and Jasper are buying paint,” Bella says. “Carlisle went to the hospital. Emmett and Rosalie are upstairs, which is why _we_ are downstairs.”

I grimace, which makes Edward laugh. “We set your bed up for you,” he says cheerfully, “And the rest of your new furniture is being delivered tomorrow, so we’ll get your room painted first. We thought you might want to be settled in before you start school on Monday.” He eyes me keenly. “Are you feeling okay about that?”

I nod hastily. “More or less. I mean, it’s a big step going to school for the first time, but you’ve all done it and I really want to.”

“We know,” Edward glances at Bella. “It can be difficult though, and it’s important for you to remember that you _are_ different, that your family is different, and that what you do out in the human world affects us all.”

I can’t believe that _Edward_ , of all people, is giving me this lecture! _Um hello…you only threw secrecy to the winds, impregnated a human and brought down the wrath of the Volturi on us all!_ I raise my eyebrows at him but don’t say anything, heading back to the kitchen to find myself some more to eat.

I’m halfway through a tub of yoghurt when Alice comes dancing into the room. “Ren, you’re up!” she exclaims joyfully. “I’ve got the paint for your room, and it’s going to look _fabulous_!” She winks at me. “I don’t know how you can live without a walk in closet, mind you, but it’s going to suit you down to the ground.”

I grin. “Thanks for getting the paint.”

Alice looks at my yoghurt and wrinkles her nose delicately. “I’m still not used to anyone eating _food_ in this house,” she mutters. “I’m going to paint your room - Jasper and Esme have promised to help and we think since you will have to go to school and you actually need it to sleep in we’ll do it first.”

I lick the spoon and nod my thanks. Everyone else has moved house multiple times and assures me it’s no big deal, but I have only moved once, from Forks to Alaska, and I know that I won’t feel settled until I have my room fixed up as a place of my own.

Alice has sanded the walls in my bedroom by the time I’ve finished my yoghurt. By the time I’ve cooked myself a steak (which, let’s face it, doesn’t take long- unsurprisingly I eat my meat rare) she’s washed them down and by the time I finish eating and wash my dishes she’s halfway through the first coat of primer. Vampire speed really does come in handy sometimes. In the end I don’t do any painting in my room at all, and it’s all done and organised by the time Monday morning rolls around and it’s time for my first day of school.

“Wakey wakey!” Alice chirps, coming in to my room early in the morning and flinging open the curtains. “School time!”

I sit up, my quilt wrapped around me like armour. “I’ve changed my mind. It’s too scary…I don’t want to go.”

Alice laughs. “You? Scared of high school? Cupcake, you faced down the Volturi when you were a newborn and you’ve spent your formative childhood years hanging out with werewolves and the vampiric undead and you’re afraid of _high school_?”

Well, if she’s going to put it like _that_ …I laugh a little unwillingly. “Okay then.”

Alice looks at me, her eyes bright. “I realise I’m just setting myself up to cry with this question, but what are you wearing to school today? Do you want me to put together an outfit?”

“You can choose my outfit,” I say with a shrug. “As long as it consists of a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and my boots I’ll wear whatever you give me.”

“Oh, you wound me deeply, Renesmee!” Alice sighs dramatically. But then she gives me a sunshiny smile and hand me over a plastic mailing envelope. “I knew you’d say that. So I bought you a new t-shirt, since it’s the best you’ll allow me to do for you!”

The t-shirt is green, with a black robot screen printed on to the front. It is totally not Alice’s style at all, but it gladdens my nerd-girl heart and I’m truly touched. “Thank you, Alice,” I say, giving her a hug. “I love it.”

“I knew you would.” She pats my hair and grins. “Now get dressed!”

She disappears and I pull on my clothes as quickly as I can. I’m lacing my boots when Rosalie knocks on the door and comes in, scowling behind her.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her, alarmed.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh, apparently my Lexus is too showy to drive to school! I have to drive Edward’s heap instead!”

I giggle. No one else in the world would ever call Edward’s Mercedes a ‘heap’.

Rosalie shakes her head. “Honestly, it’s ridiculous! But I was completely outvoted, and you know we’re supposed to blend in. Do you want any help with your hair?”

“Sure.” I sit down at the dressing table and Rosalie goes to work on my hair. She’s doing her version of ‘dressing down’, and is wearing a purple skirt and a black t-shirt, and her jewellery is more metal and glass beads than priceless jewels. “You look nice,” I tell her honestly. I’m so used to the way Rosalie looks that I mostly don’t think about it, but occasionally I’ll catch her at a certain angle or in a certain light and be overwhelmed all over again by how perfectly exquisite she is.

“Thanks.” Expertly Rosalie braids the front part of my hair, leaving the rest of it in its natural curls hanging down my back. She looks at us both in the mirror, frowning doubtfully. “Do you think I look young enough? Bland enough?”

I laugh. “You want to look bland?” Wow, they really do take this blending in seriously. I love her, but there’s no doubt Rosalie is as vain as a peacock and loves having people notice and appreciate her beauty.

Rosalie snorts. “I know! It’s not my normal way of things really, is it? But I don’t know Ren…maybe because Alice and Jasper won’t be there, and you and Bella will be there for the first time instead, but I’m anxious about this new start.” She hesitates, and her hand drifts to her neck to tangle uneasily with the beads. “It’s been a while since we started over at high school, and after everything that happened last time I feel as though the family is more vulnerable. It feels as though there are so many more things that can go wrong, and since Alice won’t be there and can’t see past you anyway, it also feels a little as though we’re going into things blind.”

I slip my Cullen wrist band on, biting my lip. Seeing my concern, Rosalie smooths her face out in to a smile and wraps her arms around me.

“You look gorgeous. You know, I’m really glad you wanted to try out school. I always thought…well, I don’t know. Nothing about any of our lives is ordinary.” She sighs, looking frustrated. “I’m not sure if I can explain it- but you were born in to this Ren, this shadow world of vampires and myth and monsters. Not only did you not have a choice, but you never even had a chance at a normal human life and I think that’s something to be sorry about.” Her eyes meet mine anxiously. “You were a miracle Ren, and the best thing to come into all of our lives, please don’t misunderstand me. You were like a gift…but sometimes I wonder if maybe the price you’ve had to pay to make everyone else’s lives complete wasn’t fair to you.”

I can’t say anything. Like Rosalie, sometimes I can’t find words to express what’s in my heart. And so I do what is the only thing I can do in these moments, and I reach out to touch her cheek and I _show_ her how much I’ve always loved her. This time I give her one of my earliest memories, of being held in her strong, loving arms and seeing her beautiful face light up with love and happiness as I touched her with my baby hands. Her arms tighten around me, and she kisses the top of my head before releasing me and standing upright.

“Thank you,” she says quietly.

I smile at her. “Come on…big sister. It’s time for breakfast.”

“I already ate,” she tells me with a wink, and I notice that her eyes are so light they’re almost yellow.

I drink my morning half gallon of milk and start frying up eggs. As the scent of the frypan and then the eggs begins to permeate the house Emmett comes into the kitchen with a scowl.

“Why can’t you eat blood like a normal vampire?” he demands. “Do you have any idea how repellent this shit smells? Cookies are one thing, but all these eggs are something else.”

“I’m not a vampire,” I say sharply. “And if you don’t like my eggs, you can just get out of _my_ kitchen. I don’t know why you came in here anyway if you don’t want food…what else is there in a kitchen for you?” I flip a fourth egg out of the frypan and into my mouth, seeing admiration at the catch and disgust warring on Emmett’s face. I crack a fifth egg and grin at him.

“Looking for a pencil sharpener,” Emmett says, beginning to scrabble through the drawers. “Getting stuff together for school…you’d think in a house of people so invested in education there’d be something to sharpen a damn pencil with somewhere around!”

“Don’t you have teeth?” I say, my words garbled through the mouthful of egg.

Emmett looks offended. “I’m not using my teeth on pencils! I don’t want to get shavings in my mouth. Are you ready? They told me to come and tell you to hurry.”

“I’m ready,” I say, scrubbing out the frypan and leaving it on the draining board. “I’ll just get my things.”

I packed my tote last night so I only need to grab it off my desk and collect my violin case from on the window seat and then I head out to the garage. Rosalie is behind the wheel of Edward’s Mercedes and frowning because it’s not her Lexus, and Edward is sitting in the backseat and frowning because he’s not driving. They look like they’re going to a funeral. I say hi and slip in to the backseat next to Bella. Emmett bounds out a moment later, sneakers undone and a ratty backpack slung over one shoulder and slams into the front seat beside Rosalie. He leans across and kisses her, and then with enough force that I can feel myself being pushed back into the seat Rosalie accelerates and we’re on our way to my first day at school.

 


	9. The First Day

It’s somehow _more_ than I expected. There is more noise, more people, more confusion, more thudding heartbeats and staring eyes and whispers that follow me as I walk with my family from the parking lot to the office than I had thought.

I can smell the blood, and wonder how on earth the rest of them can stand it- so much of it and so temptingly accessible! When I look over at them I can see how much darker their eyes are now. Edward looks slightly pained and I realise that alongside the aural assault he is hearing a thousand mental voices competing for space inside his head, and I wince in sympathy.

At the office the principal takes a moment to come out of her office and say hello as we’re given locker assignments and prepaid cards to use for food in the cafeteria. She asks if we’d like student guides to help us out but the others assure her that we’ve got the maps and we’ll be fine, and then the five of us are outside in the hallway staring at each other, realising that it’s time to separate.

“Are you sure you’re okay Ren?” Rosalie asks. “You know the map and you know where you’re going?”

I nod, wondering if they’ll ever accept that I’m not a baby anymore. “I’ve memorised the map, and my locker should be just around the corner there.” I wave the hand which is holding my printed locker combination. “I’ll be fine…don’t worry. I’ll see you at lunch time.”

With an almost relieved sigh I turn my back on them and walk rapidly down the hallway and around the corner where, sure enough, I find my locker. It’s on the bottom row so I kneel down on the linoleum and try to open it. The combination is a little stiff but it opens without trouble and I begin putting my books away, keeping out what I’ll need for the first class.  

There’s a sudden thump as something kicks me in the back and then a breathless, agonised, “Sorry!”

I look up to see another girl, rubbing her knee and looking like she’s trying to cover up pain. She didn’t hurt me- I’m not as marble hard as a vampire but I’m a lot tougher than a human – but I give a fake wince and shake my head. “Don’t worry about it.”

The girl has short dark hair and freckles across her nose. She reminds me a little of Alice, and when I stand up and find myself towering over her she looks up at me and laughs. “They really should give out these lockers based on height,” she says cheerfully. “Are you new?”

I nod and hesitantly introduce myself. “I’m Ren Cullen.”

“I’m Sarah,” she informs me. “Do you know where your first class is?”

I tell her, and she grins. “That’s my English class too. I’ll take you along there if you like.” She seems to take it for granted that I’ll follow her, but I have no other options so I do. Sarah is bright and talkative and if the number of people she exchanges greetings with in the halls is any indication she must be quite popular.

Once in the classroom she points me to a desk and says, “You can sit there today if you like.”

I do, and watch as the classroom rapidly fills up around me, a little disconcerted when Edward walks in. Both seats beside me are taken, Sarah sitting in one and a boy who keeps staring at me in the other, so Edward merely dips his head at me and takes a seat in the far corner.

Sarah notices this little interaction and pounces on it. “Who is that? Is he your brother? Are you twins then? You look alike.”

I keep my face passive. I have fought against the twins idea, but it is hard to deny that Edward and I are genetically related and it’s the easiest story to explain why we appear the same age and would be in the same school grade. “Yes.”

Sarah’s eyes are wide with interest. “He’s…wow. Yeah!” She laughs, her eyes fastened on Edward and I can tell by the hunch in his shoulders that he can hear her thoughts.

I want to tell her that’s he’s not single and she should just stay away from him, but how to explain that his girlfriend is also kind of his sister…for the first time it occurs to me that this whole ‘adopted family’ thing isn’t the most uncomplicated of stories when it’s all full of couples. “Edward’s okay,” is all I say to Sarah, and then the teacher enters the room and I’m thankful to escape the conversation.

I am surprised first of all by the schoolwork, which leaves me floundering simply because it’s too simple. I have never analysed a text at this basic level in my life, and the mathematics is so ridiculously simple that at first I think it must be a prank on me and that Emmett is somehow responsible. But as the students around me groan and grumble and use their cell phones as calculators I realise that what my family have been telling me is true- that although I’m not as intellectually advanced as they are yet I’m also nowhere near the ordinary.

Secondly I am surprised by how friendly people are. After listening to my family and absorbing media about school education all my life I wouldn’t have been surprised if no one spoke to me or if someone was actually unkind. But instead I am relieved and then pleased to find that people are so nice. Sarah shows me from my first class to my second, and then a boy drops into the seat beside me and starts talking to me and I meet him and his friends. Another person takes me to the third period classroom and then Sarah appears again and takes me to my fourth class and into the cafeteria after that for lunch.

“Come sit with us!” she invites me, as she steers me towards the lunch line. I glance around the cafeteria and see Emmett, Rosalie and Edward already seated at a table over by the outside door.

“I don’t know if…they might be expecting me to sit with them,” I say uncertainly.

Sarah follows my gaze. “Whoa. Is that your family? We could sit with them if you want to.”

“Oh no,” I say hastily, taking up a tray and looking at my lunch options. “They’re not…they’re not very friendly.” I deliberately don’t look at the table where Emmett, who would have heard me, is now laughing. I place a carton of milk on my tray and then, after looking at the rest of the line, add a second milk and yoghurt and a custard out of the fridge section.

Sarah giggles. “They look a little intimidating! How many of you are there?”

I look at the hot food. “What is that?” I realise I might sound rude, but I’ve never seen food like the mess that is laid out before me.

“It’s casserole day,” Sarah says brightly. “That’s tuna and that’s…chow mein, maybe? That’s a vegetarian something. What did you eat at your other school?”

 _Deer, elk, bear…_ “I was home schooled,” I say, taking a banana and heading to the register. “I’ve never seen food like that in my life.”

Sarah laughs as she takes a hot lunch and then nudges me towards a table. I can feel the eyes of my family on me as I follow her and sit down away from them. “You’re like an alien or something, never having been to school.”

“Where we lived was very isolated,” I say a little defensively.

Sarah’s eyes are fastened on my family with fascination. “So who is who?”

I glance over. “Well, that’s Edward who you saw this morning. And that’s Bella, just sitting down now. Then there’s Rosalie, and Emmett- they’re juniors.” All four of them are staring at me, and I make a face at them.

“That’s some gene pool,” Bailey comments, grinning at me.

“We’re adopted,” I say. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want to talk about my family either. I know they can hear every word I say, they’re not even pretending not to listen. I take a long drink of milk.

“Where did you live before?” Bailey wants to know.

“We lived in Alaska,” I say reluctantly. “We were homeschooled- my dad is a doctor and we moved here for his work.”

 “Hey Ren, how’s it going?”

There’s a crash as a bag full of books falls to the ground and then a clatter as a pair of crutches topple after them. I look over and smile as Will, the boy from the hospital, slides himself into a seat, his plastered leg stuck out in to the aisle.

“You turned up after all,” he says with a grin. “Wasn’t sure I’d see you again.”

“It took a little while for the house to be ready,” I answer. “We moved in on the weekend.”

“You two already know each other?” Sarah asks. There’s a glint in her eyes that makes me uneasy, and I find myself glancing over at Edward who would no doubt be able to ready her mind and tell me if I have any need for concern. For once he’s not looking at me though, his head bent close to Bella as the two of them talk.

“I met Ren at the hospital after physio one day,” Will replies, tapping his cast. “It was right after I did this, she was visiting with her dad.”

Sarah sits back in her seat, narrowing her eyes. A moment later an appalled look crosses her face and she leans forward as she hisses dramatically. “Ren, _what_ is the deal with your family? Your _brother_ just _kissed_ your sister!”

Oh! A furious wave of embarrassment floods me. Damn Emmett and Rosalie and their inability to keep their hands off each other! But when I flick my eyes to the side I’m even more horrified to realise it’s not Emmett and Rosalie at all- it’s Edward with his hands on either side of Bella’s face and their foreheads pressed together.

“I told you we’re adopted,” I say with clenched teeth, mentally screaming at Edward. He must hear me because his jaw twitches, but he calmly drops his hands and leans away from Bella, a small half smile on his face. _You jackass._ “Carlisle and Esme adopted Emmett and Edward and I, and Rosalie and Bella are foster children that came later. We say brother and sister because it’s easier than explaining all the time, but I’m the only one unfortunate enough to be related to Edward by blood,” I add, knowing he’ll hear me.

He must tell the others what I say, because Emmett grins at me mischievously across the cafeteria and slings an arm around Rosalie. While I don’t even want to _think_ about what his hand might be doing to her under the table, I’m grateful that she at least has some semblance of respectability as she rolls her eyes at him and unhooks his hand from her shoulder.

“I didn’t realise there were so many of you,” Will says. I’m surprised when he looks casually their way and then back to me without pausing to stare at Rosalie, like every other male in the world does. “How has your first day been?”

“It’s been interesting,” I say cautiously.

“Are you joining the orchestra?” Will asks. “I remember you were reading that book when I met you…” I watch in fascination as the dull red of a blush rises in his cheeks.

It takes me a moment to realise that I should be answering, not just staring. “Yes, they put me in the orchestra.”

“Will has joined while his leg heals,” Sarah says with a giggle, giving Will a pointed look.

Will’s blush deepens. “I can’t do gym while I’ve got the cast on, so they make me go hang out in the music room,” he mumbles.

I finish my banana and open my second carton of milk. I notice that a couple of people eye my tray of lunch with barely concealed smirks and looking around I realise that my dairy and banana lunch is perhaps a little odd. But since the high protein and fat content is what my body needs, I just keep swallowing my milk as I listen to the conversation flow around me.

As the bell rings for the end of the lunch period I throw my trash away and return the tray. My bag is slung over my shoulder and Bailey grabs the strap and gives me a friendly smile. “Want me to show you the way to the music room?” she asks.

“Thank you,” I answer, tightening my grip on my violin case as the crowds around me increase. I feel the bump of Will’s crutches against my arm and I try to give him room.

“Thanks,” he says with a smile.

Suddenly I can smell Edward’s scent and feel his cool shoulder touching mine. “Watch out for that boy,” he says, too low for any of the humans to hear.

“What?” I step aside as we leave the cafeteria so that the crowd flows past me and Edward and I are standing together. “What do you mean?”

Edward half smiles. “Teenage boy and beautiful girl like you? He likes you Ness.”

“Ren,” I remind him, making a face. “Don’t be stupid. He doesn’t even know me.” I consult my mental map and start heading towards the music room.

Edward raises his eyebrows. “That doesn’t necessarily matter,” he says, keeping pace with me.

I am surprised by the fluttering feeling of nerves in my belly. I have thought about finding friends in school, human friends, but the way Edward is looking from me to Will’s brown hair above the crowd and back again makes me think that it is not friendship Edward has been reading from his head. This is not a subject I have given any thought to before making my plans, and it disturbs and unsettles me to have it raised on the first day.

“Just be careful,” Edward murmurs as we enter the music room side by side. “Don’t get caught up in something you can’t handle…”

I flash him a look of hurt. “I can handle anything that comes up,” I snap, and for the first time in my life I turn my back on him and walk away, over to where Bailey is waving at me as she rosins her bow.

“Your brother plays too?” she asks, a faint look of unease on her face.

“Piano,” I mutter. I watch Edward take a seat against the wall, and notice how the girl sitting next to him seems to automatically tense up and angle her body away from him. I’ve never been as aware of the human response to my vampire family as I have been today. Even the conductor, when she arrives, seems awkward and intimidated as Edwards rises to his feet and speaks to her, although when I trail over there to introduce myself she is brisk and forceful as she asks me questions about my experience.

Much to my horror she asks us to play something. I want to just play quietly in the back corner of the string section, taking my cue for an appropriate level of skill from those around me, but instead I’m forced to stand beside Edward at the piano and play something for everyone to listen to. I guess Edward can tell how panicked I feel because he calmly takes one of the simpler music books from the table and opens it to a page at random.

“We’ll do this,” he murmurs, eyes scanning the page. “It’s basic, you’ll come off as talented but they won’t be aware of just what you can do.” He touches my hand and the familiar feel of cold vampire skin settles me down and I nod.

Once I start playing, everything else fades away. There is nothing but the music, lilting and beautiful and speaking to my heart in a way that words never do. Edward taught me to play the piano when I was very young and I loved it, but when Esme and Carlisle gave me my violin for my first birthday it felt like I’d come home. I am glad Edward chose something simple because I can no more bring myself to play badly on purpose than I can to shout to the classroom what I really am. Instead I play the simple tune and make the notes sing, pretending I am back in Alaska, playing for Jacob who always loved my music. _Jacob._ The thought of him comes to me and at the same time I catch Will’s eye, and my last note is a discordant one as I drop my eyes in confusion.

“Well done!” Ms Martinez says, amongst a scattering of applause. She gives me a friendly smile. “You were doing so well up until the end Ren! Never mind, it was excellent. Excellent Edward, thank you. You can both go and take a seat.”

I take my violin and sit hastily down beside Bailey who is eyeing me with a new respect, her own violin lying across her lap. “You’re _good_ ,” she says. “How long have you been playing?”

 _Since I was one? Six years?_ “Oh, ages,” I say brightly. “I learned piano first but I love the violin.” I bend my head over the music book that Ms Martinez passes across to me, looking at what I will be expected to play.

Bailey giggles suddenly. “Will’s looking at you. He really pretty obvious, isn’t he?”

I raise my eyes and for a brief moment I’m caught in Will’s gaze, his blue eyes holding my brown ones. He smiles, and I quickly look away, seeing Edward’s faint scowl on the other side of the room and wondering if going to high school is going to be a lot more complicated than I ever imagined.

 


	10. Shadows of Imprints

I am exhausted by the end of the school day, but when I get out to the car I am the only one there and I don’t have a key. I lean against the door with a sigh.

Sarah materialises at my side, looking as bright and perky as she did when she kicked me by the lockers this morning. “How was your day Ren?”

I try to smile. “Good. Everyone was so nice!”

“I bet it’s a big change from being homeschooled,” Sarah laughs.

 _Oh, you have no idea!_ I laugh too. “Are you waiting on a ride?” I ask.

“My sister,” Sarah explains. “She’s a senior and she’ll drive me home when she doesn’t have math club.” She makes a face and then notices the Mercedes I’m leaning against. “Whoa, sweet ride! Is that your parents’ car or does it actually belong to one of your brothers or sisters?”

 _Wonder what she’d say about Rosalie’s Lexus?_ “It’s pretty nice,” I say guardedly. “It’s what we’re driving to school at the moment, so we kind of share it.”

“Well, it’s sweet. I hear Will has a thing for you,” Sarah says with an edge in her voice.

“What?” I don’t blush, but I’m so embarrassed that I feel as though I should be. “Who said that?”

“Bailey said he was practically drooling over you during orchestra.”

I blanch. “I wouldn’t have said _that_.” I look at her uncertainly. “Is he…do you like him?” Is this what I’m supposed to ask her? I want to _know_ , but I don’t know if I should ask or just wait to be told.

Sarah tosses her head. “Oh, Will’s great. We’ve all been friends since elementary school…but no, it’s not like I have a _thing_ for him.”

I’m not convinced by her words, but I’m saved from having to answer by Emmett’s approach. He grins at us, and Sarah takes a hasty step backwards.

“Well, here’s your brother coming,” she says quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow Ren!”

Emmett chuckles as he reaches my side. “Well, she ran off in a hurry…”

I look at him and shake my head. “Do you deliberately try and scare people?”

“Not deliberately.” Emmett stretches his arms up and all the muscles in his shoulders and back bulge beneath his t-shirt. He catches me watching and snaps his teeth at me. “Nice that they have a healthy respect for me though.”

I roll my eyes and then, hearing the beep of the remote lock I open the car and slide into the backseat. A second later Rosalie is in the driver’s seat, turned around to look at me.

“How was your first day?”

I shrug. “I’m not even sure,” I say honestly. “It’s so confusing, all these humans.”

Rosalie laughs gently. “It will get easier,” she tells me, leaning against Emmett as he softly kisses her temple and strokes her hair.

“She’s already found herself an admirer,” Edward informs Emmett and Rosalie, sliding in to the car beside me. He moves to kiss my forehead and I duck away.

“Shut up, nosy,” I say in annoyance, as Rosalie raises her eyebrows at me and Emmett laughs.

“Christ, don’t be like your dad!” Emmett exclaims. “No humans, Monster! Remember what you are!”

“You shut up too!” I say, furious. “You don’t know anything about it!” I scrunch down in the seat with my arms folded across my chest and kick the back of Emmett’s seat hard. “Jerk,” I mutter.

Emmett laughs unrepentantly and I ignore them all as Bella finally joins us and we go home. I don’t know why I reacted so furiously to Emmett’s comment. It isn’t as though he hasn’t been teasing me my whole life! But I don’t want the complications of a romance at school, and I definitely don’t want my family watching avidly from the sidelines as I try and make friends.

  _Remember what you are!_ Emmett’s comment, which he didn’t mean as anything more than a joke, stings. What am I? I’m not the only half human-half vampire hybrid in the world, but with Nahuel and his sisters living down in the Amazon jungle I may as well be. Not vampire, not human, but caught somewhere in the middle and never quite belonging anywhere…I don’t know what it means to be what I am! I stare out the window and bite my lip hard against the threatening tears.

  When we reach home I am greatly cheered by the plate of cookies Esme offers me. Cookies and another half a gallon of milk do wonders for my state of mind, and as I eat my oatmeal raisin cookies and drink milk and talk about my first day I am even quite enthusiastic about school. For all it was difficult and confusing and not quite what I expected…I’m glad I went.

The others are all quite blasé about the new school. Bella tells Esme a few things about her day and then wanders off to the porch with a book, but she’s the only one who even talks about it. Edward just shrugs and says that school is school, and then sits down at his piano with a pencil and his half completed music manuscript. Emmett and Rosalie merely wave as they hasten through the house on their way outside for some hunting.

When I finish my snack I head towards my room to take care of a little homework. No one else is doing homework and I realise with a stab of resentment that since they don’t sleep they all have at least eight extra hours a day in which to do the things they have to do. It can’t be helped though, and considering that my homework takes me only about twenty minutes I’m not really that upset about it.

I’m just about to turn my computer off and go and play the violin when I notice that among my lists of contacts, one of them is online for the first time in weeks. Not Jacob ( _JacobWilliamBlack_ has remained resolutely offline), but Seth Clearwater, a friend who used to be a member of his pack. I look at the name, my heart thudding. I know Seth. He used to hang around the house in Forks sometimes, and was about the only pack member who wasn’t repulsed by very nature of vampirism, and didn’t automatically view me as some kind of hellish demon-child. More important than any of that though, is that I know that Seth is still at the reservation. _He’ll know how Jacob is._

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** Seth? Are you there?

 **Wolfman92:**. Ness? That really you?

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** Yes.

 **Wolfman92:** Long time no chat! How you doing?

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** Okay. Started at a new school today. You?

 **Wolfman92:** nothing much. Not the same since all the vamps left town.

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** lol

 **Wolfman92:** you and the bloodsuckers planning on coming back ever?

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** don’t think so

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** people might wonder why no one looks any older

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** you miss us?

 **Wolfman92:** miss all the murders and battles and threats of death?

 **Wolfman92:** of course!

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** lol

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** wanted to ask you how Jacob is.

 **Wolfman92:** Ok.

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** okay- he’s okay, or okay- I can ask you okay?

 **Wolfman92:** J is ok

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** do you see him a lot?

 **Wolfman92:** he’s around

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** has he said anything about what happened?

 **Wolfman92:** not much

 **Wolfman92:** you hurt him bad Ness

 **Wolfman92:** you still there?

 **Wolfman92:** look, I’m sorry, but you asked

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** I didn’t want to hurt him

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** I’m so sorry

 **Wolfman92:** I’m not the one you need to tell

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** do you think it would make any difference?

 **Wolfman92:** are you coming back for him?

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** I can’t

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** it’s too complicated to explain

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** but this is how it has to be

 **Wolfman92:** then you should probably just leave him alone

 **Wolfman92:** sorry

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** I’m sorry.

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** Iwouldn’t have done this if I had another choice

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** take care of him for me, please

 **Wolfman92:** will do

 **Wolfman92:** he’s my pack brother

 **Wolfman92:** Jake’ll be ok- he’s a tough guy

 **Lochnessmonstergirl:** thank you

 **Wolfman92:** it’s cool

**Wolfman92 has signed out. Lochnessmostergirl has signed out.**

 

Closing down the laptop I flop backwards on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with eyes that swim with tears. _Oh my Jacob, I’m so sorry that I’ve made you unhappy. I’m so sorry that I hurt you!_ Once again I feel that fierce rush of rage at the unfairness of imprinting, at the power it has to hurt those involved. Sam and Leah and Emily, now Jacob and I...are there no end to the lives that are going to be damaged by this?

It worked out for Jared and Kim, and bizarrely Jacob’s sister Rachel came around to the idea of Paul and he’s like a different person now and the two of them are happy. The jury is still out on Quil and Claire, but I know from the little Jacob has said that it’s not working out so well for them right now. Quil is a grown man and his life revolves around a ten year old. While technically she’s older than I am, Claire is also a _normal_ ten year old, who plays with Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop toys and is obsessed with Harry Potter and who is getting eliminated from American Idol, and is not the least bit interested in ancient Quileute legends.

Imprinting feels like some random deity is just playing games with all these lives, and everyone involved is held hostage to it. For those who imprint it seems that there is no escape from the ties, although I’m pushing that boundary with Jacob now. Even those who don’t imprint can’t get away from it, because after witnessing the Sam-Leah-Emily tragedy none of them want to open themselves up to relationships and risk that kind of pain. Seth has told me he will never date, because he won’t do to another girl what was done to his sister. They’re all caught up in limbo, those people who became the wolves and have effectively lost their free will and the potential of their lives in the process.

Really, it’s no wonder they hate the vampires. It’s an uncomfortable fact I can’t get away from that if it weren’t for my vampire family settling in Forks, none of the Quileutes would have ever phased…the wolf would have stayed in the realm of legend and no one would have been hurt. If it weren’t for me being born and half the vampire population turning up intending to either kill me or protect me, the wolf pack would have had no reason to grow to the numbers it did, and there would not now be so many Quileutes whose lives are tied to the fate of the wolf.

Even now no one knows what the purpose of imprinting is, and why it happens for some and not others. There were theories about it being a way of strengthening or preserving the bloodlines but if that’s the case why did Leah or Seth never imprint when they carry the wolf genes through three lines of descent? Why would Quil imprint on a child who is years away from being able to have a child of her own? And why on earth would Jacob imprint on _me_ when I’m not even the same _species_?

I know there’s been endless speculation within the family and even the wolf pack about my ability, or lack of, to reproduce. I hate the idea of them talking about me like that, and I have always refused to even let them broach the subject in my presence. The only time anyone has ever said anything to Jacob it was Emmett and his big mouth, and that ended up in Jacob phasing and the two of them brawling on the front lawn. But whatever people’s theories and hypotheses are, no one knows for sure just what would happen if I ever took that intimate step with someone, whether they be human, vampire or shape shifter.

For what it’s worth, I do have a menstrual cycle. Not the same as an ordinary human one, but there does seem to be a ‘normal’ for me, which Carlisle thinks is a good indication of at least potential fertility. In what still rates as one of the most embarrassing experience of my life I got my first period when I was playing video games with Emmett and Jasper one day. They realised what was going on before I did and Jasper just got up and left the room, leaving me to Emmett’s tender mercies. Believe me, I could have lived forever without having Emmett inform me bluntly that he can tell I’ve just started my period and while he knows the biology of it as well as anyone, as a vampire and a man it wasn’t really his area and wouldn’t I rather go and talk to Rosalie? In all fairness to him he was as gentle and matter of fact about it as he could be, but it is still not an experience I would care to repeat.

  Thank goodness for Rosalie. She and Alice were the only girls home and Alice turned out to be almost as freaked out by the whole idea as the boys, I guess because she had no human memories of such a thing happening to her. Rosalie did just what I needed her to though, helped me sort myself out and then gave me ice cream and a hug and promised me that, although everyone would always _know_ when it was happening to me, no one would ever say anything to embarrass me.

I appreciated Rosalie even more later on, when I realised how difficult dealing with that moment must have been for her. After she’d talked to me and hugged me and warned Emmett he would lose a testicle if he ever said anything about it to upset me, I felt much better about the whole situation and went to practise my violin. Rosalie saw me right and then disappeared, alone, into the forest for several hours. She smashed a lot of things up that afternoon – trees and rocks, I saw the evidence later – but she never, ever let on to me how much that proof of my growth and development and potential fertility had hurt her as it reminded her once again of what she didn’t have and never would.

With a sigh I sit up and reach for my violin. The music will make it better, it always does. But as I play, eyes closed and notes coming by instinct, there is a sobbing thread of sadness running through my melodies and it is as though I can hear, from a great distance, the howling of a wolf.

_I’m sorry Jacob._


	11. Will Asks a Question

Mom wakes me up the following morning, sitting on my bed and stroking my hair as I groggily open my eyes. “Hi Mommy,” I mumble.

Bella smiles. “Hi baby. I thought there was going to be no more Mom and Mommy?”

I yawn and sit up, pushing my hair back. “I guess I just forgot.” I can’t help smiling at her. “But it does seem kind of funny sometimes saying Mom when we look the same age now.”

“It does,” Bella agrees. “Although it seemed stranger to me yesterday when we were both in the same science lab and you were my sister. Or perhaps when Edward kissed me in the cafeteria and I heard your new friends being horrified that your brother was kissing your sister!”

I laugh. “So it’s weird being back at school?”

“Weirder than I thought,” Bella admits. “It really wasn’t that long ago that I was human, but it feels like aeons.” She sighs as she absent-mindedly combs her fingers through my hair. “I think it will be a more difficult adjustment than I anticipated, going from being an independent adult at college and being your mother here at home to being a high school student who’s not even trusted to walk to the library without asking permission.”

“I guess you’ll get used to it,” I say quietly. “I guess we’ll all just get used to the new way of things.”

Bella nods and then hesitates, chewing on her bottom lip anxiously. “Are _you_ getting used to the new way of things? Is is…okay for you…without Jacob?” It’s the first time she’s said his name to me in weeks.

My fingers touch my wrist where my bracelet from Jacob was always worn, and the feeling of the bare skin now gives me an odd feeling of strength. _I_ _can do this. I AM doing this, living without Jacob, finding my feet when he is not there to hold my hands or catch me when I fall._

“It _is_ okay,” I say, my voice low. “I’m learning how to make it be okay. I miss him, Mommy, I miss him so much and there’s part of my world that is always going to be empty just because he’s not in it. But missing him isn’t going to destroy the rest of my life either- I can love him and miss him and be so glad that I was lucky enough to have that kind of love and protection and friendship when I really needed it, and still keep on looking forward for whatever else life might throw my way.”

I look at her, a smile blooming on my face because as I speak them the words ring with truth and I know that this is right. By sending Jacob away, as cruel and agonising as it felt at the time, I have at least made an honest attempt to set both of us free.

“I know we don’t talk about it,” I go on tentatively. “But don’t forget, before I came along Jacob chose _you_. He fought to keep you human, because he believed in that kind of life…and now I’m giving it back to him.”

“But the imprinting- no one’s been able to go against that,” Bella says quietly.

“No vampire went without human blood until Carlisle did it,” I remind her. “Everything is impossible until someone does it. And if any of the wolves can beat the odds and break what’s considered unbreakable, it will be Jacob.” This is I do not doubt, Jacob has always been a giant in my eyes, capable of any feat of strength or daring or love.    

“I love him,” I say after a moment of silence. “I always will. But imprinting is love without choice, and that’s not the kind of love I want at all.”

Bella leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. “Sometimes I think I’ve learned more from you in the past eight years than I learned in my whole life up until that point,” she says sincerely. “I love you baby.”

I hug her back and then she rises from my bed, checking her reflection and smoothing down her hair. “You need to get ready for school now. We’ll be ready to go soon.”

I throw on some clothes and brush my hair, tying it back into a ponytail and then skipping out into the kitchen for breakfast. Much to my pleasure Esme is already there making me an omelette, and I thank her and then sit at the breakfast bar and drink my milk, waiting for her to be done.

“Has Emmett been buying you t-shirts again?” Esme asks in amusement.

I look down at my Buffy the Vampire Slayer t-shirt and laugh. “Yes…I thought Alice was going to cry.” I take a mouthful of omelette. “Thanks Esme, these are really good.” Looking up at the clock I start to eat faster.

“I was going into town to do some shopping today, do you need any food?” Esme asks.

“Steak please,” I say, swallowing down the last of my eggs and draining the milk carton. “Eggs, milk, yoghurt…the usual things.” I run into my room and grab my bag and my violin and duck back out, giving Esme a quick kiss. “Thank you for breakfast- I’ll see you tonight!”

“Nice t-shirt,” Emmett laughs as I scramble into the car. Bella gives me a grin, but Edward and Rosalie just shake their heads. I notice that Emmett has a Van Helsing t-shirt on and I laugh too.

“You two are going to make everyone at school think our family has issues with your collection of vampire shirts,” Rosalie says.

“Because of course we _don’t_ have issues,” Emmett teases. “Perfectly normal, ordinary family, that’s us. No funny business, nothing out of the ordinary...”

I feel more confident about school today, but there is still a quiver of nerves deep in my belly as the five of us walk towards school. Once again I notice the human reaction to the vampires, the unconscious shrinking away and tension as my vampire family walk through the crowds of the unaware.

“Will we see you at lunch?” Rosalie asks me as I turn away towards my locker.

I hesitate. “I’m not sure.”

Rosalie’s face is unreadable, in that particularly stiff and expressionless way she holds it when she’s hiding some emotion. For a moment we all stand together, and then I see Dad frown slightly at Rose and shake his head almost imperceptibly. Rosalie tosses her hair over her shoulder and walks off, and then Emmett shrugs at the rest of us and follows her.

“What is it?” I ask. “Surely it’s not a big deal if I eat lunch with friends instead of my family? Considering none of you even eat!”

“Shh,” Edward looks irritated, but I’m not sure if it’s directed at me or Rosalie. “Discretion please, Renesmee.”

“Ren” I mutter sullenly.

Edward frowns at me. “Try and understand Renesmee, this is a new and different high school experience for us with you here. You can play human more convincingly than we can, and it seems like you intend to take advantage of that. We understand why you would do that, but you need to also try and understand why it makes us nervous. There’s a lot at stake here.”

“Why do you not trust me to be careful?” I ask in exasperation. “I know the rules as well as anyone, and you’ve broken them more than I ever have!”

Not waiting for the angry look on Edward’s face to translate into words I turn and walk rapidly towards my locker, realising that Sarah and Bailey are huddled together in front of it, staring at my family and I and whispering. I feel a stab of unease, but try and smile.

“Hi,” I say.

They move aside so I can kneel down and open my locker. “What was that all about?” Sarah asks with a giggle. “Your family is certainly pretty intense!”

“Intense…or a bunch of sociopaths,” I mutter, to their amusement. I look up at their smiling faces and try and relax. “It’s okay. It’s just that I’m the youngest, and they all feel the need to take care of me constantly.”

“You and Edward are twins!” Bailey laughs. “You can’t be _that_ much younger!”

_Oh, just one hundred and five years!_ “He’s a little over protective,” I sigh. “Our family life is kind of complicated.” _Well, that’s just about the understatement of the century._

Sarah and Bailey’s faces are alight with interest, and I have the uncomfortable feeling that even without saying anything much I have said too much. I know that human relationships thrive on reciprocity- sharing words and feelings and things and experiences – and I wonder how I am going to manage when the best I can offer is sharing lies and half-truths and deception.

The bell rings, saving me from the questions about my family, and I embark upon my second day of school. It is much the same as my first day, with the exception that I am already starting to know people. My perfect recall helps, as I am effortlessly able to remember faces and match them to names. What also helps is that this is a small school in a small town, where most of the students have known each other since elementary school, and where a new face is an interesting curiosity that they’re all keen to investigate. What helps most of all is Sarah, who is the central figure in a large group of friends and who seems intent on adopting me as one of them.

It makes me happy to be so easily accepted into this world, even if that acceptance is based on a lie. Growing up as the freak of nature that I am has always made acceptance incredibly precious to me, because there have always been very real reasons why I would be rejected. Even before I was born I almost killed my mother, and considering it took making her a vampire to save her after the brutality of my birth I did end up robbing her of her humanity, if not her life.  After I was born I was a baby only I wasn’t- a child who grew too fast and knew too much and wasn’t anything like the sweet, helpless infant Esme had once borne and Rosalie had longed for. The wolves would have killed me for being a monster if Jacob hadn’t imprinted and made me his, and even after that for a long time they felt nothing more than a wary and reluctant duty towards me. Even the vampires who came to see me out of respect for Carlisle had an instinctive reaction of fear and animosity to the very idea of me. All my life I have been accepted only after proving myself – not dangerous, not a monster, not an immortal child, not a killer – it is a strange and welcome experience to move through this human world where the emotions are not so intense and there is no fear.

It might be nice to be accepted into this group of people, but that doesn’t mean it’s simple. There are all kind of undercurrents of feeling that I notice but don’t understand, and there is a whole language for talking about things that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m used to my family where, between Edward’s mind reading, Alice’s future telling and Jasper’s unerring sense of emotion, no one ever bothers to lie. Now I’m struggling to orient myself in a world with people who _do_ lie, who have secrets and gossip and whose motives are not always obvious. I am trying to step carefully.

Will is in my class directly before lunch, and as I move towards the door I hear him call my name. I turn to face him.

“Are you going to lunch?” he asks. “Wait a moment, and I’ll hop along with you.”

I step over towards the desk he’s in, standing on his one good leg while he shoves his books into a backpack. “Do you need help?” I ask.

Will shakes his head. “No thanks, I’m pretty good now. I just let the bulk of the crowd go out first. It’s not exactly fun when someone hooks the tip of the crutch and sends me to the floor.”

“Did that happen?”

“Way too freaking often in the first week or two!” Will grinned. “Apparently for a basketballer I’m not really that coordinated when it comes to crutches. Have you ever had to use them?”

_I don’t think it’s possible to break my bones. Emmett did once offer to try, but…_ “No, I’ve never broken a bone.”

The two of us move through the hallways towards the cafeteria. “I should get the cast off at the end of the week though,” Will tells me cheerfully. “They’ll give me a boot then, that’ll make everything easier. I might even be able to dance.” He gives me a sideways glance, which I meet with innocent eyes, watching the blush flood his cheeks as his voice stumbles over his next words. “I don’t know if you know…and I mean, I know we don’t really know each other that well and you might not want to, but…well, it’s Homecoming next week, and I thought that…maybe you might want to go to the dance with me?”

“Homecoming?” I blink, as my mind goes back to all the Homecoming dances I’ve read about or seen on television or movies. “Um…”

“It’s okay,” Will’s face is scarlet. “I mean, I won’t be able to dance much even with a boot, I just thought…”

“I’d like to,” I say abruptly. “I would like to go very much Will, thank you for the invitation. I’m just not sure if my family…” I hesitate. “It’s a little complicated.”

“Sarah said they were a bit overprotective,” Will says. He is grinning at me, clearly he wanted me to accept his offer.

I shrug and open my mouth to say something, but smell the familiar scent of Emmett as he appears suddenly beside me, scowling at Will whose blush drains away as he stumbles a little. Damn it, Emmett! I glare back at him. “Can I help you?” I say sarcastically.

Emmett grins at me. “Just checking up on you,” he says easily. “You know, since we’re so _overprotective_ and all…”

“Go away, you ass!” I mutter in a voice too low for Will to hear.

Emmett’s eyes are sparkling. “Just wait til _your dad_ hears you’ve been asked out on a date,” he says gleefully. “Oh, wait until I’m around before you tell him Monster, I’m begging you, because that’s a fight I’ve just _got_ to hear!”

“Emmett…” I say pleadingly, but he just laughs and looks at Will appraisingly.

“Oh, I’m not getting involved Monster!” he snorts. He swings into the cafeteria ahead of us and then winks at me and heads over to Rosalie rather than join us in the food line, which I’m thankful for.

Will looks at me apprehensively. “I don’t want to cause trouble for you,” he says softly. “I thought your dad seemed all right…”

For a moment I look at him confused, because what does he know about Edward? I then realise that he’s talking about Carlisle, whom he met at the hospital all those weeks ago. “Oh, Carlisle is fine,” I say, a little distractedly. “That was just Emmett being Emmett…he can be a total ass,” I add, knowing he’s listening. It occurs to me that not only can Emmett hear me, but Edward can too, and has also probably just read the whole situation out of Emmett’s mind…however there are certain advantages to being in a cafeteria full of humans and one of them is that no one can do anything in the least bit out of the ordinary. I smile at Will. “I’d love to go with you to the Homecoming dance, and don’t worry about my family…I’ll deal with them.”

When I see the grin on Will’s face I’m glad I said yes. He is nice, this human boy…maybe he can be my friend.

“Can I ask why he calls you Monster?” Will ventures, a moment later.

“Oh, that. It’s because of my name. It’s actually…Renesmee,” I clarify, shaking my head in mortification. “I know, I know…but they used to call me Ness, and then Emmett started calling me Loch Ness Monster and…you know.”

For a minute Will stares at me, and then he throws back his head and laughs, and after a moment’s hesitation I laugh with him.

“I’ve got two older brothers myself,” Will tells me. “Trust me, I know how they can be! Families are weird.”

_Oh you’ve no idea how weird my family is!_ But I give him a comradely smile back and nod my head. “They sure are.”

 


	12. Us and Them...and Me

“Will asked you to Homecoming?” Bailey grins at me as the two of sit in the violin section of orchestra. “That’s awesome! You’ll have a great time.” She smiles a little wistfully. “You’ve only been here two days and you’ve already got a guy to ask you out…you’ll have to let me know your secrets. Not that I suppose you’ve ever had trouble getting a date.”

“What do you mean?” I am honestly curious how these humans see me.

“Well, look at you!” Bailey seems half embarrassed. “You’re gorgeous Ren, you’re smart and funny and there’s just something about you…haven’t you noticed the way everyone wants to talk to you and be your friend? That’s not exactly usual you know.”

I stroke the satin smooth wood of my violin thoughtfully. Maybe it’s not normal, I don’t know. I think about Carlisle telling me about the gifts a vampire has that lure and seduce the human prey- their inhuman beauty and charisma and scent…everything designed to appeal to humans and draw them in even as their instincts might scream of danger. I wonder how much my vampire side is responsible for the human response to me.

“Thank you for the compliment,” I say at last. “I’m not really sure how I must seem to you sometimes. Growing up with my family lends a somewhat skewed perspective to what is normal.”

It’s true, I think to myself, picturing them in my head. I have always measured myself against them, and when my standard of beautiful is Rosalie I will never measure up.  I have always measured everything against them, my intelligence and strength and skills and have always seen myself as the less able, less magical little sister and daughter…maybe I need to start looking at myself without standing in their shadow.

“Your sister Rosalie is stunning,” Bailey says enviously. “I’m not surprised you’d have a complex, growing up with her around! I bet she never got fat or had an awkward stage or braces or anything.”

 I laugh. “No.” Rosalie has been the same exquisite, perfect self since the first time I saw her, clothes stained with my mother’s blood from the chaos of my birth. “Rosalie is never awkward.”

“Violins please!” Ms Martinez calls, and Bailey and I hastily pay attention, raising our instruments and beginning to play through the new song we are learning. I am note perfect from the first try and once Ms Martinez finishes with us and moves over to the flute section Bailey looks at me enviously.

“You’re really good,” she says with a sigh. “I wish I was better!”

“You’re doing fine,” I say in surprise, because although she is not playing like I do she is making fewer mistakes than the other students around us and her technique is excellent.

“I need to be more than fine,” Bailey says matter-of-factly, tapping her bow thoughtfully on her chin. “I need to be good enough to win a music scholarship, or else there will be no college for me.” She shrugs and looks around the music room, her face tense as I can see her mentally assessing the other students as her competition.

“If you would like to we could work on it together sometime,” I offer hesitantly. “If you think it might help?”

Bailey smiles widely. “Ren, that would be great! Maybe after school sometime soon?”

I nod happily. “Sure.”

I’m feeling buoyed up by this developing friendship as the school day ends and I gather the books I’ll need for homework. I’m thinking about Bailey and Will and wondering if we’ll all go to the football game before the dance and I’m so caught up in my own head that I barely notice the frosty silence in the car as I slide in beside Bella. It is only as Rosalie accelerates out of the parking lots with a squeal of tires that I look up and realise that no one is talking, and no one looks very happy.

“What?” I say apprehensively.

Emmett opens his mouth, catches Edward’s eye in the rear view mirror and subsides silently. His eyes meet mine with a gleam of amusement and he raises one eyebrow at me challengingly.

“We’ll talk at home,” Edward says shortly.

“I didn’t do anything!” I say defensively.

“At home, Renesmee,” Bella says quietly, touching my hand.

I snatch my hand away, already fuming. It’s a school _dance_ , that’s all…it’s not like I’ve gone and spilled the family secrets or snacked on another student. But I bite my tongue and say nothing as Rosalie speeds us home, then fling myself out of the car and bolt for my room.

 I wait until I hear Jasper and Alice in the living room before venturing out. Taking a bottle of milk out of the fridge I walk silently in to join them, finding Jasper and Emmett setting out their chess boards and Alice talking animatedly to Rosalie, both of them tucked up on the sofa.

“Do you know where Bella and Edward are?” I ask.

Emmett grins at me. “They’re out hunting. You’ve got a reprieve, Monster.”

Alice looks up. “What have you been up to?” A brief frown flashes across her face. “I really don’t like not being able to see you in my visions now that you’re away from home for hours each day!”

I drink half the bottle of milk before replying. “I haven’t done anything. Someone asked me to go to the Homecoming dance with him, that’s all.”

Alice shrieks and claps her hands gleefully. “Ren, that’s wonderful! Please, please, _please_ tell me you’re going to wear a dress,” she adds desperately. “Darling girl, I bite my tongue – sometimes – about the endless t-shirts and the boots. I have given up on the sleepwear and you can wear Emmett’s old band t-shirts to bed for the rest of your _life_ and I promise I won’t say a word if you’ll only let me help you find a dress to wear to this dance!” She clutches my hands, nearly spilling the milk, and looks at me imploringly. “ _Please!”_

I can’t help laughing as I disentangle my hands and drink the rest of my milk. “Okay,” I say as I swallow the last drops. “I’ll wear a dress and you can pick it out.”

“ _If_ you’re allowed to go,” Emmett interjects, looking up with an impish grin. “I can’t say that Edward was best pleased to overhear your plans at lunch time today.”

 Alice puts her hands on her hips and looks at Emmett indignantly. “What can Edward have against Homecoming?”

Rosalie snorts. “I don’t think it’s Homecoming, so much as some human boy eyeing off Edward’s little miracle.”

“Um, hello?” I wave. “Still right here? You can talk TO me, not about me you know.” I’m more hurt by Rosalie’s careless, biting words than I let on. I know she can be a bitch, she is hard and determined and it is not in her personality to coddle people’s feelings, but she has never been anything but loving to me.

“So who is the brave boy who would dare to ask out Ren Cullen?” Alice asks cheekily. “Goodness, I like him already…he has _seen_ your supposed older brother Emmett, right?”

I can’t help but grin at her. “His name is Will. He’s one of the people I eat lunch with, and it’s really not that big a deal Alice, honestly.”

“I’m not sure that Edward agrees with that,” Jasper murmurs. “There’s some painful emotional turmoil going on in his head.” He cocks his head to the side. “And here they come.”

I turn my back on Emmett’s grin and smile warily at Edward and Bella as they enter the room. Bella smiles at me but Edward’s eyes flick around the room and I know he is reading the situation out of everyone’s heads before he speaks.

“Alice,” he says reprovingly. “There’s more to this than dressing Renesmee up in something pretty.” He looks over at me. “It’s a date with a human…how safe do you think that is?”

“Safe enough,” I mutter. “He’s got a broken leg for goodness’ sake- I’m not as fast as you but I can probably outrun someone on crutches.”

Emmett and Jasper both laugh, and Edward whips his head around and glares at them. “It’s not a joke! Renesmee, you need to take this seriously!”

“What?” I ask in frustration. “I don’t understand your objections! What are you afraid I’m going to do…eat him or sleep with him?”

“Either! Both!” Edward runs his hands through his hair, rumpling it in his agitation.

“Well, I’m glad to know you have such a high opinion of my ability to control myself,” I say. I’m angry and mean to sound sarcastic, but the slight tremble in my voice and the tears in my eyes give away how much he’s hurt me.

“What’s going on?” Carlisle and Esme come into the room. They must have been out in the garden because they’re both wearing old clothes with grass stained knees and dirt on their hands. Carlisle’s brows furrow as he looks from Edward’s tense face to mine.

“Ren’s been asked out on a date,” Rosalie says blandly. “Edward doesn’t seem to approve.”

“And you do?” Edward scowls at her. “You’re usually the last one to advocate for any of us getting any closer to the humans than we have to!”

Rosalie examined a fingernail with a bored look. “Ren’s not really a vampire, so she’s not really one of us.”

Shocked beyond words I convulsively squeeze the milk bottle still in my hands until it shatters in my hands. “Shit!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Esme grabs the dustbuster and vacuums up the shards of glass on the chair while I collect the bigger pieces, taking my time throwing them in the kitchen trash so I have a moment to clear my head. _Not really one of us?_ Reluctantly I head back to the living room.

For a long moment no one says anything, and then I clear my throat and say softly to Edward and Bella. “I’d like to go to the dance. I’ve never been to one, and I think it might be fun. Will is nice, that’s all. I’m not going to kill him- you know I don’t have the thirst that you all do. And I’m not going to…do anything else either.”

Please. As if there was ever a better advertisement for abstinence than my parents…have sex, get pregnant with freak baby who nearly kills you during gestation, then be forced into vampirism to save your life. Yeah, that’s going to make me want to rush into a physical relationship.

“We know that,” Bella says in reply, her voice gentle. “But there’s more to it than that. You’re a lot stronger than a human you know, you could hurt him accidently.”

“That didn’t stop you and Dad. You became friends when you were a human.”

“Edward had been controlling himself a lot longer than you have,” Bella counters. “And in hindsight, that really wasn’t very smart of us.”

“What if you let something slip?” Edward adds. “What if he realises that you’re different? You know that the Volturi will not ignore any further transgressions from us. We’re trying to be reasonable here Renesmee, but we also have to be careful.”

“What if any of us slip up?” I say, hating the quiver in my voice that betrays my emotions. “What if any of us do something that makes people suspicious? Like, I don’t know…save someone from a van crushing them to death?”

Behind Edward, I can see Emmett giving me the thumbs up. Rosalie is flipping through a magazine, but there is a tiny smirk on her face and I think she probably likes me flinging Edward’s past in his face. The thing is though, I’m _not_ doing it to be petty, or to get a rise out of him…I’m doing it because it’s true that it could be any of us, at any time, who reveal our lives for the ruse they are.

“I go to school with humans all day,” I go on quietly. “I’m as careful as anyone in the family about secrecy. Don’t forget that I was there when the Volturi came. I touched Aro and felt his power…I know what the risks are! But I’m not a child who needs to be protected and guided and kept from any possible mistakes anymore. You’ve taught me well, and now it’s time you let me put it in to practise by doing what I think is right for me. And I _do_ think this will be fine. It’s just a dance, Will’s just a friend, and I’m sure I can handle it.”

I sit back in the armchair, folding my arms over my chest. I’ve said what I can and all I can do is hope that they heard me.

Edward and Bella look at each other for a long moment, and then Edward’s mouth quirks up in a smile and he shrugs.

“You’ve made your point, Ren. I won’t lie and say I’m in favour of your plan, but you’ve promised to be careful and that’s all that we can ask of you.” He hesitates and then adds sombrely. “Be careful though. Not just careful of your strength and mindful of the secrecy needed but please be careful with your heart, baby. Another reason that we don’t get too involved in the human world is that humans grow and change and die, and we don’t. Immortality is a long time to grieve a friend, or a family…” His voice fades away.

I nod. I can see that what he’s said has touched the others too. Apart from my mother they all had families and friends in their human lives once upon a time and for years they have all been gone. In the end it is why _this_ family matters to them, this family of choice they have created and protected and fought for…because it is in their shared immortality that they have found the antidote to loneliness and endless loss.


	13. Not Quite Real

Alice breaks the silence with a gleeful squeal and a clap of her hands. “Ren’s going to wear a _dress_!” she crows in delight. “Finally I get to dress you up!” Grabbing my hand and she pulls me along with her. “Come on, I want to show you some things.”

Alice takes me to the separate studio she had built for her budding clothing design business. For once she has decided to take her flair and skill for design and dress someone other than Rosalie and (for all we’re wretchedly ungrateful and break her heart on a regular basis with our lack of fashion sense) Bella and I. At the moment she’s designing and making pieces that she’s selling through her internet site- seeing what works and what doesn’t while she tries to decide which direction she wants to go in.

Apparently what ‘works’ is a giant mess. I haven’t been in here before and I’m astounded how quickly she’s managed to turn it in to such a chaotic lunarscape of fabric and notions and machines and clothing racks and ironing boards and drafting tables and dress forms and…I don’t even _know_ what half of this stuff is. “Wow,” I say, impressed. “And to think I always thought you were neat.”

Alice waves her hand dismissively. “Creative chaos,” she says airily. “It’s all coming together. Now, my sweet little cupcake…what to wear, what to wear?”

I look around apprehensively. “You can’t just buy a dress? Or lend me one of yours?”

Alice looks horrified. “Absolutely not! For one thing, it may have escaped your notice, but you’re just about as tall as Rosalie these days and while you might not have her bountiful assets you’ve certainly got more in the bust department than I have! Completely different colouring and body type- you need something that I’m going to make just for _you._ Besides,” she adds practically. “I would like to make some money eventually. If you, who must be the prettiest girl at school, go to this Homecoming dance looking beautiful then people will ask where you got your dress and you can tell them it was from Alice Cullen. Hanging my clothes on you will be better than taking out an ad.”

“Okay then,” I say with a sigh.

“Just think of it like underwear,” Alice tells me, whisking around and holding up bolts of fabric against me at a dizzying pace. “You wear such fancy under things Ren, and I _know_ you like it…just pretend I’m making you underwear.”

I giggle, and then my amusement fades as I think of Rosalie, the person who instilled my enjoyment of beautiful underwear in me. “Is Rosalie angry with me?” I ask hesitantly. “Do you know anything?”

“Green,” Alice says decisively. “With your hair and skin and eyes, green is going to look lovely.” She vanishes behind a precariously arranged tower of fabrics and reappears a moment later with armfuls of green lace in various shades which she drapes over my shoulders. She stands back a step, her mouth pursed in contemplation.

“Alice?” I persist. “Do you know anything about why Rosalie might be angry with me?”

Alice starts refolding the lace and sighs. “I don’t think she’s angry with you,” she says slowly. “I think she’s just a little jealous of you.”

“Alice.” Jasper steps through the door, and his voice holds a warning. “It’s not your business, darlin’.”

I slump down into what I think must be an armchair buried under piles of fabric and look up at Jasper mournfully. “I just want to know what I did wrong. I know what Rosalie can be like…but she’s never like that with _me_.”

“Oh Ren!” Alice impulsively flings down the lace and wraps her arms around me. “Sweetie, it’s really not about you personally. Rosalie loves you, you know that! But it’s hard for her to see you playing human so well when it’s something she can’t do, and she’s frightened of what might happen if you get too involved in that world.”

“Because of what happened when Dad met Mom,” I say flatly. “You’re all paranoid I’m going to fall in love with someone and tell them all the secrets and bring the Volturi down on us all again. I’m going to spend eternity making up for their choices back then, aren’t I?”

Jasper grins wryly. “Well, it wasn’t exactly the high point of the family history Ren. It did bring us you, but it was a hard road there.”

I giggle unwillingly and Alice squeezes me tighter in her arms. “Please don’t worry about Rosalie,” she says coaxingly. “She loves you so much Ren, and she wants you to be happy.”

I sigh. “I hate that because mom and dad made such a disaster of things when they first got together everyone seems to expect that I will too. None of the rest of you did anything like they did!”

“Jasper was a vampire when I met him,” Alice points out.

“Emmett was human when Rosalie found him,” I argue. “And what about Carlisle? He met Esme when she was human and nothing terrible happened! He met her then left her alone to continue her human life without any drama. It was only circumstances changing that brought her back to him and led to him changing her.”

Jasper laughs. “I promise you Ren, if you find someone being mauled by a bear and bring him home to Carlisle to change him, no one will give you a hard time.” He smiles at me affectionately before his voice turns thoughtful and he continues. “You’re right about Carlisle and Esme too. Of course it’s possible for us to interact with the human world without chaos and danger ensuing. We wouldn’t live this way if it weren’t; but that doesn’t mean that things don’t go wrong sometimes. It’s an unfortunate reality that when they do they seem to go _very_ wrong. People die, Ren. If we overestimate our abilities to handle situations, if we are careless and arrogant with what we can do, if we break the rules and bring down the wrath of the Volturi the consequences can be dire. The stakes are high, and we have seen the evidence of failure too many times to not tread lightly.”

I know he is right. I remember when the Volturi came, I remember all our friends gathered to witness and know that all of them believed that they were facing death. I know the story of James and Victoria and what they wanted to do to Bella and Edward and what the rest of the family went through to protect them. I know that Jasper’s first experience of school as part of the Cullen family ended when he killed another student. I know about what happened when Jasper and Emmett killed someone and fought when they were at Woodstock. I do know all that, and I think I understand their hesitations.

At the same time, it is not arrogance when I say I am different because I _am_. It’s true that my physical attributes are closer to vampire than human, but my feelings and emotions…how can they judge? Apart from my mother, they have all outlived a normal human lifespan and have been vampires far longer than they were ever human. They tell me that the human memories fade, even Bella admits that she sometimes finds it difficult to remember being awkward and clumsy and mortal. And Bella _wanted_ vampirism, she had the choice that none of the others did and she was desperate to move away from her human life, so is it any wonder that she doesn’t really understand how powerfully humanity draws me?

_Jacob would understand._

My heart aches with the feeling of emptiness his absence has brought with it. I wish he was here to talk to about this. Jake would understand in a way that my vampire family can’t, because like me he blends both the human and the supernatural and can live in both worlds. Maybe he would be able to help me find a way to hold on to both and not hurt anyone, not least myself.

I forget that I’m next to Jasper, who feels the emptiness and grief like it’s something physical, until he wraps an arm around both Alice and I and draws us to him. His golden eyes look in to my brown ones sorrowfully.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I just think of him, and he would understand this and…” I can’t go on.

Alice kisses my forehead. “Sweetie, I think going to a dance and letting your human side lead for a little while is the best thing you can do right now.”

“I would fix your pain if I could,” Jasper says softly. “But I can’t seem to make it work on you when you think of him.”

I shrug, and resolutely force my thoughts away. “That’s okay. I’m okay, really I am.” I make myself smile at Alice. “Now, about this dress….”

Alice grins and jumps to her feet. “Next week, right? I’ll do some sketches tonight and show you tomorrow. It’s going to be beautiful Ren, you’re going to be the belle of the ball my little cupcake!”

I roll my eyes and with a wave and a smile I head back towards the house, going in search of Rosalie. She’s nowhere in the house so I head outside to the garage which has always been her space. Sure enough she’s there, although she’s not working on anything, just sitting in her Lexus staring ahead of her, with her face blank.

“Hey,” I say hesitantly. “Mind if I join you?”

“Go ahead,” Rosalie indicates the seat beside her, and I slide in and relax against the comfortable leather. “Want to go for a ride?” she asks after a long silence.

“Sure,” I say.

Rosalie clicks the remote door opener and reverses out, and seconds later we’re flying down the driveway, the wind whipping my hair across my face and bringing tears to my eyes. It’s even faster once we hit the road. Rosalie drives like a maniac, eyes glowing with exhilaration, her own hair tangling into a wild golden cloud about her head as we almost fly along the forest roads. Eventually we come to a town and Rosalie reluctantly slows, turning to me with a half-smile. “Are you hungry?”

I shrug. “I could eat,” I say. “But I don’t have any money with me.”

Rosalie pulls into a gas station and get out to pump the gas. “I’ve got my card.” She seems oblivious to the stares of every other patron as she stands there in her tight jeans and figure hugging t-shirt. “Go in and find something, I’ll come in and pay in a moment.”

I take some milk and chocolate and then meet Rosalie at the counter, watching as she scrawls her name on the receipt and then following her out to the car.

“Do you get tired of people looking at you all the time?” I ask suddenly. “The way all those people were looking at you back there, like you’re something not quite real?”

Rosalie’s eyes are on the road ahead, and her face looks oddly blank. “I _am_ something not quite real, Ren. A vampire who’s not a vampire, a human who is not human…sometimes it feels as though nothing I am is real.”

I bite my lip. _Oh Rosalie._ For all her outward arrogance and beauty and confidence, there is a streak of self-loathing that runs deep inside her and it pains all of us who love her to see the way she hurts sometimes. And I do love Rosalie.

In truth she has been as much a mother figure to me in my life as Bella has been. Rosalie was the first person to cradle me close in loving arms, the first person who gave me kisses and crooned sweet baby nothings into my ears as she touched my hands and fed me and loved me. From the first moment she took my bloodied newborn body in her arms she has always been there for me with all the love and protection her fierce and fiery heart holds.

My mother loves me, but for the first three days of my life she was absent as her human body transformed into her vampire body, and after that she had a lot of adjustments to make as she got comfortable with her new self. Not to mention that she and Edward had to develop a whole new relationship with both of them then vampires, and then Mom had college…I never lacked for her attention and love, but there were times when she wasn’t there and Rosalie always stepped into the breach. I have been so lucky to have my mother and father, and then such a wonderful extended family to love and care for me. I love all my vampire family and I’m close to everyone, but there has always been something extra when it comes to Rosalie, and it makes my heart hurt to think that I’ve done something that, however inadvertently, has caused her pain.

Impulsively I reach across and touch my fingertips to her cheek. _I love you, Rosalie. You’ve meant so much to me all my life, you’re amazing…you know that right?_ I send her memories too, flicking faster and faster as I show her images of her as I’ve always seen her, strong and fierce and beautiful and admirable, her eyes and heart soft and open with loving.

Rosalie’s hand reaches up and holds mine against her cheek for a moment, and then she sighs and smiles at me. “Thank you.”

“I mean it,” I say softly. “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, not if I could help it.”

“I know,” Rosalie taps the wheel thoughtfully. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit cold the last couple of days. It’s starting at a new school, and seeing you fit in so seamlessly…it makes me more aware, again, of what I’m not and can never be.” She wrinkles her nose in embarrassment. “I know that jealousy is one of my failings! You’d think after so many years I’d have a better handle on it, but it seems not!”

I laugh. “I don’t think you have much to be jealous about.”

Rosalie shrugs. “You’re a whole lot more human than I’ll ever be, even if I wanted to try. There are a whole lot of things that you can do and experience that we full vampires can’t and you going to school has just brought all that to the fore. I just have to adjust, and you know change isn’t my favourite thing!” She smiles wryly. “Besides, it’s not just that…you were our baby Ren, and now you’re really growing up! It’s not so simple to go from thinking of you as someone I need to take care of to seeing you as my equal.”

“I don’t think you’re the only one having trouble with that,” I say with a grimace. “Edward is behaving like some Victorian era father over me wanting to go to Homecoming!”

“Edward _is_ almost a Victorian era father!” Rosalie laughs. “I can’t believe I’m saying this Ren, but you’re going to have to cut him some slack on that. Edward’s attitudes were formed a long time ago, and it’s not as easy to change them as you might think.” She grins at me in amusement. “You’re pushing him hard at the moment. You’re playing human for the first time really, with school, making friends, and now you’re bringing boys into the mix…he’s not really prepared for it!” She laughs gently. “Edward is not exactly a modern thinker in many ways, but he’ll come around. You should have heard some of the things he used to say about my clothes! But he learned, and he hasn’t said a thing in decades.”

I laugh. “So my ‘bite me’ t-shirt isn’t the first thing to offend him?”

“Oh no!” Rosalie snorts. “Consider that I had to introduce him to the idea that women could wear trousers, Renesmee!”

“I didn’t think of that!” I giggle, and then sober up. “I don’t think he understands that wanting to go to Homecoming with Will isn’t some declaration of epic love like it was with him and Mom,” I add hesitantly. I look down at my hands. “Is that a bad thing? I don’t _want_ an epic love…I just want to go to a dance with this guy who seems okay!”

 “Oh Ren,” Rosalie takes my hands and holds it in hers. “It’s not a bad thing at all! Epic love has its place,” and she smiles, no doubt thinking of Emmett, “But you’ve got forever…I think going to a dance and having some fun with a boy you think is okay is just what you need to do while you’re exploring this human world of yours. Come on, let’s go home.”

 


	14. Normal Enough

When I wake the next morning the cloud cover has lifted and the sun is shining bright on my face and I lie back on my pillows for a few minutes, enjoying the warmth. I get dressed and go into the kitchen, then stroll into the living room while I drink my milk. Emmett and Jasper are playing chess again and Esme is reading by the window. Rosalie, Bella and Edward are nowhere in sight. No one appears to be ready for school.

“Hello?” I say. “School, remember?”

“Sunshine,” Emmett grunts at me. “Can’t go out in that, remember?”

“I can,” I say flatly. “I want to go.”

“It’ll look too weird if four of us are absent but you turn up,” Emmett says unsympathetically. “Just kick back for the day…you wanted to be normal, didn’t you? Cutting is totally normal…relax.”

I grit my teeth. “Esme, will you give me a ride to school please?”

Esme looks up doubtfully. “Emmett does have a point. It might look a little odd if you’re the only Cullen there, Ren.”

“I’ll just say they’re all sick or something,” I say. “Please…it’s not fair if I have to stay home.” I look at Esme pleadingly.

Esme smiles and rises gracefully to her feet. “Okay then, I’ll drive you. Do you have your things?”

“I’ll just get them!” I grab my bag and violin from my room, shout a general goodbye and go out to the garage, where Esme is waiting for me in the Mercedes.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying school enough that you don’t want to miss a day,” she says to me cheerfully as we drive. “Although is it school, or a certain boy who asked you to the Homecoming dance?”

I click my tongue in exasperation. “You are a hopeless romantic Esme!” I look at her affectionately. “I don’t think there’s the least chance that Will is going to become part of the family though! I hardly know him, but he seems nice and I think going to a dance will be fun. It will be, right?” I say, suddenly uncertain.

Esme laughs. “Oh, you’ll have a lovely time! I’m just teasing you sweetheart, because I think it’s wonderful to see you happy and enjoying life here. I’m glad it’s working out so well.” We talk about inconsequential things until we’re pulling into the school parking lot, and then Esme waves me off with a smile. “If you leave a message for Carlisle at the hospital he’ll be able to bring you home from school!” she calls after me.

I nod, and take out my phone to message Carlisle. I’m just finishing up when my ears catch the distinctive sound of crutches and feet, and I look up and watch Will swing across the parking lot towards me.

“Hi Ren,” he says with a grin.

“Hi,” I say. We both turn and head in towards the building, me holding the doors open for Will to enter ahead of me. He pauses at my locker and there’s a slightly awkward pause before I say in a rush, “I sorted it out at home and I can go with you to Homecoming.”

Will’s face flushes pink and his smile is wide and genuine. “Hey, that’s great! Really.”

I can’t help smiling back. No, this isn’t some crazy epic love story…but there’s a warm feeling in my belly because this boy likes me enough to ask me to a dance and look so genuinely pleased that I’ve said yes.

“A bunch of us are going to the game first,” he says to me. “Did you want to come to that?”

“You can come to my place to get changed after that,” Sarah contributes, moving seamlessly into the conversation. “Bailey’s probably coming over too, we can get ready together. It’s going to be awesome.”

“Oh,” I hesitate. “I’d like to come, I really would, but Alice will kill me if she can’t play dress ups with me before this dance.”

“Who’s Alice?” Sarah asks.

“She’s sort of an aunt,” I say vaguely. “She’s making me a dress- I promised her.” Keen to change the subject away from my complex family relationships I take my phone and find Alice’s website and show Sarah. “She designs clothes…these are her things.”

“Wow, these are amazing!” Sarah sounds envious. “Which one are you buying for the dance?”

“She’s making me something new,” I take back the phone and say tentatively, “You and Bailey could come over to my house before the dance. Only if you wanted to…someone would pick us up from the game.”

 _Well, I hope they will._ In all honesty I have no idea how my family will react to human guests in our house- it has always been a rare occurrence and limited basically to my grandfather Charlie and Jacob’s pack…and ‘human’ as a description there is certainly up for debate.

Clearly my offer is nothing out of the ordinary though, because Sarah just nods and says casually, “Great, that’ll work. You live out of town right? Are any of your brothers and sisters going? Will someone give us a ride to the dance? God, I can’t wait until I can drive!”

“Someone will give us a ride,” I say, “I don’t think they’re going, but someone will drive us. Alice will be so happy I’m letting her put me in a dress she’ll probably drive me anywhere.” I glance a little shyly at Will. “Is that okay? I’ll come get you?”

He smiles at me, his eyes crinkling. “Sure. My mom or one of my brothers will drive you home after, so don’t worry about that.” He takes my phone and taps it. “Here’s my number, just in case anything comes up…text me and then I’ll have yours.” He hands it back and then waves and swings away on his crutches.

“Oh, he is SO into you!” Sarah exclaims with a laugh. “I’ve never seen Will act like this before.”

“Really?” I’m a little uneasy. I don’t want him thinking there is more to this than there is.

Bailey joins our group with a little giggle. “Really. It’s cute though Ren!” She shoves her books into her locker, struggling to fit everything around her violin case. “Let’s go change for gym.”

I reluctantly take my gym bag and follow them to the gym locker room. I’ve been dreading this, half scared to play with humans in case I hurt them, not sure how to damp down the athletic skill and grace and strength that my vampire half gives me.

“Where are the rest of your family?” Bailey asks, looking around. Bella and Edward are supposed to be in this class.

“They’re sick,” I say.

“All of them?”

“Um…yes.” I realise what Emmett meant when he told me it would seem weird for one of us to be at school when the others are not. “They all have a…condition,” I add slowly. “It’s a blood thing. Really rare. They need treatment periodically, and it takes a while so they have to miss school.” I braid my hair so I don’t have to look at them.

 “Wow, that’s crazy. Your family is so weird,” Sarah says. “You don’t have it?”

“Recessive genes,” I say, fighting back a sudden urge to laugh hysterically. “It’s how we came to be adopted by Carlisle and Esme…he’s an expert in this thing, so he knew how to take care of them all.”

The gym class takes place outside and we’re playing soccer. I have to really watch myself, since it’s far too easy to unconsciously speed up to supernatural levels and if I were to bump into someone the same way I can body check my family it would be a question of _how many_ rather than _if_ I broke their bones. I’m so used to being the smallest, slowest and weakest when playing with my family and Jacob that I’ve never had to hold back at all and I find it more difficult than I would have anticipated.

“Ren, that was great!” the coach shouts to me at the end of the field. She jogs over with a grin. “Have you ever considered joining a team? We’re always open to new players on the girls’ teams.”

I smile back. “I don’t think so.”

She shakes her head. “Well, you should consider it! You’ve got real skill, and I think you’d learn a lot. Being on a team is a great experience. Just give it some thought, maybe talk to your parents…”

“Okay,” I say, although I know it’s pointless.

There’s a certain freedom in not having my family at school. The sunshine helps, as it lifts most of the students’ moods and we even take our lunch outside into the courtyard to eat in the bright warmth. But I find myself laughing and relaxing a little more, knowing that there is no one there with curious and supernatural eyes and ears keeping watch over my every move. In fact I’m so relaxed that when Bailey makes me laugh and then mentions practising together while we’re in orchestra I suggest we do it right after school.

“That would be great,” she says, sounding relieved. “I’m really having trouble with a piece I’m working on and I’d love to do something on it with you.” She bites her lip before saying hesitantly, “Would it be okay if we went to your house? I know the others are having their treatments or whatever, so I understand if it’s not, but my house won’t work.”

“Oh,” I’m a little taken aback at the thought, and then I shrug. “That should be fine.”

“You’re sure?” Bailey seems anxious. “I don’t want to just invite myself…”

“No, no, it’s fine, really!” I reassure her, hiding my own misgivings. The others should be fine, but I should at least warn them… I grab my phone and discreetly tap out a message. _Bringing a friend home. Please act normal! Please!!!! Xxx_ Hopefully that will do the trick.

“Thank you,” Bailey says, relieved. “My grandmother lives with us, and she’s a little…difficult.” She is blushing, and I try and smile reassuringly.

“My family can be difficult too.” _You don’t know the half of it!_ My phone buzzes and I check my messages- one is a photo from Emmett of his own bloody hand holding up a dead deer and the message below it reads _Normal enough?_ I grit my teeth, but there is also a message from Rosalie that reassures me. _Sorry. He’ll behave._ “But it’s fine- they’re expecting you now.”

Indeed, Carlisle is waiting in the parking lot when Bailey and I walk out after orchestra, sitting in his Jaguar with the darkly tinted windows up against the sun. I open the door and slide in to the back seat, Bailey slipping in after me.

“This is Bailey,” I say. “Bailey, this is Carlisle…my dad.”

Carlisle smiles over his shoulder at us. “It’s nice to meet you Bailey.”

Bailey smiles shyly. “You too Dr Cullen.”

I reach over the seat and touch Carlisle briefly, silently telling him the story I’ve started about the rare medical condition my family suffers from. Carlisle’s lip quirks into a smile as his eyes meet mine in the rear view mirror. “Interesting,” he murmurs. “How was school?” he goes on in a louder voice, and we fill up the drive home with casual conversation.

In the garage Bailey climbs out of the car with her eyes wide. It’s so familiar to me that it takes me a moment to realise that she’s shocked by the opulence of the cars parked in there- Edward’s Mercedes, Emmett’s Jeep, Rosalie’s Lexus, Alice’s Porsche – now being joined by Carlisle’s Jaguar. Apart from Emmett’s Jeep, which still bears the scars from our drive here to Oregon, they are all the newest models and gleam with an air of luxury and expense.

“They like cars,” I say lamely. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

Esme greets us in the kitchen, complete with a beaming smile and the smell of baking hanging in the air. “Hello sweetie, hello Bailey.”

“This is Esme,” I tell Bailey. “My mom.” It still feels funny to say that.

Bailey is so intimidated by the cars and the huge house and now Esme that she’s barely audible as she murmurs hello. I look imploringly at Esme, who nods reassuringly at me and passes across a plate of my favourite peanut butter and m&m cookies.

“I’ve baked you cookies,” she says cheerfully. “What would you like to drink? Milk, Ren? And Bailey, we have milk or juice or soda or…”

“Juice is fine, thank you,” Bailey mumbles.

Esme hands over glasses and then diplomatically withdraws, and Bailey and I eat and drink in silence. When she’s done, Bailey grins at me. “Your house is really something,” she says, seemingly more relaxed now that we’re alone.

“Esme’s fixing it up,” I tell her. “Well, she makes all of us help- the kitchen and my room is finished, but a lot of the rest of it is a mess. I’ll show you the rest if you want.”

“Where are the rest of your family?” Bailey looks around warily.

“Somewhere about,” I say. In truth I can hear most of them; Carlisle and Esme are talking quietly in their room, Jasper and Emmett are playing Warhammer in the study and Rosalie is in there with them, tapping away on her laptop. Probably working on another computer virus- it’s one of her favourite hobbies. Edward and Bella are upstairs, and…nope, not listening to _that_. None of these are sounds that would be audible to human ears though, so I shrug my shoulders at Bailey. “They’ll probably turn up.”

“They’re a bit…intimidating,” Bailey says awkwardly, following me to my room where I drop my tote at the end of the bed. “Your family I mean.”

“A lot of people think that,” I say. The human reaction to vampires is something I still don’t fully comprehend. All that lethal strength and hypnotic beauty and grace has surrounded me since the day I was born and formed the basis for my worldview of _ordinary._ They might be the most perfect predators on earth and mystical creatures of the supernatural world…but they’re still just my family. “Don’t be shy though. I know that they come across as kind of weird, but they’re really not that bad!” I giggle, and take my violin out of the case. “Let’s have a look at this.”

Practice goes well, I think. It’s interesting for me to see the human process of learning a new piece and playing it- I gain a new respect for human musicians as I realise how much my vampire half contributes to my musical skill. When we’ve finished playing we sit on my bed and talk. I have to be so careful with what I say, there are so many half-truths and omissions as I tell her about my life and listen to her stories, but at the same time I feel such a warm glow at the idea that this human is becoming my friend. _I can do this, I’m normal enough…I can belong in that world if I want to._

 


	15. Looking Forward

Sooner than I had expected I find myself completely immersed in my new life at school, caught up in all the day to day small drama. It’s a rapid learning curve, as I navigate through classes and lunch periods and homework, learning to tell the difference between gossip and truth and understand the sometimes bewildering complexities of being a teenager.

Everyone at school is excited about Homecoming. In what feels like coordinating a battle plan Emmett and Jasper decide they’ll go to the game and then bring Bailey, Sarah and I home to change for the dance. Alice, who is gleeful at the prospect of dressing me up, will give us a ride to the dance.

No one else from the family is planning on going to the dance. I overhear a heated argument about it between Edward and Rosalie one night when they think I’m asleep, because Edward wants to go and keep an eye on me and Rosalie is adamant that he should just stay away.

“She’s still a child, Rosalie! And not _your_ child either… you don’t get to make the rules for her!”

I bite my lip. I hate that he will use her love for me as something to hurt her with! Alone in my bed I press my hands together and keep listening.

“She’s no more a child than any of us are,” Rosalie says wearily. “Not really. Yes, she’s naïve and innocent and she has a lot to learn, but she’s not going to learn it with you hanging over her shoulder and trying to control her every moment. It’s a supervised school dance she’s going to with a human with a broken leg…”

“I’ve read his mind!” Edward sounds agitated. “I know what he’s thinking about when he looks at her!”

“Well, don’t!” Rosalie sounds angry now. “Unless he wants to hurt her – _really_ hurt her, not just do something you don’t want him to! – just leave them be! He’s a teenage boy and Ren’s beautiful, of course he wants to have sex with her. That doesn’t mean he’s going to try anything, or that Ren would let him even if he did!”

 _Oh, I love you Rosalie!_ I grin in the darkness, so glad that she’s here to have my back.

“Please Bella, try and talk some sense into him,” Rosalie says in exasperation. “You were human not that long ago, and your father didn’t follow you around… I think that the least Edward could do is offer Ren the same courtesy.”

“Charlie might have if he thought he could get away with it,” Bella sounds relaxed and amused. “But Rose is right Edward, you need to let go a little. Renesmee is smart and sensible…let her be a girl for a while.”

“I wish I knew where her head was!” Edward says in frustration. “Sending Jacob away… god knows I had issues with him and you’d think I’d be delighted to finally be rid of him, but it bothers me! Why did she? What is she looking to get out all this? When was the last time she hunted? She eats human food all the time now, she’s spending so much time with her human friends and in her room online, she rarely uses her gift… It’s like she’s rejecting everything she is in favour of being human.”

Is that really what he thinks I’m doing? I frown, perplexed. _Is_ that what I’m doing?

“She’s being a teenager!” Rosalie scoffs.

“What would you know about it?” Edward snaps back, and I wince at the aggression between them.

“Edward,” Esme’s gentle voice interrupts and I shake my head. Are they _all_ in there discussing me? “Calm down. I understand that you’re feeling concerned, but Rosalie is right…Ren _is_ just being a teenager. She’s having some growing pains, that’s all, and it’s not unusual. Think about your own life- remember that you left Carlisle and I and lived alone to try your independence and evaluate your life. Trying new things and ways of being is part of growing up, and Ren’s just doing something like that.”

“Keep in mind that she’s both human and vampire,” Carlisle adds. “She may feel equally at home in the human world as here with us. I know that her refusal to hunt at the moment seems like a rejection of her vampirism but that doesn’t mean it’s a rejection of you, Edward.”

“I think we just need to give her a bit of time and space to see what she wants,” Rosalie says flatly. “And you need to trust her Edward, trust her to make good decisions because she’s entirely capable of it. And you should probably start with this damn dance…just let her go with her friends and stay out of it!”

Edwards snarls at her, but the conversation is dropped and I lie back in bed staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling for a long time afterwards.

The Homecoming game is the first high school football game I’ve ever been too and it’s terrible. Our school doesn’t win, they’re barely even competitive and it’s quite embarrassing. Up in the stands with Bailey and Sarah and Will and his friends I don’t even care though, because I’m having so much fun talking and laughing with them. They all tease me about my deprived existence of never going to high school games before, and I just smile and keep quiet about the Superbowls and hockey games and world cup soccer and grand slam tennis matches that I’ve watched from prime seats with Emmett and Edward over the years.

“Who is that with your brother?” Sarah asks me, her eye for a good looking guy zeroing in on Jasper through the crowd. “He’s gorgeous.”

“That’s Jasper,” I say. “He’s sort of my uncle in a way- he’s married to Alice who made my dress.” Jasper is looking slightly strained in the crush of people, and I wave at him cheerfully from across the stands. I know how hard it is for him to be in a crowd like this, and the football is so pitiful that it’s not doing much to distract him from his thirst. “You’ll meet him later.”

“I can’t believe how big and scary all your brothers and uncles are,” Sarah giggles. “Poor Will when he has to go to your house!”

“They’re not that bad!” I defend them. “Although,” I add, “I think Will’s pretty glad that he doesn’t have to come and pick me up tonight!”

Will gamely follows us down to the parking lot after the game though, and says hi to Emmett and introduces himself to Jasper. He’s got the cast off now and has an orthopaedic boot instead, but he’s still using his crutches as extra support. I can’t help but notice the way he tries to stand as upright as possible when he’s standing beside Emmett and Jasper. Not that it matters- he’s barely taller than I am and is lucky to reach their shoulders. Emmett notices too, and smirks at me as he flexes slightly. I roll my eyes and Emmett laughs and holds open the rear door of the car, saying gallantly, “Ladies, your ride.”

Sarah and Bailey scramble in but I ignore him and turn to Will. “I’ve got your address,” I say, tapping my phone. “Are you okay to get home now?”

Will nods with a grin. “Yeah, I’m getting a ride with some of the guys. I’ll see you later then, yeah?” He opens his mouth to say something, then glances at Emmett and shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about him,” I say, narrowing my eyes at Emmett. “He’s just being obnoxious to tease me. We’ll be by your house later.” I give him a final smile and duck into the backseat, where Sarah and Bailey are giggling.

Emmett stops by the pizza place on the way home and throws some money at me. “Esme texted and said the others have eaten, so you and your friends better pick something up,” he tells me with a half laugh, half grimace on his face. I can’t help but laugh back and then run inside to order.

The three of us eat in the kitchen once we get home. Sarah is much less intimidated than Bailey was by our house (it probably helps that Emmett parks out front, rather than in the garage so she doesn’t see the automobile showroom we’ve got there) and is loud and excited at the prospect of the dance.

“I need to run an iron over my dress,” she declares, licking the last of the pizza sauce off her fingers. She goes and washes her hands at the sink and then bursts out laughing as she opens the fridge for more soda. “Oh my god, Ren…is the rest of your family as obsessed with drinking milk as you are? You must have more than ten gallons in here!”

Is that a lot? I’m the only one that drinks it and that will last me less than a week. The only reason we have the soda and juice at all is for my friends. It occurs to me that I don’t know how much regular humans drink- Jacob and his brothers used to be able to drink a gallon at a time, but they always told me they weren’t normal. I shrug at Sarah. “I’ll go and ask Esme about the iron.”  

“It’s in the laundry,” Alice tells me, appearing suddenly in the doorway with my dress hanging from her arm and a pair of impossibly high heels in her hand. “Here are you things, Ren. Hello Sarah and Bailey, I’m Alice.”

“My aunt,” I say, throwing Alice a quick glance. She grins as she flits into my room and lays the dress lovingly on my bed and then dances out into the kitchen.

“Sarah, I’ll iron your dress for you,” she offers, briskly pulling out the ironing board. “Bailey, do you want me to do yours?”

“You don’t have to,” Sarah says, but I wink at Alice and laugh.

“Let her- she lives for this kind of thing. If you let her do your hair too she’ll be your devoted friend forever.”

“Cheeky brat,” Alice says affectionately, ironing Sarah’s dress only a _little_ faster than a human would. “However girls, it is true that I do love styling people so if you should want a little bit of help with your hair I’m here!”

Sarah and Bailey fall in love with Alice as she fusses over their dresses and skilfully assists with their hair styles, and then go in to raptures when she drags out a suitcase sized cosmetics bag and starts making up their faces. I don’t even know why she has all that stuff- it’s not as though most of it can even be used on her perfect pale vampire skin!

I’m happy though, since having my friends over means I’m not the centre of Alice’s focus which suits me a lot better! I’m able to get dressed in the beautiful short, sleek green dress Alice has made for me and strap on the skyscraper heels without being bothered, and it’s only when I’m dressed that Alice surveys me with her hands on her hips.

“That dress is perfect, if I do say so myself,” she sighs contentedly. “Now time to accessorise you!”

I grimace, and Alice laughs and pats the dressing table seat that Sarah has just vacated. “Sit down Renesmee Cullen, and let me do what I do best!” She combs her fingers through my hair and gathers it up on my head, looking at me thoughtfully in the mirror. “I’ll do it up I think. Now, take off your wristband, it doesn’t go with the look of your dress at all…if you want to wear your crest necklace that will work, or something else…the choker perhaps. Rosalie has some earrings that I want you to wear, they’ll go beautifully with the dress…”

I can’t reach the jewellery box with Alice’s hands holding my head still by my hair, so Sarah takes my wristband from me and opens the box to put it in.

“Do I put it anywhere? Oh wow Ren, some of this stuff is beautiful…I love this!” Sarah and Bailey are pawing through my jewellery, lifting some things out and showing each other with exclamations and giggles. For a moment I’m embarrassed by the amount of wealth represented by the jewellery I’ve just got piled so casually in there, but as Sarah giggles and drapes a gold chain with a diamond teardrop pendant that must be worth close to half a million dollars around her neck I relax as I realise they don’t know that it’s all real.

“You’ve got some bling here Ren,” Bailey laughs. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d be the type for a lot of this. Pearls?”

I laugh back. “I’m not really, most of it was given as gifts. Apparently all girls need a string of pearls, or so I’m told!”

I feel Alice’s hands jerk sharply in my hair just before it happens and I raise my head in time to see Sarah opening the hidden compartment in my jewellery box and taking out the photo of wolf-Jacob and me. _Oh, don’t look at that!_

“Oh my god!” She laughs a little shakily and shows it to Bailey. “How real does that wolf look? I can’t believe you had the guts to sit up on it, Ren! How old were you here?”

I take the picture in hands that I’m fighting to hold steady and look at it. _Oh Jacob, I miss you._ The beautiful wolf…I can almost feel the thick, soft fur and the heat of that huge powerful body as I look at the photograph and remember.

“Ren was probably about four there,” Alice says, her voice deliberately light. “She was a very brave wee girl, and not the least bit afraid of wolves!” She puts the last pin in my hair and squeezes my shoulders lightly, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror. “Not the least bit afraid of anything, really. Run upstairs and ask Rosalie for the earrings now, she’ll know which ones.”

I nod wordlessly. For another moment I look at the picture of my wolf-Jacob and then carefully I slip it into the frame of the mirror. It doesn’t hurt to look at it now. I don’t have time to analyse the new feelings swirling in my heart and belly and head, but I know that I don’t want to hide this picture away.

Rosalie is in her room, and as I knock and stand awkwardly in the door she looks up from where she’s lying on her bed and smiles at me.

“Show me,” she says. “Properly! You’re beautiful Ren, stand up straight and look like you’re proud of yourself.” Her face softens. “You look gorgeous. Earrings, right?” She rises to her feet and hands me a pair of antique emerald drop earrings, which I slip into my ears. Rosalie hugs me for a minute, and then turns me around so that I’m facing the full length mirror. “Look,” she says softly. “You’re beautiful, and you’re going to have a wonderful time tonight.”

I meet her eye in the mirror and smile back. “I hope so. Thank you for taking up for me when Dad wanted to come along and ‘supervise’ me…I heard all that the other night.”

Rosalie rolls her eyes. “Oh, don’t worry about it! Edward needs a reality check every now and again!” Her eyes narrow at me, “I said you were mature and responsible and could make good choices…don’t make a liar out of me please, Renesmee!”

“I won’t,” I promise. I look back at myself in the mirror. I do look pretty. I’m as tall as Rosalie with these shoes on, and my legs look a million miles long. My skin is flushed with excitement and my eyes are big and gleaming. “I wish Jacob could see me tonight.”

I don’t even know where the words come from as I speak them and they hang heavy in the air. For a moment I bite my lip, and then Rosalie’s arms come around me from behind and she hugs me without speaking. _I wish you could see me tonight Jacob…I wish you were here to tell me I look pretty and see how grown up I look now._ But he’s not here, and I shake my head determinedly and force a smile at Rosalie.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say, and I’m glad to hear my voice sound steady and careless. “I’m going to leave now, we’ve got to collect Will on the way…thank you for lending me the earrings.” I twirl as I leave the room, leaving Rosalie laughing behind me as I head downstairs, pushing Jacob from my mind as I focus on the evening ahead.


	16. Homecoming

  Edward and Bella are at the bottom of the stairs as I descend and both of them are smiling, I’m glad to see.

“You look beautiful, baby,” Edward says, and his arms go round me in a hug.

I push him away anxiously, but Sarah and Bailey are still in my room with Alice and not a witness to that very fatherly of gestures. “Thank you,” I say instead.

“So grown up!” Bella adds wistfully, shaking her head. “You look like your father.” This might seem like an odd compliment, but I know for her there’s nothing in the world as beautiful as Edward and I take it for the praise it is.

From the living room Emmett whistles at me, and I roll my eyes as Jasper cuffs him lightly on the shoulder and grins at me. “You look like you’re glowing,” he says, with old school southern charm.

For all my squirming embarrassment I can’t help but smile back at them. I remember what Rosalie said, _stand up straight and look like you’re proud of yourself,_ and straighten my back and square my shoulders. “I’m starting to feel like I’m heading off on a dangerous mission,” I joke. “Anyone else need to inspect me to see if I pass muster?”

“Only us!” Esme laughs, gliding over and kissing me on the cheek, Carlisle behind her. “Forgive us Ren, it’s not every night our baby goes off to her first dance and we just have to bask in your loveliness for a moment!”

Carlisle winks at me. “Have a good time, Ren. Don’t break too many hearts!”

“Oh, you’re all impossible!” I laugh, “Honestly, you’d think it was my wedding or something! It’s just a school dance!” Shaking my head, I wave at them all and spin on my heel to return to my room.

Alice drives us in the Mercedes, fast and reckless.  In some ways she’s more of a maniac driver than Rosalie is because she trusts her visions to let her know of any approaching trouble. I hate to think what might happen if she’s ever wrong.

She pulls up in front of Will’s house and turns to me with a grin. “Okay then Ren, go and get him,” she says with a giggle. “I can’t wait to meet the boy who was brave enough to ask you out!”

Sarah and Bailey laugh too. “Will always stands as far away from Emmett and Edward as he can,” Bailey confides to Alice. “Poor guy just about wet himself when he had to go up to Emmett and Jasper at the game this afternoon.”

“Oh, he did not!” I exclaim, getting out of the car and clicking up the paved path to the front door. Not that I blame Will in the least for being nervous around my family, not when I am feeling suddenly tense and anxious at the thought of meeting his as I press the doorbell and listen to the chimes.

“I’ll get it!” I hear Will holler desperately from somewhere in a distant part of the house. “Steve, don’t talk to her….Mom, stop him!”

He sounds like me begging Rosalie to make Emmett behave. I bite back a smile as I hear taunting laughter and heavy footfalls and then the door swings open and I see Will’s brother. I know that’s who it has to be because, apart from the shaved head, he looks exactly like Will. He’s laughing as he opens the door but clearly something about me surprises him because as soon as he lays eyes on me he stops laughing abruptly and looks shocked.

“Hi,” I say, a little uncertainly. “I’m Ren. I’m here for Will.”

“Sure.” His brother coughs and clears his throat. “Um…I’m Steve.”

“Steve, bring the girl in!” There’s a scolding voice and then from around the door I see a woman with a kind smile and grey streaks in her brown hair. “Goodness, you’d think I never taught them any manners! Come in, Will’s just upstairs and he’ll be down in a moment. I’m Claire, Will’s mother.”

I step into the house, which feels like a hunting lodge with all the wood panelling and mounted animal heads everywhere. It would make anyone else in my family hungry, I think, smothering my laugh and smiling at Will’s mother who is leading me into the living room.

“Don’t you look lovely tonight!” Will’s mother smiles at me happily. “Danny, say hello to Ren!”

A newspaper is lowered and Will’s father eyes me over the top of it, his eyebrows rising slightly as he takes me in. “Good evening young lady,” he grunts before lifting the paper up and going back to his reading.

“How are you and your family settling in to town?” Claire asks chattily. “I’ve met your father up at the hospital a number of times of course- we were lucky to get someone with his skills and experience…”

It’s with relief that I hear the uneven thumps of Will making his way downstairs. His face is scarlet as he enters the living room and takes me in, but he smiles gamely.

“Hi Ren,” he says softly. “You look real nice.”

“Thank you,” I say shyly. Goodness, this is awkward in front of his family! “Are you ready then? Alice and the girls are outside.”

“Yeah…oh no, the flowers! Shit, hang on.”

“William!” his mother says reprovingly as Will limps as fast as he can on his booted foot out of the living room. “That’s no way to talk to your date!”

Will is back in a moment, holding a corsage of pink and white flowers which he fumblingly slips onto my wrist with a crooked smile and a deepening blush as his hands brush across mine.

“Thank you,” I say again, noticing with a sudden spark of unease the brief frown that flicks across his face as he takes in the temperature of my skin, which is several degrees warmer than his.

“Mom, no!” Will exclaims in exasperation as his mother pulls out a camera. “Look, we’ve got to go…”

“It’ll just take a minute!” his mother cries, pushing Will to stand beside me. “I’m sure Ren doesn’t mind. Now get that sulky look off your face William!” Will gives the most unconvincing smile I’ve ever seen and then I’m blinking as the camera flashes in our faces.

“Oh god,” Will groans under his breath. “Kill me now.” He takes my elbow and steers me firmly towards the front door. As we pass his brother Steve punches Will on the shoulder, causing him to tip hard into me.

“Have fun,” Steve says in a low voice. “Enjoy it while you can…you’re batting way out of your league Will.”

Will holds the front door open for me, his face scarlet as he looks at me in mortification. “I am _so_ sorry about my mother Ren. And my brother. And my father, because god knows what he said to you before I came down. And I also apologise for my other brother who you might meet later at the dance because I’m sure wherever he is he’s embarrassing me too…”

I can’t hold back the laughter this time, and as I giggle Will relaxes and laughs too. “They’re fine,” I say brightly. “Really, they were nice! Not any worse than my family would have been anyway!” Or still might be, I think, realising that in a house where no one ever sleeps Will bringing me home from the dance is going to be the highlight of the evening.

Well, the highlight of _their_ evening maybe. Not mine. I don’t know what my highlight would be in an evening that’s nothing but fun as I laugh and talk and dance with my friends. Even Will dances, clumsily endearing in his boot, his laughing eyes on mine.

I can tell that his leg hurts so I sit down with him for a while. He tells me about his mom, who is a nurse, and how excited she was that he was taking ‘the lovely Dr Cullen’s daughter’ to the dance, which makes me laugh. Carlisle is oblivious to the crushes of nurses and other doctors on him, but that doesn’t stop us teasing him about it. I meet Will’s other brother, Andy the senior, who comes over and introduces himself, despite Will fixedly ignoring him as he approaches. He seems nice enough, although when he bends close to Will, thinking I can’t hear, and says, “Dude, how did you get _her_ to go out with _you_? She’s hot!” I can’t help but make a face.

The last song of the evening is a slow song and as the opening notes play Will pulls himself to his feet and holds out his hand to me. “I think even I can manage this one with my bionic leg. Ren?”

I take his hand and follow him onto the dance floor, where he puts his arms around him. It feels awkward, I’m taller than he is in these shoes, and I’ve never been held like this by a human. Compared to my vampire father and brothers, who taught me to dance like this, he feels alarmingly soft and fragile.

“Wow, you’re really hot,” Will comments, and then blushes fiercely. “Temperature wise I mean! Not that you’re not hot in the other way, I don’t mean that either…I mean…damn, I should just shut up now, yeah?”

I laugh. “I have an abnormally high body temperature naturally.” I figure that’s not giving anything away, and I run a consistent 105 degrees- I can’t pretend that I’m normal. “It is quite stuffy in here though.”

“I’m really glad you came with me tonight,” Will says sincerely. “I’ve had a really good time.”

“Me too,” I say honestly. I can feel his hand on my back and then he pulls me closer to him, leans in and kisses me.

It’s…nice. His lips are soft and he tastes like fruit punch and smells like fresh boy sweat and deodorant. I can feel the slight scratch of stubble against my cheek and the way his fingers are spread wide across my back, his other hand moving up to curve around the back of my neck. It feels friendly and gentle and… _he’s not Jacob._

I try and ignore the little voice in my head. Of course he isn’t Jacob, I haven’t ever kissed Jacob and I don’t want to kiss Jacob… The music stops and I pull away from him, not sure where to look.

Will’s hand slides from my neck down across my shoulder and arm until he can take my hand. “Come on,” he says. “We’ll have to try and get outside and find my mom.”

I wave goodbye to Sarah and Bailey, who try to act cool until their laughter bursts out and they start making kissing faces at me when Will’s not looking. I roll my eyes and stick my tongue out at them, and then keep pace with Will’s uneven limp as he heads towards the exit with the rest of the crowd. His mother has parked her truck in a no parking zone, and Will tugs me over in that direction.

“Did you have a nice evening?” she asks, pushing open the door.

I climb up in to the truck, realising that Will is probably getting an eyeful of black silk knickers as I do so but not able to do anything about it. “It was lovely, thank you,” I say, as Will hauls himself awkwardly up behind me.

“Yeah, it was great.” I can tell by Will’s smirk and the way his eyes slide sideways to me that he certainly did get a good look at my underwear. His hand takes mine again and he squeezes my fingers.

I direct Will’s mother on the drive to our house, thinking how much more convenient it will be once I can get a license and drive myself. She talks nonstop as we drive, and Will sits silently beside me, our fingers linked and his thigh pressed alongside mine.

“You’re certainly out in the middle of nowhere, aren’t you?” Will’s mother comments, peering through the windscreen as she drives slowly along our heavily wooded driveway. I can’t believe how slowly she’s going- I’m used to Rosalie treating the driveway like her own personal Formula 1 track when she drives us home from school.

“Carlisle and Esme like their privacy,” I murmur, as the house at last appears ahead of us, most of the window blazing with lights.

“Looks like they all stayed up to see you home,” Will comments, a little nervously.

“Oh, they _would_ ,” I mutter disparagingly, then smile politely at Will’s mother. “Thank you for the ride home.”

“Oh, you’re welcome dear. Say hello to your dad from me!”

Will climbs down from the truck and walks with me up to the front door, even though I can tell from his more awkward limping shuffle that his leg is really hurting him now. “Thank you for coming with me tonight,” he says at the door, pushing his hair out of his eyes and smiling at me. “I had a really good time.”

“Me too,” I say. “Thank you as well.” I hesitate for a moment, mentally shouting _go away Edward!_ and then lean forward and kiss him again, briefly, on the lips. “I’ll see you at school on Monday,” I say, a little breathlessly, and then open the door and step back inside.

Will nods and then drags his sore leg back to the truck. I feel sorry for him- I could lift him up and carry him back to the truck without effort, but I don’t think it’s really a good idea. With a sigh, I go inside and close the door behind me.

Edward and Bella are sitting on the staircase, Bella trying not to laugh and Edward scowling.

“You shouldn’t have been listening to his thoughts,” I said sternly. “It’s rude and unnecessary.”

“You had fun then?” Bella says, coming over and giving me a hug.

I hug her back and rest my head on her shoulder for a minute. “It was really fun.”

I sit down beside Edward on the step and unstrap the shoes, flexing my feet as I pull them off. “I had a good time,” I tell him quietly. “And nothing happened.”

He nods and lays an arm across my shoulder. “I’m glad baby. It’s not that we don’t want you to have fun, it’s just…”

“I know, I know,” I sigh. “But it’s fine Daddy, it really is.” Standing up, I grin at him and Mom. “I’m going to go and have a shower and go to bed. You can stop worrying that I’m off massacring the town or sleeping with the football team or whatever it is you think I’m getting up to!” Laughing, I run down to the bathroom and slam the door.

After my shower I sit on my bed, wearing a pair of knickers and a Nirvana t-shirt I ‘borrowed’ from Emmett a year ago, scribbling about the night’s events in my journal. My writing slows as I approach the subject of the kiss.

_He kissed me at the end of the dance. It should have been the perfect moment. The lighting was dim, the music was romantic, he was holding me close while we danced, and I do think he’s nice so I kissed him back. But somehow, it just wasn’t the way I always thought my first kiss would be._

_It wasn’t Jacob._

_It felt like it should have been._

_I don’t understand it! I have never kissed Jacob, I’ve never even thought about it! At least, not the way I thought about it tonight. When people talked about Jacob and I together in the future I knew there were certain things that would go along with that relationship, but I didn’t think about it. Didn’t want to think about it. But tonight, with Will’s lips on mine and Will’s human arms around me, all I could think about was that it should have been Jacob. Jacob’s heat and strength and mouth and… I wanted him._

_Hell. What is wrong with me now?_


	17. The Black Sheep

Despite the late hour I don’t feel like sleeping after that. I leave my journal on the bed and grab the earrings I borrowed from Rosalie and head upstairs. I can hear Emmett playing his guitar in their room and Rosalie’s low voice, so I knock gently and then step in.

“Hi Ren, how was the dance?” Rosalie asks, sitting up on the bed with her own journal on her knees.

“I bought your earrings back,” I say, crossing the room and placing them in their spot in her jewellery box. “And the dance was good. I had fun.” I jump across the room and bounce on to the bed beside Rosalie.

“We heard you at the front door…” Emmett shuts his mouth abruptly as Rosalie glares at him. He winks at me and says sincerely, “Glad you had a good time, Monster.” He goes back to playing his guitar, humming softly.

Rosalie’s sharp eyes can tell something is bothering me. “Did something happen, Ren?” She tosses her journal unerringly across the room so that it lands on her desk and then turns her full attention to me.

I fiddle with the ends of my hair, which is still damp from my shower. “I kissed him,” I say slowly, looking at my feet instead of her.

“And?” Rosalie stretches out beside me, her head propped up on pillows and regards me thoughtfully. “That’s okay Ren, if that’s what you wanted to do.”

I nod. “I know. It’s just that it felt…strange.” I giggle. “Not the kissing exactly, but…” I’m twisting my hair in my hands, not sure if I want to tell Rosalie what I was thinking about when I was kissing Will. No, I really don’t want to talk about this now. “What are you playing?” I say suddenly, turning to Emmett. “I know that song.”

Emmett is always self-deprecating about his music, but the truth is he plays well and is more than pleasant to listen to when he sings. Obligingly he adds the words to the melody he’s strumming. “ _Blackbird singing in the dead of night/ take these broken wings and learn to fly/ All your life/ You were only waiting for this moment to arise….blackbird fly, blackbird fly/ into the light of a dark black night…”_

_Oh._ I don’t mean to cry but I feel tears come to my eyes. The song is so beautiful and it’s like the words speak to my heart. “Again Emmett, please play it again,” I ask softly, closing my eyes and relaxing back into their big bed. It smells like them, and I remember how many nights I slept in Rosalie’s arms as a baby, Emmett’s arms big and strong enough to hold both of us and keep me safe as I dreamed.

_“Blackbird singing in the dead of night/ Take these sunken eyes and learn to see/ All your life,/ You were only waiting for this moment to arise./ Blackbird fly, blackbird fly/ into the light of the dark black night…”_

Emmett’s voice is low and soothing, and I keep my eyes closed and breathe steadily as I listen to him. Rosalie smooths my hair and I feel myself drifting off to sleep, tired with the excitement and emotional confusion of the evening.

I dream of flying, of a dark black night without stars. I smell the blood and hear the screams and the howling of the wolves and then my nose stings with the scent of burning vampires. Through it all I fly, high and alone, and I never find what it is I’m looking for.

I wake early in the morning, slightly disoriented to find myself in Rosalie and Emmett’s bed with the sun streaming in onto my face. I yawn and sit up, and when I see that the room is empty I slip off the bed and wander downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast.

It’s a quiet, lazy day. Carlisle isn’t working and he and Esme disappear into the forest for most of it. Rosalie and Alice talk clothes and websites, and Edward and Bella spend hours wrapped around each other and reading together in the porch swing. Jasper reads my history textbook, defacing it with his own interpretations and thoughts and opinions, and Emmett watches True Blood and laughs a lot, although I know he’d love to have a nice set of retractable fangs like they do.

I watch with Emmett for a while and then retreat to my room, listening to music and messing around on my computer. I find a Fangtasia t-shirt and order it for Emmett, knowing how much he’ll love it, and message with Bailey for a while. She raves about the dance, about the crush that she’s developing on some guy from her math class who was there last night, and ask a million questions about Will and my feelings for me, questions I really can’t answer.

I don’t know what’s happening between Will and me. Kissing him was impulsive and I’m not sorry I did it, but it changes the burgeoning friendship between us and I’m really not sure where it goes from here. As I contemplate Bailey’s questions I am uncomfortably aware of how much of my life I have no choice but to keep hidden, how many secrets I must hold, and inside I feel a growing sense of loneliness.

When Bailey logs off I find myself staring at Jacob’s name in my contacts list. I wish suddenly that I could just _talk_ to him, tell him about this crazy confusing human world I’m trying to make a place in and how hard it sometimes seems to balance the human and supernatural in my life. I miss his steady presence, and the love and friendship and understanding he offered so willingly, without demanding or expecting anything in return. And I know that it was the imprint and he didn’t have a choice…but that doesn’t mean it was all a lie.

_Dear Jacob, I miss you…_

_Jacob, I just wanted to say hello and see how you are doing…_

Irritated I delete the lines and think for a long time. How can I write such banalities to someone who knows me so deeply and loved me beyond anything reasonable? How can I reach out to someone who was once my best friend, before I hurt them to the core of their being? Should I even try?

I have to.

Suddenly smiling, I open up a new message and type rapidly for a few seconds.

_Jacob,_

_Found a new one for you - Why don’t vampires like mosquitoes? Too much competition!_

_Love, Ness._

 

Before I can change my mind I click send and my message goes out to Jacob. Oh, it’s a stupid joke and I can picture the exact way he will roll his eyes and chuckle when he reads it. But it seems like the best way to extend a hand to Jacob, without making demands or opening up healing wounds.

It works. Early that evening, while I’m playing my violin, I hear the email alert from my computer and my heart leaps when I see that it’s from Jacob. I take a deep breath and read the short message quickly, a smile lighting up my face as I do.

_Ness,_

_What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock? He got ticks!_

_Love Jacob (who no longer kills mosquitoes)._

 

I laugh delightedly, and quickly find a picture of a clock which I attach to an email. _Present for you…I’ll call the vet later._ I giggle as I click send and return to my violin practise.

Jacob’s back.

                          ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

I’m mildly apprehensive as I dress for school on Monday, wondering what’s going to happen with Will and if he will expect things between us to be different. I wear my Bite Me t-shirt to remind me to have courage, and my Cullen wristband to remind me who I am and then braid my hair and march resolutely out to the car where the others are waiting.

I don’t see Will until lunchtime. He’s in one of my classes but we have assigned seating and he’s on the other side of the room and all he can do is wave to me. At lunch time I collect what has become my standard fare of milk and yoghurt and sit down to eat it. It fills me up but leaves me feeling vaguely unsatisfied, and I find myself wondering how long it’s been since I had a blood meal. Not since we moved to Oregon, certainly, and not for at least a month or two before that…it’s the longest I’ve ever gone without it.

“What’s up?” Will sits down beside me, and groans slightly as he tries to stretch out his leg. “Was your lunch no good?”

“Is your leg okay?” I ask, ignoring his question.

“Yeah, more or less. It’s just a lot of walking around today, and I think I should have bought my crutches.” His face looks a little pale.

“Here,” I grab a chair and gently lift his booted leg up so that it is elevated. “At least rest it during lunch.”

“Thanks.” Will grins at me and takes my hand. I smile back at him and as gracefully as possible extract my fingers from his grip as I sit down. I’m uncomfortably aware of many pairs of eyes on us, both human and vampire, and I resent being made to feel like a sideshow as I try and navigate this new complication in my life.

Fortunately Will takes me pulling my hand away in stride and starts digging in to his lunch. I wander back up to the cashier for more milk, and a second later I scent Edward and feel him standing behind me.

“Don’t tell me what he’s thinking,” I say automatically, and then pause for a moment. “Actually, maybe it would help…”

Edward laughs gently. “Hypocrite.”

“Please tell Emmett and Rosalie and Bella to stop staring at me,” I request hopelessly. “This is so awkward already, I don’t need an audience.”

Edward presses his cool shoulder against mine, and I know it’s the closest he can get to hugging me in the school cafeteria. “We told you that interacting with the humans like this wouldn’t be easy,” he tells me, so softly that no one but us can hear it.

“That’s so helpful _now_ ,” I snap, and then bite my lip. “Look, I’m sorry. But I’m trying to work all this out. I don’t know _how_ to have friends, I don’t know _how_ to be this human that I’m pretending to be, but I’m trying anyway! And it really doesn’t help when all the rest of you are watching judgementally over my shoulder at all my mistakes and uncertainties! Goodness knows all of you weren’t always so perfectly assured and self-possessed!”

I can tell Edward is getting angry. “If we’re judging it’s because we’ve seen how these situations can end up…”

“Yeah,” I say in frustration, not even bothering to keep my voice down. “They end up with something like me…when will you realise that I’m not the same as you and mom?”

Forgetting to pay for my milk I stomp away. The cashier calls after me and I hear Edward’s mutter that he’ll pay for it, so I don’t stop but go back to my table fuming.

“Trouble?” Will asks, a little hesitantly.

I shrug. “Family stuff.” _You know, like I’m half human and half vampire and could break your bones if I accidentally squeeze your hand while I’m holding it. Oh, and my brother and sister are really my mom and dad, and they and my other pretend siblings are all thirsting for your blood anyway, so you probably don’t want to give them a reason to get angry with you. Nothing much._

“The rest of them all seem so close,” Bailey ventures. “They always sit together at lunch time and in classes. Except you.”

I laugh a little shakily. “I guess I must be the black sheep of the family.” I don’t look over at where I know they will be sitting and listening to me.

“Well, you can always come and hang out at my place if you want some space from them,” Will offers, his face only a little pink. “I know how much I used to want to get away from my brothers sometimes. It’s so great now that Steve is away at college and Andy’s going next year…only another year after this and at least some of yours will be away at college, Ren, yeah?”

I shrug. Another couple of years and we’ll all be moving on and this will all start all over again…I shake my head wearily at the thought. “Let’s change the subject.”

I have orchestra during the last period of the day. Will sits with Bailey and me in the violin section doing his math homework, and I can’t help but be aware of Edward’s cool gaze watching us. It frustrates me that he doesn’t trust me, and I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m friends with a human or the fact that the human is a boy that bothers him most. I have to fight the contrary desire to do something with Will that I’m not sure I even want to do, just to have the petty satisfaction of upsetting Edward.

I do let Will walk me out to the parking lot once school is over. He seems to sense my ambivalence and doesn’t try to touch me at all, just walks beside me talking amiably. I laugh at a joke, and he stops and grins.

“It’s good to see you laugh. You’ve seemed kind of quiet today,” Will says, fiddling with the straps on his backpack. “Are you okay? I didn’t upset you or anything at the dance?”

Oh, he really is lovely! It almost makes it more difficult, that he’s so nice…what can possibly happen between us? “I’m fine,” I tell him, trying to sound cheerful. “And I had a really good time at the dance too. I guess I’m just a little tired today.” My eyes slide over to the Mercedes where the others are waiting for me, Rosalie tapping the wheel but looking tolerant, Emmett smirking at me and Edward scowling as he stands by the rear door. I see Bella’s hand take his arm and tug him inside and I sigh. “I think they’re waiting for me.”

“I meant it, that you can come over to my place any time you want,” Will offers again. “It’s my birthday soon and then I’ll be able to drive, so I can take you home.”

“Thanks,” I say. “I’ll keep it in mind, but for now I’d better go or else I’ll be in for a long walk home.” Actually, the idea of walking home has a certain appeal, but it really wouldn’t be a very human thing to do so I wiggle my fingers at Will and head over to the car, bracing myself for the lecture on respect and secrecy and discretion out in public that I think my lunchtime conversation with Edward has likely brought down on me.

 Once at home I head straight to my room and turn on my laptop, opening my email and beginning to type to the only person I can think of that I want to talk to right now.

_Jacob- Hypothetically speaking, do you think there’s anything wrong with a hypothetical girl going to school and attempting to have human friends and experiences? Even if this hypothetical girl is a supernatural freak of nature? Do you think her hypothetical father, (who may or may not have broken every single rule in the book himself) really has a leg to stand on when it comes to playing the disciplinarian? Hypothetically speaking, of course. – Ness._

Much to my surprise, I get a response almost immediately.

_Ness- Hypothetically speaking, huh? Well, it sounds like this hypothetical girl knows what she wants, and it sounds like a pretty ordinary thing to want to do. If the hypothetical girl is as smart and funny and friendly as I’m thinking she is then I’m sure she’ll be successful at going to school and make lots of friends, despite hypothetically being a supernatural freak of nature. (And you know, I think I’d rather call her ‘unique’…sounds a bit nicer than freak of nature.)_

_I also think that this hypothetical girl’s father loves her and wants the best for her, even if he sometimes has a pretty obnoxious and overbearing way of showing it. She should maybe cut him some slack on the overprotectiveness. (Although not ruin her hypothetical werewolf friend’s reputation by telling her dad about this hypothetical advice.) Hypothetically speaking, of course. – Jacob._

I laugh suddenly, and my irritation vanishes. I’ll work this out. Smiling I get out my violin and begin playing, and today the music dances.  


	18. Growing Pains

“I’m going to catch a ride home with Will this afternoon,” I say to Edward as we leave the orchestra room. “Bailey’s coming over so we can practise for the Christmas concert, so Will said he’d come and hang out for a while and then drive her back into town.”

Edward nods without changing expression. I know they don’t really like it, but my family are used to Bailey, at least, coming to our house. She and I regularly get together now to rehearse for the upcoming Christmas concert and although we stay primarily in my room or the kitchen I know that having a human around in our private space makes them all slightly nervous.

Will coming to our house is a new one though. In the weeks since the dance he and I have become quite good friends, spending time together as part of the group at school and, on the odd occasion, I’ve gone to his house after school. I haven’t kissed him again, although I can tell by the way he looks at me that he wants to. Since he got his license a month ago he has driven me home, but today will be the first time he’s ever been inside my house. I sincerely hope that everyone has a sudden tremendous desire to go out hunting and that the house is empty.

No such luck, of course. Will doesn’t drive like a race car driver so we reach home long after the others do in the Mercedes. Rosalie is working on Emmett’s Jeep in the garage and has the roller door up, and Will’s eyes just about fall out of his head when he sees what’s inside as he parks in front of it.

“Ren! I had no idea you had all that…damn!” Will gets out of his car (well, his _Mom’s_ car, technically) and walks trancelike over to Rosalie’s Lexus, the showiest thing in the garage, and then runs his hand over the paintwork in worship. “This is awesome.”

“You’ll notice none of them are mine,” I say, a little snippily and loudly enough that Edward will overhear from inside the house.

Cars and driving have been touchy subjects since Edward and I had a ‘birthday’- he was fed up with being reliant on the others for transport and wanted to age up to sixteen and get his licence back. I saw no reason why I shouldn’t also get my licence and a car if I was pretending sixteen, but much to my disgust Edward and Bella said yes to getting a licence but balked at getting me a car, and have so far been very reluctant to actually let me drive alone.

“Come inside,” I say, and lead the way through the kitchen. Esme has baked and the kitchen smells warm and homely and I invite Will and Bailey to sit down and help themselves to cake. I pick half-heartedly at a slice, but all I really want to do is drink milk and I empty two bottles. Something funny is going on with my appetite and I’ve gone from eating four meals a day to eating only one or two. I know I’m supposed to talk to Carlisle about such things, but I hate being poked and prodded and examined and, apart from not being hungry, I really feel fine.

“Is this your room?” Will strolls in to my room and I follow. He glances at my bed, which is unmade, and looks quickly away, his attention going to my bookshelf where he browses the titles.

I sit on my bed and check my email quickly. There is one from Jacob and I open it with a smile. He and I have been emailing since I first sent him the vampire joke- often just a couple of lines or a joke, sometimes more, and I’ve come to look forward to seeing his name in my mailbox.

_Ness – Say hello to Uncle Jacob. My sister Rachel and Paul announced last night that they’re expecting a baby. Never thought I’d see the day that my first niece or nephew would have Paul Lahote as the father, let me say that. But really, I’m happy for them. They’ve been really good for each other, and of course this news had made Dad over the moon. Might even be able to convince him to take care of himself a bit better if it means he’ll be around for his grandchild. It’s good to see that at least some of us are moving towards the future. – Jacob._

_PS- What happened to the werewolf who ate garlic? His bark was worse than his bite!_

“Who’s Jacob?” Bailey asks, dropping down beside me on the bed.

“A friend,” I say vaguely. “I knew him in Alaska.” I can feel Will looking at me, and I add, “He lives on the Quileute reservation up in Washington now.”

“You’ve been emailing Jacob?” Bella’s voice sounds strained as she stands in my doorway.

“Yes,” I look at her carefully. “For a while now…just talking a bit.”

“How is he?”

“Fine. He just told me Rachel and Paul are having a baby,” I say. Bella is such a Cullen now that sometimes it’s easy to forget that she was once almost part of things at the reservation. I have known the wolves all my life, but it sometimes unsettles me when I think that Bella knew them all before fate stepped in and their human lives were sacrificed for the supernatural.

Bella bites her lip, the one human characteristic that she somehow carried over into her vampire life. I know she wants to ask more about Jacob, and what I am doing talking to him and what is going on, but it’s not a good idea in front of Will and Bailey.

“I think you should practice in the living area today,” she says quietly. “Will can do his homework at the table in there while you and Bailey rehearse, and the piano is out there if you need it.”

It turns out to be surprisingly fun. Apart from Esme, who is reading unobtrusively in the corner, the others make themselves scarce which makes Bailey a lot more relaxed. Will spreads his books out on the table and actually does some homework while Bailey and I practise.

“What’s this?” Bailey asks when we’re taking a break, fingering Edward’s half written music score. “Who writes music?”

“Edward,” I say, looking at it briefly. “He’s written some beautiful pieces. I’ll play you one, listen.”

I sit down at the piano and play her Bella’s Lullaby, the beautifully haunting melody I’ve been hearing since before I was born. I have always found it soothing, but today it fails to raise the usual feelings of warmth and love and security in me. Instead, I find myself with tears in my eyes as I feel the gulf between the little girl I was, who had Jacob by her side and thought no one could be as wonderful as the adult vampires who surrounded her, and the awkward, contrary adult-child I’ve become who feels almost lost as I try and find my own place.

Bailey shakes her head when I’m done playing. “Wow Ren, is there anything you _can’t_ do perfectly?”

I surreptitiously wipe my eyes and give her a shaky grin. “I’m not as good as Edward.”

Bailey raises her eyebrows. “Well, he can certainly compose, I’ll give him that.” She packs away her violin and Will begins tossing his books carelessly back in to his backpack.

“Oh, we’re having a party at my house on Saturday,” Will says casually. “It’s Andy’s birthday and he said it’s cool if I invite a few friends, so do you two want to come? Mrs Cullen, is that okay if Ren comes? I can drive her home afterwards.”

Esme hesitates momentarily. She must feel a little put on the spot, knowing that she doesn’t have any real authority over me, but behind Will’s back I nod my head at her vigorously and she smiles gamely. “I think that will be fine Will, Ren can ask her father tonight and let you know tomorrow.”

I wave goodbye to Will and Bailey as they drive away and then walk slowly back into the house. I’ve left my violin on the piano so I go into the living area to find it.

Esme is still sitting there, reading tranquilly, and wishing I had more of her inner serenity I hover for a minute. She looks up at smiles at me lovingly. “Come and sit down with me sweetie,” she says, and without hesitation I curl up beside her, feeling her strong arm lay gently across my shoulders.

There is a long moment of silence, and then Esme says gently, “I couldn’t help but notice your tears Ren. Sweetheart, would you like to talk about things? Why did playing that lullaby make you unhappy?”

I can’t speak around the lump in my throat, so I reach up and touch Esme, talking to her without my voice. _I feel so confused…I don’t understand anything anymore. Everything I do makes Edward angry. I love my human friends, but there are so many things I can’t share with them that there is always going to be a gulf between us. I love my vampire family, but I’m not really one of you either. I’m trying so hard to find somewhere to belong, and nothing feels right anymore._

“Oh, sweetie,” Esme croons, wrapping her arms around me and holding me close. “You’re just having some growing pains, that’s all. Growing up isn’t easy for anyone, and your life is more complicated than most.”

“It used to be so easy,” I whisper. “I thought dad was perfect, and I had Jacob and there wasn’t all this hiding and lying. Now it’s like walking through quicksand every day.”

I feel like a baby, crying on Esme’s lap, but at the same time there is something so comforting about admitting all the things that have me so muddled and having her listen with such loving understanding.

“You’re growing up sweetie,” Esme says gently. “You’re becoming a young woman, and sometimes that’s a hard transition. For you, as you look at who you are and who you want to become, and for your family who have to let you go out on your own to learn!” She kisses my forehead. “They all did it you know, to a greater or lesser extent. Edward, Rosalie, Emmett…they all went through phases of questioning everything as they came to terms with becoming a vampire. Even Bella, although she wanted this, had to make adjustments to being an adult and a mother. Life is all about change sweetie, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.”

“But you don’t change,” I say, trying to understand. “Carlisle always says that you’re frozen at the stage that you were at.”

Esme smiles. “We don’t change physically, that’s true, but emotionally? That’s a whole different matter. I’ve been loving them and watching them all these years, and they’ve all changed. They transformed as teenagers, right in the middle of that process of brain maturation, and that has continued during their vampire lives. Slowly - and painfully sometimes! – but they have.”

“Then why does everything I do get Edward so frustrated?” I say in a small voice. “You’d think he’d understand, a little bit.”

“I know you and Edward haven’t been getting along. He loves you and wants to keep you from being hurt…he perhaps doesn’t realise that sometimes that’s the only way to learn and grow.” Esme rubs my back soothingly. “It’s hard for all of us sometimes. Change is so slow for vampires as to sometimes be almost imperceptible, and after living this way for decades suddenly along came you and we’ve been faced with change that happens at an enormously rapid rate. We’ve hardly even got used to the idea of our baby girl and now you’re suddenly as grown up as any of us!”

She laughs at me and I giggle shakily. “It’s not that easy for me either.”

“No, I don’t think it is,” Esme hugs me. “You’ve got a beautiful heart though sweetie, and you’re going to be fine. It’s a bumpy road now, but everyone loves you and things will settle down. They always do.”

“Renesmee.” It’s Bella, and I sit up as I feel her sit on the sofa beside me. I wonder if she’s been listening to me talk to Esme, but she’s got something else on her mind. “I wanted to ask you about Jacob. I didn’t know you were in contact with him?”

I stiffen. “Does it matter?” I feel Esme giving me a gentle squeeze on the shoulder.

“No, of course not,” Bella says quickly. “I was just curious. I thought you felt it was better that you weren’t part of each other’s lives, and I wondered what had changed.”

I can’t help but wonder who she’s really concerned about with this, me or Jacob. “I never wanted him to not be in my life at all,” I say softly. “I wanted a chance to decide _how_ I wanted him in my life, and when he was right there being shoved into my arms at every turn I couldn’t do that.” I pick at a loose thread on my jeans. “Since we’ve been here I’ve missed him, so a few weeks ago I sent him an email and he wrote back. That’s all.”

“Well, that’s okay,” Bella says slowly. “I just want you to be careful baby, please. I don’t want to see you _or_ Jacob get hurt again.”

She doesn’t say anything else, but her eyes are troubled and I wonder what it is she’s really thinking. 


	19. Party Time

“I cannot believe your parents let you drive,” Sarah says to me, leaning towards her reflection in the mirror and carefully painting her lips a dark plum colour.

“I can’t either,” I say, from where I’m stretched out on her bed watching her make up routine. “I think they just really didn’t want Will driving me home after the party. I wish they’d let me have my own car though.”

“Yeah, because it’s such a hardship having to drive a shared Mercedes,” Bailey laughs, looking up from where she’s sitting on the carpet and painting her toenails. “Be real Ren, you’ve got it pretty good.”

I grin sheepishly. “I know. But maybe if we had an old beater they’d be more likely to let me drive it!” I sit up and hug my knees. “Anyway, if they won’t buy me one I’ll just wait til Rosalie upgrades and she’ll let me have the Lexus.”

Sarah shakes her head, and her long dangly silver earrings catch the light and flash. “Wow, a hand-me-down Lexus, how low class…must be nice to have money.”

Her tone is light and joking, but there’s a certain bite to her words and I glance across at Bailey, who shrugs at me. “Hey, what are you wearing tonight?” she asks Sarah, changing the subject.

“My red dress,” Sarah says cheerfully, beginning to pull on her underwear under the ratty, terrycloth robe she’s wearing. “If I can get this damn industrial strength underwear on…you two are so lucky to be naturally thin!” She grunts as she pulls her Spanx up. “But there are going to be loads of seniors there tonight, and even some college guys since Will said Steve was coming home and bringing friends, so I am going to look _hot._ ”

Bailey giggles. “Awesome.” She’s wearing a skirt and print top and has the flat iron heating up to straighten her hair while she paints her toenails.

Sarah pulls the red dress down over her head. It’s short and close fitting and while she might wish she was naturally thin she’s certainly got curves in all the right places. She surveys her reflection with evident satisfaction, and then looks at me with a thoughtful frown.

“Ren,” she says, wheedlingly, “You know I think you’re gorgeous right? And I really do love your casual style? But…”

“What?” I say warily. I know where this is going…she sounds exactly like Alice.

“It’s a party…don’t you want to dress sexy for once?”

“Sexy?” I look down at my jeans and ‘snowmen against global warming’ t-shirt. “Umm…I don’t know…”

“Come and look in my closet,” Sarah says. She flings open the door and begins tossing various things on to her bed. “You really should try it. I know your parents are way strict, but they’re not here. Get dressed up, then just throw on your clothes when you go home. Easy!”

 _I live with a couple of psychics…it’s not as easy to get away with tricks like that in my family!_ I shrug my shoulders. “Whatever…what do you think I should wear?”

I hardly look like myself once Sarah’s done.  I’m too tall for her pants, so she borrows a pair of black trousers from her sister that are so tight I don’t think I’m going to be able to sit down in them, and then adds a sparkly top that shows more skin than anything I’ve ever worn and creates some pretty eye catching cleavage. I’m half embarrassed just to look at myself in the mirror, but when I let my hair fall forward to cover my boobs Sarah laughs and piles half of it up on top of my head, pinning it up with some jewelled flower clips. She then makes my eyes up to look enormous- the main thing I like about that is that it might draw attention away from my breasts. Maybe. I have to admit though, as I look at myself in the mirror, that while I really don’t look like Renesmee Cullen anymore I do look pretty good.

“You look hot!” Sarah says triumphantly. “I am so good at this! Will isn’t going to be able to keep his hands off you!”

I’m not sure that I want that. Kissing Will is pleasant, but the idea of his hands on me makes me nervous. I look across at Bailey who grins back.

“You do look awesome,” she says. “I think Will will be impressed…but you can handle him Ren.” She giggles with a naughty wink at me. “In whatever way that might be!”

“Bailey!” I throw my regular clothes into my bag, feeling comforted knowing that they’ll be out in the car while we’re at the party. If I start feeling too uncomfortable in Sarah’s clothes I can always duck out and get changed, I tell myself, although there is something about knowing that I look cool and confident and sexy that is making me feel that way too. “Come on girls,” I say, “Let’s get going.”

The party is well underway by the time we get there, and I have to park the Mercedes halfway down the block. We walk down to Will’s house, where lights and music are spilling out the open front door and windows, despite the cool night.

“Hey! It’s Will’s little posse!” Andy, the birthday boy, is in the front hall and flings his arms out expansively when he sees us. “What about some birthday kisses, girls?”

“God, how drunk is he already?” Bailey mutters to me. “Yeah, how about not,” she says in a louder voice, giving him a grin. “Happy birthday though!”

Andy laughs. “Awww, you always were straight laced Bailey Rivers. Sarah’ll give me kiss though, right?”

Sarah giggles and pecks him demurely on the cheek. “Happy birthday Andy.”

He slings an arm around me and stares unabashedly at my cleavage. “And Ren the new girl…do you know what a hard on my brother has for you?”

“Yeah, thanks Andy.” It’s Will, and I can feel the heat of his embarrassment in his cheeks as he pulls Andy’s arm off me. “Hi Ren, Sarah, Bailey…come on. You can still get charged with sexual harassment on your birthday you know,” he says to his brother with a scowl.

Andy and his friends laugh, and Will leads the way into kitchen. “Sorry about that,” he says to us. “He’s enough of an ass usually, add a bit of alcohol and a birthday and…well, you saw what you get.” He grimaces.

“It’s okay,” I say. “Don’t worry about it.” I glance around the kitchen, where every surface seems to have been taken over by an army of bottles.

“Awesome!” exclaims Sarah, grabbing up some cups and passing them around. “I can’t believe your parents let you get all this.” She starts pouring something brown and sharp smelling from a bottle, adding Coke in some mysterious ratio of her own.

“Oh, they didn’t really,” Will says. “I mean, they knew there’d be some, Steve bought a keg - which is out in the backyard if you want beer – but the rest of this…I don’t know where it came from.”

“Where are they?” Bailey asks.

“My grandpa’s place,” Will answers, offering us a bowl of corn chips. “I think they’re crazy for leaving this whole thing unsupervised, but at the same time…” he grins and holds up his cup. “Cheers!”

We ‘clink’ as well as you can with plastic cups, and then take a drink. I’m cautious, I’ve never drunk alcohol before, but this tastes mostly like cola with some kind of sharper, medicinal undertone to it, and it’s not bad. I wonder how much it will take to get me drunk. Carlisle tested my reactions to a vast array of blood products, foods and drinks when he was still using me as a guinea pig, but obviously alcohol had not been one of them! I know that the wolves with their higher body temperatures burn alcohol off more quickly than humans, and it takes a lot more to get them drunk, and I think I’m likely the same way. As long as I don’t drink too much too quickly I should be fine.

Of course, I vastly underestimate how easy it is going to be to drink ‘too much’. People keep sloshing more liquids into my cup, and it all tastes nice and goes down easily, and as the party gets more crowded the air gets warmer and I’m already so hot that all I feel is dry and thirsty. I honestly don’t realise what’s happening, I miss the moment of first feeling that it’s starting to affect me, and it’s not until I follow Will and the others down the stairs into the basement and nearly stumble over my own feet that I have any idea that I’m really rather drunk. And of course by then, I don’t care. Instead I grin flirtatiously at Will and accept the cup that someone else presses into my hand and drink some more.

It’s a little quieter down in the basement. The stereo is on down here, mixed in with the thumping bass of the dance music upstairs, making everything else I’m hearing slightly distorted. The basement is lit only by lamps, and there are several couples making out in dark corners.

“Did you bring us all down here so you could make out with Ren?” Sarah asks Will with a giggle.

“No!” Will gives her an indignant look. “We came down here to hang out and play Dance Dance Revolution.”

I giggle and flop down onto a sofa. I love Dance Dance Revolution- it’s Alice’s favourite and she and Rosalie spent a whole summer once reprogramming it to make it vampire fast and then challenging each other and anyone else who would take them on. A moment later Will flops down beside me, practically in my lap.

“Although if you want to make out I wouldn’t say no,” he tells me, his voice thick with the alcohol. “You look really good tonight Ren, I like that top.”

I giggle again. He just likes that he can see my boobs. “It’s Sarah’s,” I tell him, but he’s leaning in to kiss me and he’s not listening. _Ohh, Will…_ It’s different to kissing him at the dance. It’s hotter, there is more tongue and teeth and he tastes like bourbon and coke. He has one hand on my head and one hand slips across the bare skin of my shoulder and arm to touch my breast, and I think blurrily how easily this could get out of hand. I pull away.

Will is breathing hard. His cheeks are flushed with alcohol and arousal and for a moment I wish I didn’t have my half vampire hearing as I hear his heart pound. He leans towards me again and I gently place a hand on his chest. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I realise that with only a little more pressure I could cave his whole sternum in, I’m that much stronger than he is. I have to stop myself from pressing any harder on the bone.

Will looks disappointed, but his hand covers mine as he swallows and says, “Okay.”

“It isn’t that I don’t like you,” I say. “I do. It’s just that…there’s a lot you don’t know about me.” I reach for my cup and drain the rest of my drink. “I have _secrets_ ,” I say in a stage whisper, falling back into the sofa with a giggle.

“I think…” Will begins, but then the others are calling for us and it’s our turn to dance and I jump up, eager to get away.

I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, or if it’s looking and feeling like someone so totally different, or if it’s the fact that Will’s kissing has got me more worked up than I want to admit but I kill them all on DDR. No matter what comes up I get a perfect score and forget to be careful and not show off as I laugh and dance, half my hair falling down over my face and the world seeming overly bright and the noise too jangly.

“You’re like a dancing robot!” Sarah shrieks at me, and I laugh again and jump down and then we all drink and dance right where we are.

Later I slip into the bathroom for a minute, to rest my burning forehead against the cool tile wall and take a break. Bailey and Sarah came in with me, and they both giggle and use the toilet, talking about all the good looking boys they’ve seen at the party.

“What’s going on with you and Will?” Bailey asks me. “I saw you kissing him before.”

“I don’t know,” I say, feeling the walls apparently undulate under my forehead.

“Well, you’d better make up your mind and stop being such a tease,” Sarah says bluntly. “Look at you tonight Ren, all drunk with your boobs hanging out and making out with him and then stopping…”

“It’s your shirt!” I say, hurt. “I’m not being a tease. I just don’t know what I want with him…it’s not that simple for me.”

Sarah snorts. The alcohol that is making me feel vague and dreamy and slightly detached from reality is making her aggressive. “Whatever. Is it that other guy you’re always emailing? Jacob? Because keeping Will dangling while you’re getting together with your old boyfriend, or whatever he is, is a totally bitch move Ren.”

 _Jacob. Jacob. Jacob._ His name echoes like drumbeats in my heart and all my confusion and longing and angst coalesces into a throbbing pulse of desire. _Jacob. Mine. I want you._

I shake my head and glare at Sarah, fed up with her passive aggressive comments and snide criticisms tonight. “You don’t know anything about Jacob. And you don’t know anything about me, or Will, or what we’re doing together.”

“Yeah, well I don’t think you know what you’re doing either,” Sarah counters. “And I’m sick of watching you tease Will…he deserves better.”

Without a word I push out of the bathroom, past Will, and head upstairs. But the room starts spinning and I sit down abruptly on the basement stairs, leaning my head against the newel post, my fingers touching the bare place on my wrist where Jacob’s bracelet always used to be. This time it doesn’t give me strength, but instead the absence of it makes me feel terribly, heartbreakingly alone. _How did I get here Jacob? Why did I send you so far away?_

I don’t know how long I sit there, hidden in the shadows at the curve of the stairs. Long enough for a couple of songs to go by, long enough for me to start feeling guilty about snapping at Sarah when she’s supposed to be my friend anyway. The world seems steadier too, so I get to my feet and head back down to the basement to find my friends.

I find them. Will’s in an armchair and Sarah is on his lap, and they’re kissing in a way that’s certainly a lot more than platonic friendship. For a moment I can do nothing but stare at them, and then Will’s eyes open and he sees me, and I turn and run.

“Ren!” I hear him coming after me as I shove myself through the crowd, but I don’t slow down. I don’t even know what I’m feeling, but I do know that I want to get away from this pulsating, noisy crowd and out into the fresh air, get away to somewhere I can think and examine what has happened and how I really feel about it. “Ren, wait!”

He catches me as I stumble down the front steps, his hand seizing my arm to try and stop me falling. It’s really not my intention, but as I fall I yank my arm away and my supernatural strength comes into play and sends Will reeling halfway across the yard. The luck of the drunk, he tumbles bonelessly down onto the grass and doesn’t hurt himself, but I realise with horror what my family has meant when they say I could hurt him without ever meaning to.

“Shit!” Will lies on his back, gazing in surprise up at the starry sky. “How did that happen?”

“I don’t know,” I lie, and crawl across the lawn to flop down beside him, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I’m sorry.”

“Naw, I’m sorry,” Will says. He looks over at me guiltily. “Sarah told me you’re going out with that guy from Alaska. She said you’ve just been stringing me along.”

Huh. Some friend she’s turned out to be. “You shouldn’t believe everything people tell you,” I say tiredly. “His name is Jacob, and it’s complicated. But I’m not going out with him.” _No. I’m not going out with him. There is nothing in your vocabulary and experience to explain what there is between Jacob and me._

“But you don’t really like me,” Will says, with unusual astuteness. “Not like that, anyway.”

I flop back on the grass beside him. Above me the stars swirl, and I wish I hadn’t drunk so much. “No,” I say quietly. “That part of being human isn’t going to work for me, I think.”

“That’s too bad,” Will sighs. “’Cause I like you a lot Ren, even if you think you aren’t human.” He reaches over and takes my hand, and for a moment we lie together in the grass, looking up at the vastness of the starry sky above. 


	20. Consequences

Chapter 20- Consequences.

Will goes back to the party. I walk down the street towards the car, but as the ground shifts unevenly beneath my feet and I struggle to keep my eyes focussed, I realise that there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to drive home. _Shit, shit, shit…you are an idiot, Renesmee Cullen!_

I collapse on the front lawn of the dark and quiet house I parked in front of and dig my cell phone out of my pocket, hesitating over the numbers. Eventually I hit one, hearing it ring. “Emmett? I need your help.”

“What is it Monster?”

“Don’t tell Mom and Dad…they’re not there are they?” I close my eyes against the whirling sky.

“Nope, I’m just hanging out with Rose in our room- what is it? Are you in trouble?” His voice is rough with concern.

“No…I just…I can’t drive home from the party. I need you to come and get me and the car.” I feel tears coming into my eyes. “Please Emmett.”

“It’s okay, Loch Ness,” he says gently. “Rose and I’ll come get you, we’ll be there in a moment. You know where you are?”

“Somewhere…” I mumble, and over the phone I hear Emmett laugh and somehow it reassures me.

“It’s okay,” he says with a chuckle. “Edward put a GPS tracker on your phone, Rosalie will know how to access it and we’ll find you. Just hold on Monster, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

 _GPS tracker on my phone? Is he insane? We are really going to have to talk about this one._ I shake my head, but it makes my stomach lurch uncomfortably and I whimper and lie flat on my back, breathing deeply and wondering how I can feel so thirsty and so sick all at the same time.

“Ren? You okay?"                                                                                  

I open my eyes to see Emmett and Rosalie leaning over me. “I drank too much,” I confess.

“Yeah, we can tell,” Emmett says cheerfully. “You smell like Jack. Come on Monster, up you get. Let’s take you home, hmmm?” He grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet, where I sway slightly and clap my hands over my mouth.

“This is probably more your area than mine,” Rosalie says to Emmett teasingly. “Wasn’t this your hobby in your human life?”

Emmett laughs, and then takes me by the shoulders and pushes me towards the bushes at the edge of the yard as I gag. “Not in the middle of the lawn, no one wants to wake up to that in their yard…that’s it sweetheart, get it up. Better out than in, I think.”

His voice is surprisingly gentle as he holds my hair out of my face and rubs my back with his big hands as I violently expel everything in my stomach. I have never been sick in my life and it’s so awful I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m dying as I heave and cough and choke.

“Oh, that is disgusting,” Rosalie says repulsed.  

“Baby doll, that’s not helping,” Emmett says to her over his shoulder. “I don’t know that Monster is enjoying this all that much, either.”

“Ugh…no!” I moan, spitting frantically. I have the worst taste in my mouth, but Emmett is right- it is better now that I’ve emptied my stomach.

“So what happened?” Rosalie asks me quietly. Having ascertained that I’m not going to vomit again she hands me a tissue which I use to wipe my mouth, and then the three of us move over to the parked cars, sitting down on the kerb for a minute.

I can feel the tears running down my face. I feel sick, and unhappy, and I’m starting to realise just how much I’ve messed things up tonight. My metabolism is burning through what alcohol is left in my system, and I’m thinking more clearly every minute. It’s not just the drinking, in fact that’s the smallest part of it. I reach over and touch them, showing them my evening- dressing up at Sarah’s, drinking and flirting, Will kissing me and touching me…

“Whoa, don’t want to see that!” Emmett says hastily, pulling my hand away. He holds my wrist for a moment and looks at me anxiously. “You just say the word and I’ll go kick his ass, but I can’t watch him making out with my Monster. So, do I need to find him and do some damage?”

I laugh weakly and shake my head. “No.” I touch him again and show them the rest, dancing with a skill that bordered on unnatural, arguing with Sarah in the bathroom about Jacob, Will and Sarah kissing, Will coming after me and the way I had sent him flying across the yard without meaning to, even my comment about not being human. When I’m finished I drop my face into my hands and sob for a minute, feeling comforted as Emmett and Rosalie each put an arm around me.

“Oh god, don’t cry!” Emmett sounds half panicked. “Monster, I can’t do crying…eighty years and Rosalie’s cried _once_ , I’m not good with crying girls, come on Loch Ness…!”

“It’s okay Ren,” Rosalie says gently. “Not your best night, I’ll grant, but it’s okay. You didn’t hurt Will, and it seems like everyone was pretty drunk and messed up tonight.”

“It’s good that you called us,” Emmett said practically. “I’m glad you realised you couldn’t drive.” He looks over my head at Rosalie. “Edward’s gonna freak.”

“Don’t tell him,” I beg. “Please.”

Rosalie shakes her head. “He’ll read it straight out of our heads Ren, you know we can’t block him out like you can. But we can try and keep it quiet til tomorrow, til you’ve had a rest and are ready to talk about it.”

I know she’s right. No one in our house can keep anything of significance to themselves except Bella and Edward, which has always struck me as a little unfair. I sigh and rub my eyes.

“You drive Ren home in the Merc,” Rosalie says to Emmett. “I’ll drive the Lexus. Sorry Ren, but if there’s even a chance you could be sick again you are not setting a toe into my car. Emmett’s the one with drinking experience anyway.”

I look at Emmett. “You used to do this in your human life? For fun?”

Emmett laughs. “Yeah, well…things were different then.” He looks affectionately at Rosalie. “You know, it was one of the things I loved about my angel girl when I first saw her- her eyes were the colour of moonshine whiskey.”

Rosalie’s face softens and just for a second her hand drifts out to touch Emmett’s lips. He kisses her, and I watch with an ache in my heart to see the depth of intimacy and love they share. I feel privileged to see it, because I know that this softer side of her heart is something Rosalie fights to keep hidden from most of the world.

Rosalie takes off in her car, and I hand Emmett my keys and then climb into the passenger seat of the Mercedes. My phone falls out of my pocket and I look at it lying innocently on the seat with a frown.

“He _really_ put a GPS tracker on my phone?” I ask.

“Oh,” Emmett looks at me guiltily. “I’m not supposed to know about that myself, let alone tell you. But yeah. Just in case, you know.”

I bite my lip and then in a sudden flash of temper throw my phone out of the window, hearing the noise as the glass smashes against the kerb. “Well, _fuck_ that!”

Emmett laughs, but there’s a note of unease in his laughter as he takes off into the darkness after Rosalie.

She’s standing against her Lexus when we pull in to the garage, waiting for us with her arms folded across her chest. “Sorry Ren,” she says, as I stagger out of the Mercedes. “But Edward must have caught something from my thoughts or Emmett’s as we left, because he’s waiting for us all in the kitchen.”

“Busted,” Emmett murmurs, shrugging at Rosalie. “Oh well, can’t be helped…there’s something to be said for getting it over and done with anyway.”

I go over to the garage sink and rinse my mouth out, then take a deep breath and walk determinedly into the kitchen, Rosalie and Emmett following.

“You’re not hurt?” Edward’s voice is icy. He’s leaning against the breakfast bar with his arms folded, Bella perched on the stool by his side.

“No.” I don’t know where to look.

“Are you sure?” Carlisle is in the doorway to the living area, and he’s frowning at me in concern. “Perhaps I should examine you Ren, we don’t know what affect alcohol could have on you…”

“No, really I’m fine,” I say to him, avoiding Edward’s gimlet eyes. “I didn’t mean to drink so much. I vomited a lot of it up in the end, and I’m feeling pretty normal now.”

“Puked like a human,” Emmett says easily. “She’s fine Carlisle. Drink some water Ren, or milk or blood or whatever takes your fancy, or you’ll have a killer headache in the morning.”

“How could you have been so reckless and irresponsible?” Edward hisses at me. “After everything we’ve always talked about Renesmee…what were you _thinking_?”

“I made a mistake,” I say, resigned. “I’m sorry.”

“And you think saying _sorry_ is enough? When you’ve gone halfway to revealing that you’re not what you say you are, when you’re careless enough to _hurt a human?_ ”

“I didn’t hurt him!” I say defensively.

“But you could have! It was only luck that you didn’t, certainly not because you used good judgement or maintained control over yourself!” Edward snaps.

“I said I’m sorry! What else can I do now? I didn’t mean for anything to get out of hand and I’m not going to do it again, believe me.”

“Sounds good,” Emmett says hastily. “She’s sorry Edward, how bout we leave it at that…” He takes Rosalie’s hand and starts moving towards the living room.

“Don’t you go anywhere!” Edward snarls at him. “I’ve got a few things I need to say to you too!”

Emmett swings around to face him, Rosalie like a statue at his shoulder. “Do you really think…”

“How could you be so irresponsible?” Edward is almost shouting. “To not tell me that she was in trouble, to think you could _hide_ this from me…she’s _not your daughter._ ”

Rosalie hisses, and Emmett holds up his hands in supplication. “Dude…calm down. No one was hiding anything from you. We were going to talk about it tomorrow, when Ren felt better. And _she_ called _us_ …”

“I don’t care,” Edward growls. “Renesmee is my daughter, mine and Bella’s, and anything involving her is my business and you’ve no right to go behind my back and…”

“Stop it!” I shout furiously. “Don’t blame them for anything…I was the one who called them and asked them not to tell you!”

“Maybe think about why that might be, Edward,” Rosalie mutters viciously. “Maybe consider that your habit of overreaction is part of the problem here?”

For a moment I think Edward is going to strike her, and I’m not the only one. Emmett’s whole bearing changes and he looks like nothing less than a warrior, poised to defend his own. Bella too reaches out a hand and locks her hand around Edward’s wrist.

“Enough,” she says quietly. “Emmett and Rosalie, thank you for helping Renesmee tonight. We appreciate that you were able to do so, and keep her safe.”

Edward’s eyes are black with suppressed rage, but his voice is quiet when he turns his back on the others and speaks directly to me.

“You’ve disappointed me Renesmee. I thought you were ready to handle being in the human world and taking on a more adult role in the family, but it hasn’t been successful. We can’t afford to take chances like this- you’re not ready and the risks are too great. Bella and I think it’s best if we take you back to Alaska for a while…”

“No!” I curl my hands into fists. “NO! I’m not going back to Alaska now!”

“I’m sorry you feel that way Renesmee, but it’s not your decision…”

“No!” I shout. “I’m not going _anywhere_ with you! I haven’t done anything so bad and I hate that you keep making me feel guilty for not being perfect! Because guess what, _no one_ is perfect, not me or you or Mom or anyone…people make mistakes and they learn and you have to let me do that too!”

“Not when the risks of mistakes are so great!” Edward snaps back. “What if you’d hurt Will when you threw him off you tonight? What if you’d said even more than you actually did because you were too drunk to know any better? You _know_ the Volturi watch us…”

“Oh, fuck the Volturi!” My voice is shaking. “And the rest of you can go to hell too.” Not waiting for a response I turn and take off out the back door, running with all the speed I have, driven onwards by my rage and my guilt and my aching, hurting heart.


	21. Breaking Rules

It’s been a long time since I’ve been out in the forest at night. At first I’m too caught up in the storm of emotions inside my own head to notice anything, but as I run and my heartbeat and breathing settle into a hypnotic rhythm the cool dark beauty of the night begins to work on me. Eventually I slow and then stop, breathing in the cold night air and tasting the scents that come to me on the breeze.

 _It’s been too long._ My throat is dry and parched with thirst, and this time I don’t want milk. Nothing is going to soothe this but blood, and I find myself moving on to my toes and bracing my body as I shift unconsciously into the attitude of a predator.

I slink through the forest like a spirit, making no noise as I search out something to drink. There are deer, sleeping the uneasy sleep of the prey, but I don’t want that. I want the strong, rich blood of a carnivore… _there it is. Bobcat._ I see the gleam of the eyes reflecting the moonlight and smell the heavy musky scent of the animal and I slowly take off my shoes, moving barefoot and silently towards it.

The animal doesn’t sense me near. She’s fed already tonight and her belly is taut with her feasting, making her slower and less cautious than usual. I swallow hard and lick my lips, reminding myself to move slowly, cautiously, as I inch myself in to position so that I will be able to pounce and rip into her throat in one move. _Nearly, nearly…little bit more…oh, YES!_

I’m woefully out of practise. I get my teeth into her neck but I miss the jugular and then my grip on the body slips and the cat screams and twists in my grasp, smearing blood across my body as she scrapes her teeth and claws across my skin. I feel the scratch but she doesn’t break the skin and I half sob as I bite into her neck, feeling the skin tear under my teeth and then the hot, pulsing flow of blood as the jugular ruptures into my mouth. _Oh yes, yes, yes…so good…needed this…missed this…_ I gulp frantically, blood pulsing around my lips and spattering across the rest of me as I try to catch as much of it in my mouth as I can, until the heart begins slowing and I fasten my lips onto the body and suck hard, trying to get all that I can before the animal dies.

 _Oh, this feels so good!_ It is months since I’ve fed on blood, and my body is quivering as it floods my system. I feel so strong and sharp and alive! I lick what I can off my fingers, laughing quietly as I look down at the blood stained mess of my clothes. I look like Emmett after a hunt…how embarrassing. Even my hair is matted with blood at the front, and I grimace and push it back.

I take my time burying the body, and then track my way to the river to clean up. The water feels like ice against my hot skin, and it cleans and refreshes in equal measures. Once I’m done I play for a little while, skimming stones and climbing trees, and it’s glorious to use my full strength and speed and skill after so long hiding it at school and with my human friends.

I sit at the top of a tree, looking out across the forest and watching as the sky begins to lighten with the dawn. I wonder if Edward was serious about going back to Alaska, and think bleakly that he probably was. He isn’t one to speak rashly or without thinking. _I don’t want to go._ I have walked close to the line, I do admit that, but I have never crossed it- I have done nothing here to put the family at risk, and I don’t want to leave them. I don’t want to go back to Alaska with Edward and Bella and be away from the rest of them. Not now.

The clouds move in and the rain starts and I sigh as it drips down my face and soaks into my clothes. I realise that between the blood and the rain turning the dirt to mud on my clothes that Sarah’s shirt is never going to be the same, and then I shake my head as I remember her kissing Will. It’s not that they might have feelings for each other that bothers me, it’s the untruths she told him about Jacob and I that felt like a betrayal. The kissing…that doesn’t mean anything. I bite my lip. I kissed Will, and it was fun and felt nice but it wasn’t anything to do with love.

 _Not like Jacob._ The thought of kissing Jacob comes into my mind and my body is flooded with heat and I have to take a firmer hold on the trunk at my back to steady myself. _Jacob…I want you._

Suddenly frantic I scramble down the tree, half climbing and half falling, feeling my hair tangle in twigs and branches and wrench free, feeling the sting as my skin is scraped and heals in the same instant. I need to get home.

I don’t look for anyone else as I race through the kitchen and in to my bedroom, flipping my laptop open and beginning to type.

_Everything is wrong Jake. I don’t know what I’m doing- I can’t be human and I can’t be vampire and I don’t know how to be anything else. I don’t belong anywhere anymore…by trying to find my own place I’ve just alienated everyone who loved me and I’m more lost than I ever was. What was the point? Why did I hurt everyone just to end up so unhappy?_

_What if everything was just the way it should be and I threw it away? Maybe I went looking for something that I already had and just didn’t know it? What if I was wrong?_

I press send and shut down my laptop as I hear a noise from the door. It’s Edward, looking in shock at my damp and bloody clothes and wildly tangled hair.

“What have you been doing?”

“Hunting.” I push past him, heading towards the bathroom.

“But you don’t…”

“Don’t what? Hunt?” I look at him, my lips quivering. “Well, I’m not allowed to be human anymore, am I? I may as well start being a proper vampire, since that’s what you want me to be.”

Edward pushes his hands into his hair. “Renesmee, I don’t want to argue with you. You know we don’t care whether you hunt or not. We need to talk, baby.”

“I need a shower,” I say flatly. “And as long as you’re determined to take me to Alaska there’s nothing to talk about, because I’m not going.”

I spend as long as I can in the bathroom, scrubbing the blood off and washing and drying my hair, and then go back to my room and get dressed. I feel more me in my jeans and t-shirt, braided hair and Cullen wristband. After I moment’s hesitation I take out the braided bracelet Jacob left for me and loop it over my wrist, feeling the wolf and the bird charms rubbing comfortingly against my skin.

Edward and Bella are sitting together on the sofa, talking quietly when I walk into the living room and sit down across from them.

“Where’s everyone else?” I ask.

“Alice and Jasper are out, Emmett and Rosalie have gone hunting, Carlisle’s at work and Esme is in their room,” Bella answers.

“Please don’t fight with Emmett and Rosalie about last night,” I say quietly. “I called Emmett to help me and I asked them not to tell you right away. They were just doing what I asked them to, so it’s not fair of you to blame them for any of it.”

“You could have called us,” Bella says, and I can see the hurt in her face that I didn’t. “You know we will always do anything we can for you, baby.”

I bite my lip. Yes, I know that…but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come without strings attached.

“I know I did the wrong thing last night,” I go on slowly. “I admit that, and I am really sorry for it. But I think you’re overreacting a little…I know I’m not your perfect little girl anymore, but I’m not doing too badly, not really.”

“We just think that maybe this is all a bit much right now,” Bella says gently. “Maybe you weren’t quite ready for it all yet. There’s lots of time Renesmee, we’ve got forever, so maybe we should pull back and regroup and then try again another time.”

“I don’t want to do that,” I mutter, trying to keep control of my emotions. “I don’t want to go back to Alaska like some naughty child being sent back to the nursery because she irritated the grown-ups.”

“We don’t have to go to Alaska,” Edward joins in. “We can go travelling for a while, the three of us. Go to Europe, maybe even head down to the Amazon for a while and visit Zafrina and the ones down there. You could meet up with Nahuel and his sisters- maybe it would be good to talk to someone who is like you.”

“The GPS tracker on my phone wasn’t enough?” I say acidly. “You’ll just keep me right by your side so you always know exactly where I am?”

Edward scowls. “Damn Emmett…you weren’t supposed to know about that. I never used it- it was just in case something ever happened.”

“Don’t blame Emmett- it’s not his fault you don’t trust me!” I take a deep breath. “He and Rosalie used it last night. And by the way, I need a new phone because that one is now smashed all over the road. One without spyware on it, if that’s okay.”

“Will you at least try and understand our feelings about this?” Edward says, running his hands through his hair again. It’s standing on end- a clear sign he’s more agitated than his smooth face would let on. “We love you baby, we want to keep you safe…and what’s been going on here isn’t that safe. You’re not a full vampire, but you’re enough like one that you need to remain constantly in control of yourself lest you hurt someone. You’re being too…out, too obvious here. You’re too memorable and you need to learn a little more discretion.”

“Maybe it’s not perfectly safe, but it’s not any more dangerous than living like this has ever been,” I argue. “I understand that you worry. But please try and understand how badly it makes me feel that you’re just waiting for me to mess up all the time. Especially when I know everything that you two did that led to me being born!”

“That’s got nothing to do with this,” Edward says, a muscle in his jaw twitching. He’s getting angry, but I don’t want to stop.

“It has everything to do with this!” I exclaim. “You and Rosalie and Emmett and Alice and Jasper went to school and played human for years, and when things went wrong you just dealt with them and moved on and it was okay. No one fell in love with humans and let out all the family secrets and created half vampire, half human babies and aggravated the Volturi until _you_ did it…that happened once in a hundred years, and yet now I can’t do anything because you think it’s all going to happen again!”

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” Edward says stiffly. “But in the end your mother and I have to make the decision on the level of danger and we don’t feel that this is an acceptable risk.”

I don’t say anything else. There seems no point; Edward has made up his mind and I know how pointless it will be to try and change it now. For a long time I sit there looking at them bleakly and silently, and then I get up and leave the room. Sitting on my bed I hear the low murmur of their voices, but I can’t understand the words. Not that I really want to. I sit cross legged, my fingers caressing the carved wooden charms Jacob made me, wondering again what he meant with the bird. The words of the Blackbird song Emmett sang on the night of the dance run through my head, and suddenly I’m tired of trying and always failing. I can’t be what they want, I can’t do what they want…I’m going to fly and this time it’s going to be on my terms.

As silently as possible I gather a few things together and then slip out to the garage, where I pause by the hooks that hold the spare keys. The Jag and Alice’s Porsche are gone, the Jeep still has half of its pieces laying out on the workbench, which leaves the Mercedes and the Lexus. I hesitate. If I start up the Mercedes Edward will hear it and _know_ it’s me, but he won’t think anything if the Lexus leaves. I can’t stop the guilty grin as I snatch up the keys and jump into the car. Oh, Rosalie is going to kill me…but what the hell. They’re all going to be so mad at me anyway, I may as well break the rules in style if I’m going to do it. The car roars to life and I put my foot on the accelerator and take off.

 


	22. Going Backwards

The red and blue lights start flashing in my rear view mirror, lighting up the early evening darkness as the noise of the siren hits my ears. With a resigned sigh I pull over to the verge, watching in my mirror as the uniformed officer climbs out of his car and strolls up to me. Seven hours of driving and _now_ I run in to trouble?

“Do you know how fast you were…oh hell.”

I bite my lip and look up at the officer with guilty eyes. “Hi Grandpa Charlie.”

Charlie scratches his head and looks down at me. “Ness…what are you doing here? What were you doing _driving_ like that? Do you even have a licence?”

“I have a licence,” I say guiltily. “Sort of.”

“Cullen issued, I bet,” Charlie mutters, and I can’t help giggling.

“No, I got it from the Oregon DMV, I swear. I took the test and everything. The birth certificate I used to prove my age on the other hand…”

Charlie holds up a hand. “Don’t tell me anymore, Ness. I don’t even want to go there.” He regards me in bewilderment. “What are you doing here? Bella didn’t say anything…do they know you’re here?”

I slump down in my seat. “Well, not exactly.”

Charlie grumbles into his moustache and frowns at me severely as he fishes his cell phone out of his pocket.

“Bells? Yeah, it’s me…yeah, I know…she’s sitting right here in front of me, safe and sound…Hmmm, she did?...Okay then….Rosalie? Yes ma’am, pulled her over for speeding…Talk to her? Oh sure…”

I look up at him in horror. Talking to Bella and telling her I’m here was one thing, I had intended to call her when I reached his place anyway, but _Rosalie_? I hold up my hands in surrender and shake my head wildly.

“Oh, I think she knows Rosalie…you want that I should take her down to the station and book her?...Okay, I will do that….Okay Bells, I’ll take her back home with me now and call you later…Mmmhmm. Love you too.” Charlie shuts off the phone and drops it back into his pocket, glaring at me.

“Stealing cars, Renesmee Cullen? Running away from your family and scaring the hell out of them? You know, I’d be doing the right thing if I took you down to the station and threw the book at you. I could do it…” He takes in my quivering bottom lip and his face softens. “Aww, come on. I guess there’s more to this than meets the eye, and I’m not going to book you.” He chuckles wryly. “I figure facing Rosalie is going to be punishment enough when you get back home.”

I breathe shakily. “You’re not wrong about that. I just…”

“It’s okay.” Charlie looks at the Lexus and shakes his head. “Kiddo, next time you want to take off? Don’t do it in a brand new Lexus…there isn’t a cop in the country who won’t look twice at a little girl in something like this.” He eyes me doubtfully. “I guess you can drive this back to my place?”

I nod. “Seven hours here, and you were the first person to stop me.”

“Lucky me,” Charlie mutters, shaking his head. “Okay Ness, I’ll get in my car and you follow me home.”

I try not to think what Rosalie will say to me about parking her precious car out on the street as I pull in behind Charlie’s cruiser and slam the door shut in front of his place. I follow him silently up the path, noting how little on the outside has changed since I was last here six years ago.

“I’m home,” Charlie calls as he pushes open the front door. “I bought someone with me, too.”

Inside it’s different. Charlie married Sue Clearwater right before we left, and since she moved in things have been repainted and rearranged to make it all a lot brighter and cosier and homier than it was. I look around awkwardly, and then Sue herself comes in from the kitchen, kissing Charlie on the cheek and then looking at me stunned.

“Nessie!” she says at last. “Well, this is a surprise.” She glances at Charlie, who shrugs out of his jacket and holds his hands up.

“Don’t ask me. I pulled her over just out of town…thought I’d better just bring her along home for the time being.”

“Well, don’t just stand there letting all the heat out, come on in,” Sue orders, and I follow them awkwardly into the kitchen, sitting on a kitchen chair and resting my chin in my hands. I’m starting to wish I’d thought this plan out a bit better.

“The roast is nearly done,” Sue informs Charlie. “Seth should be here for dinner any minute. So Nessie, what’s going on with you?”

I can’t tell from her dark eyes what she’s thinking. Charlie sits down across from me and waits for my answer as I fiddle with the charms on my bracelet. “I didn’t think this out very well,” I say softly. “I came down here because I wanted to talk to Jacob.”

“Well, a phone might have been easier there,” Charlie says sternly. “You shouldn’t have worried your family like this. And that car…but I won’t say anything more about that. Rosalie will say plenty once she gets hold of you, I’m sure.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I say. “I meant to call them but I don’t have my phone.” I know it sounds weak and I feel the familiar stirrings of guilt. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I was stupid, but Edward and Bella want to take me back to Alaska and…”

I stop talking as someone thumps down the stairs and into the room, and I’m face to face with possibly the only person in the whole who has ever really hated me- Leah Clearwater. It’s been six years since I’ve seen her last and she’s beautiful enough now to take my breath away, even if she is scowling at me.

“Come back to finish the job?” she asks sarcastically. “Couldn’t leave him alone after all?

“Leah!” Sue says sharply.

“Hi Leah,” I say steadily. I’ve never blamed Leah for hating me and my vampire family. If anyone has reason to hate the vampires and the wolf it’s Leah Clearwater.

Leah leans against the wall, her arms folded defensively across her chest. I can’t help staring at. She must have stopped phasing and started aging again, and for some reason I find the tiny signs of her aging shocking. Her hair is long now, and there are lines at the corners of her eyes that weren’t there six years ago.

“Does Jake know you’re here?” she asks.

I shake my head. “No. I don’t…” I glance helplessly around. I have no plan- all I wanted was to see Jacob and talk to him and see if he could help me untangle myself.

I’m saved by the banging of the front door, and Seth sweeps in on a wave of cool air and the smell of man-wolf that makes my heart beat faster with the familiarity of it. He must have run from LaPush in wolf form, because he’s wearing only shorts and pulling an unbuttoned plaid shirt on as he comes in with a beaming smile. “Hey Mom, Charlie…Ness! Oh wow, look at you….surely not baby Nessie Cullen all grown up!”

I laugh in embarrassment as Seth lifts me out of my chair and hugs me, and then the smell of him and the feel of all that hard muscle and masculine heat overwhelms me with thoughts of Jacob and I can’t stop the sob that escapes from my throat. And maybe Seth has experience with crying girls, but he just squeezes me even tighter for a minute and then places me back in my chair as if I’m as fragile as glass and I feel better.

  “Jake didn’t tell me you were coming,” he exclaims. “Hi Leah, didn’t see you over there.” He sits down at the table and grins around at everyone. “Smells good Mom, is it nearly ready?”

Sue begins dishing up, and I shake my head when she offers me some. After the blood this morning I don’t want anything, so I sit quietly while the others eat and talk casually. No one asks me to talk. When everyone else is done and only Seth is left steadily chewing his way through the remainder of the roast meat Charlie rises to his feet and hands me the phone.

“You’d better call Bella and Edward,” he says. “You can go in there for privacy if you want.”

I take the phone and head out into the hallway, eventually perching halfway up the stairs and reluctantly dialling.

“Ness? Charlie?”

“Hi Mom,” I say softly. “It’s me.” There’s a long silence. I can’t even hear her breathing. “I’m sorry,” I whisper eventually.

“What’s going on baby?” The love and concern in Bella’s voice nearly brings me undone, and I have to swallow hard. “We’ve been really worried about you today.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” I say. “I didn’t have my phone. I just thought that maybe it would be good if I got away for a little bit, and maybe looked at things from a different perspective. I wanted to talk to Jacob so I came here.”

“Have you seen him?” Bella asks.

“No.” I bite my lip. “Charlie pulled me over outside of town and now I’m here at his place. I guess I might stay here tonight and see Jacob tomorrow... Look, I am really sorry Mom. I know I messed up big time by taking off, but I was so angry with you and dad that I wasn’t thinking straight. I just feel like he won’t even listen to anything I say…that he’s decided I’m going to screw everything up and he’s just waiting for me to do it.”

“It’s hard for him,” Bella says gently. “It’s hard for me too. You grow so fast Renesmee that we feel like we’re always scrambling to keep up to where you are. It was as though one day you were our little girl, and then the next day you were a grown woman. I guess it’s like that for all parents, but everything is accelerated with you. You feel that you’re ready to take control of your life, but that doesn’t mean we’re instantly ready to let you go.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again, and this time I do mean it.

“I’m not telling you this as an excuse either,” Bella says carefully. “More an explanation…but you also mustn’t forget that Edward has faced losing everything he loves to the Volturi on more than one occasion. He doesn’t ever want to face that again, or have those fears become reality, and if sometimes he is a little too overprotective, it is because he wants to keep you safe at all costs. He loves you baby, and if you try and understand him a little more I know he will at least meet you halfway.”

Now I can’t stop the tears and for a moment there’s nothing but hideous snuffling and baby sobbing as I try and get control of myself. “You couldn’t have maybe sat me down and talked to me like this before I drove nine hours and _stole Rosalie’s car?!_ ” I finally exclaim with a choking laugh. “Momma…”

On the other end of the phone Bella laughs too, and while I know I’ve behaved ridiculously I also know it’s going to be okay. Except maybe for taking Rosalie’s car…it’s going to take something incredible to save me from the wrath that will have earned me.

“Oh Renesmee, would you have listened?” Bella says lovingly “You’re as stubborn as your father- I could talk myself blue in the face but if you’re not ready to listen, you’re not going to hear it.” She sighs. “Okay baby, let me talk to Charlie for a minute.”

“Okay. I love you Momma,” I say, and hold the phone tight and close my eyes as I hear the words echoed back to me.

“I love you too, Renesmee.”

I hand the phone to Charlie and then go and splash some water on my face in the bathroom before I slip into the living room. Seth and Leah are watching Jeopardy, and I sit on the end of the sofa, hugging my knees. Seth looks at me and grins and shakes his head.

“I can’t get over it Ness…you should still be a little girl! You freaky bloodsuckers!"

“Because turning into a giant wolf is so normal!” I retort, smiling as he laughs back at me.

“Yeah, I know…gotta just accept the quirks I guess.”

Leah scowls. “Are the rest of your blood sucking leech family coming?”

“No,” I say evenly, ignoring her tone. “I’m just here for a visit.”

Charlie and Sue come into the room and sit down too. “Bells asked if I’d keep you here for a couple of days,” Charlie says gruffly. “Apparently Rosalie is none too happy about the idea of you driving that car all the way home again, so they’re figuring out what to do about that. Might be that she’ll fly down and drive back with you.”

I blanch. The prospect of having to sit next to Rosalie for seven hours as she figuratively rips me to shreds over taking her car is a daunting one. Charlie must see my face because he chuckles suddenly and his eyes twinkle at me as he leans over and pats me awkwardly on the shoulder.

“It’s real good to see you again, Ness. It’s been too long.”

It has been. Bella has kept in touch with Charlie, something none of the others were ever able to do with their human families, but there are still so many secrets. He never came to Alaska and after we left we couldn’t come here, so it’s only been phone calls and video calls for the past six years. As I curl up and watch tv in this small, untidy and cosy house I realise how much I’ve missed it.

Eventually Seth stands up and stretches, unselfconsciously pulling off his shirt and tossing it over a chair. “I’m gonna head back,” he announces. “Ness, you want to come with me? You’ll have to run- we can see if you’ve still got it!”

Charlie coughs before I can answer. “I don’t think so Seth. Ness can stay here tonight and see Jake in the morning I think.”

I bite my lip to hide my smile, but truth is I’m exhausted after not sleeping last night and driving so long today. As much as I want to see Jacob, am _desperate_ to see Jacob, I also don’t know if I can handle such intense emotions without some rest. So I wave goodbye to Seth as he vanishes into the forest, and then reassure Sue and Charlie that I’ll be fine sleeping on the sofa (it’s either that or share Leah’s room and neither of us want that any more than the other), and finally they head upstairs and I’m on my own.

The sofa is surprisingly comfortable as I stretch out on it, but before I can sleep I need to check my email. I need to know what Jacob has said to my frantic, babbling email of early this morning so I haul my laptop out of my bag, and open it up to read.

_I’ve been thinking about what you wrote this morning, and I have to tell you that you weren’t wrong Ness. I wanted to tear the world up when you made me leave you, but you were right to do that. The whole imprinting thing was never fair on anyone. It wasn’t something we could help, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have some choice in how we reacted to the hand we were dealt._

_Living without you was brutally hard. It was like the centre was gone from my world, the string that anchored me to reality had snapped and I was just floating in nothingness. There were days when I didn’t know how I was going to get through to the night without you, but day by day I was still going and it got easier. I really thought it never would, and then one day I looked around and the sun was still in the sky and the trees were still green and the wind was still blowing and I started to realise what you’d given back to me. Choice._

_You gave me back the choices that I had hardly even noticed were gone once the world was all about you. Because once upon a time I was just Jake, not the wolf, and there were things I wanted out of life that didn’t have anything to do with the supernatural._

_I don’t want you to hurt and I don’t want you to doubt, because you’ll find your place Ness. The whole world is yours, and you don’t need to be human and you don’t need to be vampire to make it work…you just need to be you._

I close my laptop with shaking hands. I pushed him away. I gave him choices when he had had none. And now he’s happy without me…what have I done?


	23. Secrets Uncovered

I wake early, and listen to the sounds of the house as its occupants slowly rise. It seems uncomfortably close and personal to me in this small house, hearing Charlie and Sue and Leah all move from their beds, take turns in the bathroom and dress. I pull on my clothes from the previous day, jeans and sock monkey t-shirt, and braid my hair, anxiously wondering what the day will bring.

I go into the kitchen and drink milk, flushing crimson when they all come down to breakfast and I realise that I’ve drunk the last of it. I apologise profusely and offer to go and get more immediately- it never occurred to me that there wouldn’t be gallons in reserve like there always is at home. Charlie tells me not to worry and Sue just shrugs and drinks her tea black, but Leah glares as she swaps her dry breakfast cereal for a slice of toast and I curse my own lack of thought.

Sue heads off for work as soon as she’s finished eating, and Leah follows her out the door a few minutes later. She’s carrying a stack of books and Charlie tells me she’s living with them while she’s studying in Port Angeles for a while.

“Psychology, of all things,” he says. “She took off pretty soon after you left for Alaska, went right over to the East Coast and lived in New York for a while. I reckon she just wanted to get as far away from the reservation and all that went on here as she could. She worked and took care of herself pretty good, but she’s not a city girl. A couple of years ago Sue had a bit of a health scare, and I guess that got Leah feeling a bit homesick, because she came back then. Worked in town for a bit, and then decided to go to college. She’s doing really well, and Sue’s real proud.”

As much as Leah doesn’t like me, I’m actually happy to hear that her life is going well. More than anyone else Leah’s life was sacrificed to the demands of the wolf and the ancient promise of the Quileutes to protect the humans from vampires. There is something satisfying about knowing she is breaking away from the ties that could have kept her from her own life and dreams. As long as my family stays away, there will be no need for more wolves to act as protectors of the tribe here.

Charlie himself eats slowly, and then methodically cleans the kitchen. I offer to help but he shakes his head and tells me to sit down, it’ll be easier if he does it himself. He’s probably right- I really haven’t had much practise with domestic duties over my lifetime.

“Well,” he says finally, scratching his chin. “I guess you might want a ride out to La Push then?”

I hesitate. “Could you…could you take me over to our old place first?”

If Charlie’s surprised he doesn’t show it as he shrugs. “If that’s what you’d like. I don’t really want you driving around on your own, especially not in Rosalie’s car, so I told them I wouldn’t be in to the station today.” He pulls on his old hunting coat and tosses me one that might be Leah’s or Sue’s…it’s smaller than his anyway. “It’s meant to get cold today,” he tells me. “You’ll need a jacket.”

I don’t get cold, not really, but I obediently shrug into the coat and follow him out to the cruiser, sitting silently beside him as he zips along the familiar roads through the fog. The driveway is overgrown and bumpy with lack of use and he slows down then, but even so it feels too soon when the outline of the large white house I was born in looms in front of me.

I get out of the car slowly and walk over to the house. It is shuttered and locked up tight, but it has the unmistakeably abandoned look of an empty house. I don’t want to go inside it, I know there’s nothing there; I don’t even know exactly why I wanted to come here. The lawn is half dead and choked with weeds and the path to the fairy tale cottage Mom and Dad and I lived in for a while is so overgrown as to have disappeared, although I would know where to push through to find it. I don’t go there either, instead I sit down on the top step, resting my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands as I look out thoughtfully at the misty forest.

Charlie gives me a while, and then lumbers over to sit down beside me. The silence is easy and I feel myself relax, giving out an unconscious sigh.

“You think there’s any chance you’ll all ever move back?” Charlie asks me.

“No…not for a long time, anyway,” I say.

“Maybe in another hundred years or so, huh?” Charlie says in a low voice, and I chuckle without any real humour.

“Something like that I guess.” I look across at him, noting the grey that is starting to take over his hair. “You know then? Know about what they are?”

Charlie shrugs. “I worked it out. I mean, after Jacob phased in front of me…well, Bells always had a don’t ask- don’t tell policy, and you know, for a long time I was happy with that. But being with Sue…I’ve heard some of the old Quileute legends and it wasn’t hard to put it all together.” Charlie’s voice drops. “The Cold Ones.”

“The Cold Ones,” I repeat slowly. “Vampires.”

Charlie looks at me sideways. “And you…?”

“Half,” I tell him quietly. “Mom- Bella and Edward made me on their honeymoon, while she was still human. It wasn’t like a normal pregnancy, nothing like it…and they had to turn her when I was born or else she would have died.” I feel the long familiar stab of guilt and I bite my lip.

“I hope you don’t think that’s your fault,” Charlie says gruffly. “That Bells…did whatever she did to become one of them. She would have done it anyway. From the first moment she saw him I reckon she would have done damn near anything to stay with Edward.”

“Do you really think so?” I say uncertainly. The knowledge that it was me, my existence, that had led directly to my mother’s vampire transformation is something that has always festered deep in my secret heart. Hearing Charlie say in his pragmatic human way that it wasn’t my fault and that Bella had always been set on this course goes a surprisingly long way to lightening my heart.

“No doubt in my mind,” Charlie sighs. “Even as a little girl she’d set her heart on things and wouldn’t ever change her mind. Once she saw Edward Cullen, that was it. No matter who or what tried to change her mind after that she was bound and determined that they’d be together.” He looks at me. “So if you’re half human and half….like the rest of them, do you…eating, I mean…” He’s nearly blushing.

I smile. “I can do either human food or blood. I seem to thrive on either.”

We’re quiet for several minutes before I say, with a slight lift of amusement in my voice, “I can’t believe you worked it out and never said anything! And Bella has always been so careful in front of you and so insistent that no one ever do anything out of the ordinary where you might see!”

Charlie barks with laughter. “Oh, she was so fired up at the start that I shouldn’t know anything, I didn’t want to upset her by telling her I figured it out!”

I giggle, and then sober up. “It is dangerous though Charlie,” I look at him entreatingly. “Please believe that and don’t underestimate just how bad it could be. There are other vampires, not just my family, and they can be merciless. If they find out you know…”

“Oh, don’t worry yourself about that,” Charlie says comfortably. “I reckon I know how to keep a secret after all this time. You don’t even have to tell Bells and Edward that I know if you don’t want to. We can just go on like we always have, and it’ll be just between you and me.”

I smile, and rest my head against his shoulder. “That might be best.”

“So, you’re not getting along so well with your mom and dad then?” Charlie says after a while.

I sigh. “Not lately. It’s been difficult since we moved to Oregon. It’s the first time I’ve been to school and made friends outside the family, and it has made them anxious.” I give Charlie a wry smile. “The secrecy isn’t only a rule for you! There was a lot that went on when they all lived here in Forks, and they don’t want a repeat of that. I’m still learning how to pass for ordinary, and they haven’t been that happy with how I’ve been doing it. Basically pretty ordinary parent and kid stuff I guess!”

Charlie chuckles. “Sounds pretty ordinary to me, Ness. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who hasn’t butted heads with their parents. Just part of growing up.”

“I’m kind of coming to realise that.” My fingers run across the well-worn leather of my Cullen wrist cuff. “It doesn’t help when your dad is over a hundred and ten years old though…that gives new meaning to the idea of a generation gap, you know?”

Charlie laughs. “Yeah, you might be right about that.” He shakes his head as he mumbles, “Over a hundred years old…”

I giggle. It feels so strangely freeing to talk of these things openly to someone not in the family’s inner circle! “He was lonely for a long time before he found Bella. He wasn’t alone- he always had Carlisle and then the others as they came along and joined the family, but he felt that he was ultimately on his own,” I tell Charlie, feeling the truth of it as I say the words. Understanding of Edward, and more compassion than I have felt for him for some time, flickers within me. “After nearly a hundred years of that he found Bella, and then they had me…I guess it’s hard for him to really accept that we’re not going anywhere, and he overcompensates for his fear of losing us by trying to eliminate every single risk. Real AND imagined.”

“That makes sense,” Charlie says. “And speaking as a dad…” he looks at me almost shyly. “I know how much he must love his baby girl.”

I nod without speaking, and for a long time we sit in companionable silence. As lovely as it is though, I did not come to Forks just to sit on my old porch and reminisce. Despite the uncertainties swirling in my head and making my belly flutter, I need to go and see Jacob and face whatever there will be between us now.

“Can you drive me out to the reservation?” I ask hesitantly.

Charlie hauls himself to his feet. “Sure. It’ll be good to catch up with Billy.”

It’s a silent drive. I sit stiffly, my arms wrapped across my chest, staring out at the road and listening to the back and forth talk on the police radio. The mix of anticipation and dread about seeing Jacob has my stomach in knots. I wonder what Charlie knows about Jacob and I, but I don’t ask him.

I can feel him, as soon as I open the door of the cruiser and step out into the cool air outside the Black’s old home. _Jacob._ The very air seems to hum with his presence and I shove my hands into my pockets to hide their tremble. _Jacob. Jacob. Jacob._ I bite back the howl that fights to sound from my throat, but I can’t do anything about the desperate, hopeless whimper that insists upon escaping.

Charlie’s brows are drawn in concern as he looks at me over the hood. “You okay, Ness?” he asks. “If you don’t want…” There must be something in my eyes, because he shakes his head and says in a rough voice. “Never mind. Jake’ll be in the garage. I’ll be inside with Billy- you call me if you need me, hear?”

I nod and, with steady and deliberate footsteps, turn and make my way to the garage. I move noiselessly on the grass, but it doesn’t matter…just as I can feel the vibrations of his proximity in the air he can feel me, and I see the figure separate from the shadows at the rear of the garage and come towards me.

_Jacob._


	24. Jacob

  _Jacob._

I can scarcely breathe as I look at him, standing in the doorway of the garage in a pair of torn and grease stained jeans, wiping his hands slowly on a dirty rag. All I want to do is fling myself into his arms and have him hold me. I want to feel surrounded by solid masculine heat and muscle and breathe in the smell of him, familiar and beloved. _Mine. My Jacob…I’m so sorry._ I press my hands harder into my pockets and hunch my shoulders against the temptation, staring at him mutely.

There are tiny changes. His skin, always brown, is lighter than it was when I said goodbye to him in the Alaskan summer. His hair is shorter and sticking up in spikes where he has run a careless hand through it, and there is more than a day’s shadow of beard on his face. He seems leaner, and there is a wary distance in his eyes as he looks at me that cuts into me like a knife.

_What did I do to you? Jacob, my own, mine…I’m so sorry I hurt you._

  His lips are tight, blanched with the intensity with which he’s pressing them together. Then he tosses the rag onto the workbench behind him and smiles, and it’s like the sun breaking through the clouds. A flash of white teeth and a crinkle in his eyes and suddenly he’s _there_ , the same Jacob who has stood behind me my whole life and been my best friend and brother and protector and confidante.

My eyes burn with tears, but I can’t let them fall. I can’t let him see my need, my want, not now…not when I pushed him away and hurt him, not when he has earned his freedom through such excruciating, painstaking effort. I force myself to breathe, to stand up straight and smile without any betraying quiver of emotion.

“I wondered when I’d see you,” Jacob’s voice is slightly hoarse. Emotion or something else? I can’t tell. He swallows hard. “Seth came by this morning and told me you were at Charlie and Sue’s place.”

I nod. I can’t make my mouth form words, and again there are long moments of staring before Jacob breaks the tension with a gentle laugh. “Don’t tell me the cat’s got your tongue, Ness!”

For a minute I turn away and press my hands across my face. _I don’t know what to say Jacob. I don’t know how to explain what I’ve been doing and thinking and feeling. I don’t have the words to explain emotions this big._

I swing back to face him, and I think I’m smiling normally. “It’s good to see you. It’s been a while.”

Jacob is still staring at me. “It has. You…you look different.”

“Really?” My voice is little more than a whisper. “I do?”

“Yeah,” Jacob steps closer and raises a hand as if to touch my face, but stops before it reaches my skin. I know it’s impossible, but I think I feel the heat of it radiating from his skin and prickling across mine. I’m not sure that I have ever wanted anything in my life as much as I want to feel his fingertips on my cheek right now.

“Your cheeks are just a wee bit less full. You hold your mouth a tiny bit tighter and your chin is more determined. Your torso is fractionally longer now, and your hair has grown another three inches, and the curve of your neck...” Jacob’s voice drifts off. I don’t even think he’s fully aware that he’s talking out loud. “You smell different too. The same, but…more…” A wave of red washes across his face and I shudder as if the space between us is carrying an electric charge. _Sometimes it’s like you know me better than I know myself._

I draw in a shaky breath and step away, looking past him and in to the garage. “What are you working on?”

“Nothing that exciting,” Jacob steps away hastily, almost as if he’s relieved. “Paul’s selling his truck to buy something else for when the baby comes, but it needs a bit of work first. I’ve been doing a bit of mechanical work for a few people, just making a bit of cash. Mostly keeping old heaps on the road…nothing Rosalie would even spit on.” A ghost of a smile crosses his face. “How is Blondie anyway?”

I wander across to the workbench, feeling myself relax in the familiar garage environs. How many hours have I spent sitting in cars reading and playing while Jake and Rosalie throw insults and work on engines? This garage is old and untidy and crowded, nothing like the pristine space Rosalie keeps, but it has the same smells of grease and polish and metal and it makes me yearn for those simple times.

“Rosalie’s good,” I say, running my hand over the pieces of engine laid out so carefully on the bench top. “Although…well, actually she’s pretty furious right now. I kind of…borrowed…the Lexus to drive down here, and didn’t really ask her…”

I hear Jacob’s snort of laughter and I look at him with my own guilty smile. “Kind of _borrowed_ it?” he exclaims. “You know there are easier ways to commit suicide Ness!”

I laugh out loud at that and turn away again, and a moment later I feel the flesh on my back prickling as he moves to stand beside me, still not touching me, both of us staring out of the small, dirt encrusted window to the house beyond.

“Why are you here?” he asks quietly. “What’s really going on Ness?”

_Because I want you. Because there is a huge empty place in my life when you’re not in it. Because whenever anything happens to me- anything happy or sad or frustrating or joyous or triumphant - YOU are the first person I always want to tell. Because I miss the way you smile, I miss the way you laugh at my jokes, I miss the way you make me feel when I know that you’re near. Because I love you, damn it all to hell…_

I don’t say any of it. I give voice to none of the words that are screaming in my brain and making my heart ache. He’s making his own life, like Leah he’s giving Fate the finger and making up his own life. He gave everything up for me when I was born and he’s only just finding it now…I can’t take it away again. My head droops.

“Come with me,” Jacob says after a pause, his voice still quiet. “I’ve got something to show you.”

He leads the way out of the garage and around to the barn that sits further back on the property. This shed is made of greying wood and looks old and dilapidated, but the huge barn doors are stout and the hinges are quiet when Jacob pulls them open.

I stand stock still, barely believing what I’m seeing. “Is that… _Mom’s truck?!_ ”

It’s the same make and type as the rusty old Chevy I remember Mom showing me when I was little, but this truck has been completely rebuilt and resprayed shiny red and looks gorgeous.

Jacob laughs with his eyes on my face to watch my reaction. “Yeah. Well, it _was_ Bella’s truck. There’s not actually that much of the original left in it now that it’s done. Pretty good, hey?”

“I’m sure Mom’ll love it,” I say flatly. All my jealousy and resentments and feelings of alienation all seem to come together in a sudden burning feeling of rejection. Jacob has spent hours on this, and he’s done it for _her._ For Bella, who he loved before the vampire and the wolf, the person he loved before the wolf imprinted and he lost everything, the person he loved and fought to keep human because _that_ was what he wanted, that ordinary human love and life where vampires and werewolves and things like me are no more than myth… I turn and stumble blindly out of the barn.

“What the hell? Ness!” Jacob follows me. “Ness!”

I stop, but don’t look at him, feeling the tempest within as I struggle to contain my emotions.

“I didn’t do it for Bella,” Jacob says quietly. I risk a glance and see him looking at me with his beautiful face and sad, brown eyes. “I fixed it up for you.”

I can’t look away from him. “Really? For me?”

Jacob nods slowly. “Yeah. When Edward bought Bella the Guardian he put the Chevy into storage over at their place. He was going to junk it a couple of years ago but I couldn’t see that happen to the old girl. When I came back during the summer I needed a project and, well…” He shrugs.

I go back into the barn, running my hand over the new paint job, which looks as slick and dark red as blood. “It’s beautiful,” I say softly. “You did a really wonderful job.”

Jacob holds open the door and I climb in behind the wheel as he swings himself up beside me. Even the wide bench seat has been reupholstered, and the dark leather feels rich and smooth as I stroke it. “You should thank Rosalie too,” he says lightly. “When I called Carlisle to ask him about opening up the storage building over there he must have told her what I was going to do.” He reaches into the glove box and hands me a note, the elegant script on it instantly recognisable as Rosalie’s handwriting.

_Jake- Good luck on the rebuild and restoration. You’ll need it for that tank! Use the enclosed money to make it good. Try and return it, or don’t use it and skimp on the mechanics, and I’ll break every bone in your flea ridden body- use the damn money to fix the truck and made it perfect for our Ness._

 Oh, how typically Rosalie! I giggle and hand the notepaper back to Jacob, who folds it and replaces it absently in the glove box.

“Why would you think I fixed the truck for Bella?” he asks quietly.

I can’t look at him. “Because she was the one you loved when there wasn’t all this supernatural fate controlling your life. I’ve always known that. I’ve always known that you loved her first…that I was just some kind of consolation prize.” I bite my lip, horrified to realise that I have just given voice to my deepest and most secret fear.

“Nessie,” Jacob says my name in a low voice, and my heart thumps almost painfully as his hand covers mine, the heat of it engulfing my much smaller fingers. “I did love Bella once. But I was a kid and she was the first girl that ever looked at me. Really, I’d just turned into a giant freaking wolf, I was turning inside out with teenage hormones and wolf rage and she was so hung up on Edward that it was as much the challenge of getting what wasn’t mine that was so appealing…” His eyes bore in to mine. “Yeah, I loved her…but from the moment I saw you there was never anything or anyone else in my life.”

“But that’s the imprinting,” I whisper. “You didn’t _choose_ me Jake.”

Jacob frowns thoughtfully. “At first it was. For a long time it was…the imprinting was something outside me and I was in it so deep that I couldn’t even conceive of anything else except being with you. But then you sent me away and that changed everything.” He looks at me steadily. “I can’t turn the imprint off Ness. It is what it is. But there’s more to what I feel for you than that.”

I can’t look away from him, and he looks into my face with open and honest eyes as his mouth curves up into that familiar smile. “The imprint binds me to you, but it’s not the imprint that makes me laugh at your stupid jokes. It’s not the imprint that makes me read something or see something or hear something and immediately think _oh, I’ve got to tell Ness_. It wasn’t the imprint that made me upgrade my phone so I could check my email ten times a day in case you messaged me! That’s all just me, Ness…me and you.”

“Jake...” My heart is thumping and my belly is fluttering with a sudden, desperate hope. _Maybe…_

“There aren’t any rules for this,” Jacob says quietly. “We don’t have examples to follow or a clear path ahead of us. It is what is it, and we are what we are and we’ve just got to deal with the hand we’ve been dealt. And that includes imprinting, and werewolves and bloodsucking leeches…” he grins and winks at me, and I bite my lip to stop my laughter. “We have to make our own lives. It’s up to us, in the end, what we do.”

“That’s what I was trying to understand when I made you leave,” I say slowly. “I didn’t know how to be me and make my own life with so many of you around me always telling me what I was. I was lost in trying to be what everyone wanted me to be, it felt like I had no idea what I wanted or who I was anymore. I needed space to see things more clearly.” I can’t look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you like I did. I didn’t want to…I just didn’t know any other way.”

His big, strong hands reach over and gently cup my face, and it feels like the world stops turning as he turns my head and makes me look at him. “It was the right thing to do,” he says, and his low voice is fierce with painful honesty. “You needed space to grow up, and I guess I needed space to grow up too…I was wrong Ness, to stay as long as I did. I was selfish, and I made the imprint feel like an obligation for you because I was too selfish and too afraid to do the right thing and leave you alone. It shouldn’t have been like that. I’m sorry I forced you to be the one who brought the truth out into the open because I know how hard that must have been… But I’m glad you did it.”

His hands on my face, tears in my eyes and my lip trembling with emotion I don’t know what to say. Jacob leans his head forward until our foreheads are touching and I gasp and whimper as all my senses flare at his closeness. “I’m glad you did it,” he repeats, “I’m glad you sent me away because it gave me the chance to find you again…but find you like this, not as my imprint or as Bella’s daughter or as anything other than yourself…just you and me Ness. That’s all.”

This time there are no words. No hesitation, no doubts and no fears. Just Jacob, his heat and energy and love surrounding me as I press my lips against his and kiss him. _Mine. Home. Always._

My hands are already there, touching his skin, and I don’t know if it’s my gift or my kisses or just because it has always been the truth between us, but I know he knows. _I love you Jacob._


	25. Building Bridges

For a long time we sit in the cab of the truck, not moving or speaking, just wrapped up in being together. Jacob pulls me into his lap and I sit with my face buried in his chest, breathing in the smell of him, feeling the hardness of his muscles as his arms encircle me and the warmth of his skin and the steady beat of his heart.

I slide one hand up until I’m touching his cheek, feeling the softness of his skin and the coarse, scratchy stubble of his facial hair. _I love you. Don’t go away again._

Jacob runs his hands through my hair from the crown of my head to the small of my back, pressing his lips against my temple. “I love you too Ness.” He rests his face in my hair, breathing quietly for a minute before he gently guides my face out of his chest so he can look at me. “Tell me how you came to be here in Forks. You’ve said a lot in your emails, but what else is going on?”

In a mix of spoken words, and images and thoughts passed directly through my hand on his skin, I tell Jacob about the party, about being careless and casual and drunk, and the conversations that followed with Edward and Bella and their decision to take me out of school and end this particular human experience.

“I didn’t even think of coming here as running away,” I say slowly. “Even though I guess it was, and I _know_ it was stupid. I was just so tangled up and angry and all I could think about was talking to you. So that’s why I came here.” I look down, seeing the skin of Jacob’s knees and thigh through the rips in his jeans.

“I’m glad you did,” he says sincerely.

“I really wanted to go to school and try something new,” I say in a small voice. “I had such hopes for it, and really expected it to work out. I grew up in such an isolated way- we might have travelled all over the world, but it felt like my own world was so very, very small Jake. Just my family and you. It started to feel like a cage…a very beautiful, luxurious cage and I was a spoiled little bird inside it, but all of that didn’t mean I was any closer to freedom.”

“Little bird,” Jacob murmurs, and his eyes drop to the bracelet he made me that is fastened around my wrist. “Go on.”

I frown, following the thread of my own tangled feelings and patiently trying to make sense of them. “I was always aware of my differences to the rest of the family. It was hard not to be; I grew, I changed, I slept, I ate- no one else did those things. As I got older I started feeling so alienated from them because I’m not a vampire and they all are. Going to school was like a chance to try being human, but it turns out I don’t fit in any better with humans either.” I pause for a moment, and my fingers link through Jacob’s as I take his hand. “I learned about loneliness Jake. I never knew, until these past few months, what it was like to be lonely.”

He holds me closer then, and I rest my head on his shoulder so I can feel his breath on my hair. The warmth of him, the absence of tension in my body because I’m here touching him, the rhythmic beating of his heart under my hand…I feel almost dreamy and unreal here with him.

“It’s like I had to see what I didn’t have, to really understand what I _did_ have,” I murmur. “I’m not a vampire, or a human, but I can play at being either one if I want to.” I laugh lightly. “In a way I have the best of both worlds. And I have _you_.”

    Jacob chuckles, and I feel the vibrations of the sound. “For as long as you want me Ness.” He slides me gently off his lap and once again makes me look at him. “I meant what I said before. The imprint is there, will always be there- but that doesn’t have to dictate what we mean to each other, and what we are when we’re together. Yes?”

I nod. “Yes.” This feels right, being here with him. It’s different to the way it was before he left too, he’s looking at me not as a child but as an equal. I think that maybe we both needed to move apart in order to find each other, needed that distance to look at each other with fresh eyes.

“What now?” Jake asks me cautiously. “I mean, it sounds like you left things pretty up in the air back in Oregon.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I did. I’m not really sure what I want to do.” I bite my lip thoughtfully. “Really, I kind of want to finish going to school. I like it- I like what I’m learning about the human world, I like my friends, I even quite like doing the school work when it comes down to it. I really don’t want Bella and Edward to drag me back to Alaska like a naughty child. I do recognise that I haven’t been very circumspect, but I don’t think I’ve been so bad. I can make changes to make it safer; it doesn’t require us giving up completely.”

“I think, if you talk to them like you’re talking to me now, Bella and Edward will listen to you,” Jacob says thoughtfully. “Maybe not agree with you, but at least listen. I would think Carlisle and Esme might have a bit to say as well- the three of you suddenly taking off is going to make it awkward for those left behind, and I don’t think they’re ready to move on just yet. I know Carlisle is really enjoying practising medicine again instead of doing research.”

“You talk to Carlisle?” I say in surprise.

“Esme calls me every week,” Jacob admits. “Not to report on you or anything,” he adds hastily. “I mean, she’d tell me you were doing okay, but that was all. She just wanted to check up on me.” The blush heating his cheeks makes him look suddenly younger and more vulnerable. “You know how she mothers everyone. But I guess, well, I haven’t had my mom for a long time,” he says quietly. “It meant a lot to me that Esme called after I left, and kept calling.”

I smile, touched. “She’s not the only one who missed you,” I tell him with a laugh. “Rosalie did a lot of work on the Corvette you know.”

Jacob eyes light up as he laughs, and then his brows lower in concern as he looks at my face. “What is it?”

“Rosalie,” I mutter. “Every time I think about having to face her after taking the car I feel sick. I mean, I really feel bad about taking the car, but I’m not sure remorse is going to be enough to satisfy Rosalie!”

“You haven’t talked to her yet?” Jacob says in surprise.

I shake my head. “No. I would have, but I don’t have my phone. I kind of smashed it because I was mad that Edward put a GPS tracker on it.”

“Sounds like something he’d do,” Jacob grins, digging in his pocket and then handing me his phone. “Go on then, give her a call and at least say sorry. She can’t kill you through the phone.”

I make a face at him but take the phone and key in the number, waiting until she answers. “Hi Rosalie.”

“Renesmee Carlie Cullen, if I had you within my reach…” I hear the noise as Rosalie snaps her teeth together and cringe.

“I’m sorry I took your car,” I say in a rush. “I am really, _really_ sorry. But I swear it doesn’t have a scratch on it, I was really careful and…”

“You were _pulled over by the police!”_

Jacob grimaces as he hears her, and with a sympathetic pat on my knee he exits the truck and heads rapidly for the door. Coward.

“It was only Charlie,” I protest. “I promise that was the only time I was speeding- I was just so close to Forks and so tired of driving.”

“How fast were you going?” she demands.

“Sixty,” I confess, bracing myself for her rage.

“Oh god, is that all?” Rosalie says in disgust. “Really Ren, the car is capable of much better than that. No wonder it took you such a damn long time to get to Forks.”

I can’t help laughing. “I’ll try and do better next time.”

“Oh, there will be no next time!” Rosalie exclaims. “No Ren, don’t think I’m going to just forget this! You _stole my Lexus_ …a lifetime of servitude to me is only the beginning for you.”

“I really am sorry,” I say softly. “I’m sorry for taking the car, for just disappearing without telling anyone where I was going…for everything.”

“I know,” Rosalie’s voice is surprisingly gentle. “But next time you need space, you don’t need to steal a car and drive across two states to get it Ren. You can just ask.”

“Yeah.” I look down at my knees. “I know I overreacted.”

“Well, you _are_ Edward’s daughter,” Rosalie says, a little tartly. “You did learn from the master of overreaction, after all. We should all be thankful that you didn’t go bolting off to Volterra.” She pauses. “Speaking of Edward, I don’t think you need to worry about being dragged off to exile in Alaska quite yet. No one else wants to move. Carlisle said that while he would pack up and move in a minute if it were necessary, but he’s not going to leave a job he’s enjoying after six months because you got drunk at a party. Esme hasn’t finished doing her renovations. And of course, Emmett and I don’t want to leave school and miss this chance to add to our collection of high school diplomas.” On the other end of the phone Rosalie giggles.

I take a deep breath, feeling the strained feeling in my heart lessen as easily as if Jasper were beside me sending me peaceful vibes. “I know I haven’t been as careful out in the human world as I could be,” I say hesitantly. “I haven’t been as thoughtful of the rest of you as you have been of me, and I’m sorry for that.”

“We can talk about it when you get back,” Rosalie says. “But right now I want you to please explain to me, Miss Renesmee, what exactly you are doing calling me on Jacob Black’s phone.”

“I love him,” I say simply. “I need him in my life Rosalie.” I feel the wooden carvings against the skin of my wrist and smell the new leather smell in the truck he has so lovingly repaired for me, and I can’t hold back the smile. “I don’t know what that means in practical terms right now, but I know that it’s true.”

“Oh well,” Rosalie sighs dramatically. “I suppose every family needs a dog.” But I can hear the smile in her voice and I only giggle. “I’m going to fly up there to get my car,” she goes on, a little more sternly. “And you, for that matter. I’ve convinced Edward to let me collect you, rather than him charging up there like he originally wanted to, but you’re coming back here Ren. I’ve found a private plane that will take me right to Forks airport and I will get there sometime tomorrow- I realise you don’t have a phone anymore, so can I call you on Jacob’s phone and he’ll be able to give you a message?”

“Yeah,” I say. “He’ll know where I am.” The thought of leaving him tomorrow has the bottom falling out of my fleeting contentment. Surely I haven’t found him again only to lose him almost immediately? “I’ll meet you at the airport.”

I slip out of the truck, feeling the satisfying clunk as I slam the door shut behind me, and walk out of the barn and towards the house. Inside I find Charlie and Billy at the kitchen table, Jacob slicing tomatoes and cheese over at the bench.

“You’re still alive then?” he says to me over his shoulder.

I grimace. “She is NOT happy with me, but I think I’ll be forgiven eventually. I just spoke to Rosalie,” I explain to Charlie.

“Hi Ness, how are you?” Billy says. His eyes are wary as they look from me to Jacob, and I realise with a pang that he doesn’t trust me, not since I hurt Jake the way I did.

“I’m good,” I say quietly.

“Want some lunch?” Jacob asks, piling tomatoes, cheese and lettuce on a sandwich and handing it to Billy, before making another for Charlie.

I shake my head. “No food. Do you have any milk?”

“Help yourself.” While I pour my milk Jacob passes a sandwich to Charlie and makes some for himself, adding about an inch of honey baked ham to the top of his before he sits down. He frowns at me quizzically. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? I can find you something else besides a sandwich if you want.”

I shake my head, sipping the milk slowly. It’s skim, not as good as the regular milk I drink at home, but it will do. “I don’t eat so much anymore,” I say, thinking back. “I just don’t want it. Only milk really, and sometimes I want steak or yoghurt or eggs, but nothing else really appeals.”

“What does Carlisle say?” Jake asks.

I shrug. “I haven’t really talked to him. I meant to, but I feel fine.”

“It’s probably because you’re not growing anymore,” Jacob says casually, around a mouthful of food. “You don’t need it as much now.” He swallows. “Is Blondie coming up to get her car?”

I finish my milk and place the glass over on the sink, staring out the little window at the dripping world outside. “Yes. She’s found a private pilot who’ll bring her right to Forks airport- she’s going to message on your phone when she knows what time. It will be tomorrow.” I hesitate. “She’s going to take me back with her.”

“Okay.” Jacob keeps eating, seemingly unperturbed. “Do you want to stay here this afternoon? I’ll drive you back to Charlie’s tonight.”

In the end that’s what we do. Charlie bids farewell to Billy and Jacob with a wave, and gives me an awkward hug. “Are you okay now?” he asks me quietly as he does so. “If you want me to come back for you, just call.”

I nod, feeling warm in the face of his love and concern. “Thank you. But things with Jacob are good- I’ll be okay.” I wave as the cruiser takes off down the dirt road.

“Beach?” Jacob asks, and I smile.

“Yes please.” I love the La Push beach. I love the stormy grey skies and the damp, pebbled shoreline, the scream of the gulls and the sound of the breaking waves. I love that this has always been my place, separate from the rest of my family because it was somewhere that they couldn’t really follow me. Somewhere I could play, safe with Jacob and my wolf pack protectors, and at least taste what it was like to be free. 


	26. The Simplicity of Mine

Jacob and I walk slowly along the shoreline, stooping down every now and then to pick up a particularly smooth stone and fling it in to the water. I take off my shoes and walk in bare feet, feeling the icy waves tickling my toes, Jacob’s warm hand laced through mine. Finally we stop and Jacob sits on a rock, pulling me down to sit in his lap with my back against his chest, his arms wrapped around me and holding me against him.

“I don’t want to go back without you,” I say into the silence. “Not now that I know what it is I feel for you.”

Jacob’s arms tighten, and I feel his lips in my hair. “I know.”

My heart, so recently buoyed up with joy, is starting to feel heavy. “It’s not going to be that simple though.”

“Nothing ever is.” There’s a long pause. “I can’t just drop everything here and come back with you. There’s my dad, and Rachel and the baby and Paul- I have to sort things out with them. There’s the work I’ve been doing as well, yeah it’s not like a formal job but I don’t want to leave people in the lurch after I’ve promised them I’ll do it.”

The lump in my throat stops me talking, but I nod wordlessly and then Jacob continues. “And even if I did come back with you…what am I going to do while you’re at school? Just hang around the house and wait for you to come home so I can watch you do your homework? I’m going to need more than that. The other thing…” Jacob pauses, and then his hand cups my face and turns it to the side so he can look at me, and kiss away the tears that are starting to leak out from under my eyelashes despite myself. His lips move across my eyelids and down my cheeks to meet my lips, and I twist in his arms so that I can reach up and curl my hands in hair to hold him to me. So hot and fierce and desperately wanting… _I love you. Don’t leave me._

“There’s _that_ ,” Jacob says hoarsely, tearing himself away from me. His lips are parted, his breath fast, and his eyes are burning as they look at me. I’m the same way, and as I shift my weight on his lap I can feel how much he wants me and the heat, a potent mix of embarrassment and my own desire floods through me, staining my cheeks red.

“I never felt this for you before, not ever,” Jacob says, his voice cracking with the effort of speaking calmly. “Not this desire, not….not like I wanted to consume every part of you, always…it never felt like this. Not until you walked into my garage today, and it hit me like a freaking meteor. The idea of _mine_ suddenly took on a whole new meaning.”

I swallow hard, because I felt it too. All those years of togetherness, of loving him in the most innocent and platonic way possible, were shattered when I looked at him and smelled him again today after such a long absence. Now that feeling of possession burns with a streak of desire, of wanting every part of him, all of him, to be mine. _Mine. My Jacob, my own._

“I don’t know how well that’s going to go down with Edward,” Jacob says with a low chuckle. “He can read my mind, you know! It’s always worked in my favour when it comes to you, because even when everyone else thought the imprinting was some freaky shit he _knew_ what it was. But now…” His eyes on mine are almost hypnotic, and I move close enough to feel the prickliness of the facial hair against the skin of my cheek, and the beautifully soft counterpoint of his lips on mine as he murmurs, “Well, Edward isn’t going to like what I’m thinking _now_ , not at all…”

This time I’m the one who breaks the kiss, hiding my face against his chest to shield my emotion. “I understand. We’ll work something out.”

 “We will,” Jacob tips my face up, his eyes searching mine. “Don’t doubt me Ness, please. I love you and I want to be with you- the idea of letting you go tomorrow is killing me. But we’ve seen what happens when we rush, and force what we’re not ready for…we need to take this slow. We have forever, my beautiful one.” A smile lights up his face as he looks at me. “Forever Ness- we’ll make it work.”

I take a deep breath and nod. “You’re right. I have to sort things out with Edward and Bella, and think about school.” My fingers twist anxiously in his shirt. “I’m just scared to let you go,” I say, my voice low. “I missed you so much.”

“Don’t be scared,” Jacob responds, his arms tightening around me. “Have I ever let you down Ness?” I shake my head, and he smiles at me. “No, I haven’t. And you’ll be fine without me right next to you for a little while longer- I know you’ve had a hard time these past few months Ness, but you’ve done well. You’re so much stronger and more able than you give yourself credit for.” His hands rub comforting circles on my belly. “It’s only a few weeks until Christmas. I’ll come and see you then…you can wait until then?”

I can wait. Jacob has pointed out what I know is true- I’ve managed okay without him. I’ve made mistakes, but they’ve been _my_ mistakes and I’ll be the one to fix them now. Because if I’m not going to be a child anymore I have to take responsibility for what I do, the good and the bad of it.

“I’ll come down to Oregon for Christmas,” Jacob promises, adding with a laugh. “I’ll bring you your truck- by then you might have been forgiven for taking off in Rose’s car and they might let you drive it!”

I laugh and jump happily off his lap, taking him by the hand and smiling at him. “Let’s keep walking.” I can wait until Christmas, and maybe by then we’ll have sorted out some of the obstacles that stand in our way. Either way, I trust him…after all, he has never let me down before.

We spend the afternoon on the beach. Alone at first, we are later joined by several members of the pack, drifting down on to the beach to talk and laugh with us. So much the same, all of them- Jacob’s brothers and now mine too, because with his arm slung around my shoulder and the love for him that fills my heart I know I belong here too. _Mine. Home._ It occurs to me that instead of feeling as though I don’t belong anywhere I really am lucky enough to belong both here with Jacob’s family and wherever my Cullen vampire family happens to be. With so many people behind me I never need to feel the loneliness I have felt over the past few months- all I need to do is reach out a hand and I’ll find someone willing to take it.

Jacob takes me back to Charlie’s in the early evening. He phases to wolf-Jacob, and I take a moment to fill my hands with the thick soft fur and bury my face in it just to breathe in the scent that is so familiar and beloved I feel my heart expand. He licks me, covering half my face with his huge, rough tongue and I shriek and roll him over, running fast away from him as he bounds after me. Oh, I’ve missed this! This strength and speed and this magical half real, half supernatural world that Jacob and I inhabit together!

Back at Charlie and Sue’s place Jacob and I sit down with them for dinner. Jacob eats three bowls of pasta and talks a lot as I sit back and drink my milk contentedly. I daydream, letting the conversation wash over and around me, conscious mostly of the way Jacob’s jean-clad thigh feels against mine under the table and the way it feels when he brushes my hand with his fingers as he reaches for more cheese.

Leah arrives home as we’re settling down in the living room to watch television. She kisses her mother on the cheek and nods at Charlie, then looks at Jacob sprawled out on the end of the sofa with me tucked up under his arm and shakes her head.

“You’re a glutton for punishment Jake,” she says with a sigh. “You don’t feel you’ve been screwed over enough yet?” I am surprised that rather than anger her voice holds only rueful amusement.

Jake’s fingers caress my shoulder and he grins at her. “Not yet. May as well give her another chance to _completely_ destroy me.”

I scowl at him and Leah laughs. “I give up on you Jake, I really do. Ness…what can I say? Be nice to my boneheaded alpha dog this time.”

I half expect Jacob to get mad, but his body just vibrates with a low chuckle. “She will Leah, you don’t have to worry about it. You were right, I was wrong…”

Leah rolls her eyes and disappears into the kitchen, and I hear the noise of the microwave as she heats herself some dinner. I want to ask Jacob about what he and Leah were really talking about, but it’s not until much later that I get a chance.

Sue and Leah head up to bed first, and as time ticks by Charlie scowls at Jacob and says gruffly, “Don’t you have a home to go to?”

Jacob doesn’t take his arm from my shoulder as he smiles at Charlie. “You can go to bed, we don’t need a chaperone. Edward and Bella let me _live_ with her you know.”

“Yes, but you weren’t looking at her like _that_ back then,” Charlie mutters, but he hauls himself to his feet and touches my cheek with hand. “Goodnight Nessie, be a good girl. The shotgun’s under my bed and there’s pepper spray in the front hall. And _you,_ ” he frowns at Jacob. “Go home. Soon.”

I can’t help laughing as Charlie stumps up the stairs. Jacob, half groaning and half laughing, slumps sideways on the sofa, pulling me with him until he’s lying down and I’m lying with him, curled up in the crook of his arm and feeling the heat of him along my full length. “This is not a good idea,” he mumbles, as I press myself against him and he lowers his face to mine. “Not a good idea at all.”

On the contrary, I think it’s a very good idea. Knowing that tomorrow I have to say goodbye to him again, even if only for a few weeks, has me desperate to be with him now and I kiss him fiercely, my hands in his hair and wandering down over his powerful shoulders and long back. He kisses back, all smooth delicious mouth and big hot hands that cradle my head and back and twine in my hair and hold me close to him. I feel like I’m drowning in the overwhelming sensations of it all, like I’m going to fall apart or burst into flames with the intensity of what he’s making me feel with his closeness and I’m almost relieved when he gently pushes my face away from his with a groan.

 “Oh Ness, beautiful…I can’t…”

Breathing hard, I don’t know whether I want to straighten my clothes and sit up or rip them off and lie down. _Oh Jacob…_ “Yes, right,” I mutter, holding my hair off my neck for a moment to cool me down and then scrambling to my feet. “I’m just going to get milk.”

I take my time in the kitchen, drinking milk and breathing deeply, feeling my heartbeat slow and the flush on my cheeks fade. Eventually I pour Jacob a glass of water and take with me into the living room, where he’s sitting up in the corner of the sofa, flipping through the channels on the tv. He looks up at me and smiles, and drinks down the water gratefully.

I sit down at the other end of the sofa, surprised and unsettled at the magnetic pull I feel. Even sitting within reach of him, looking at him and smelling him, my body still yearns to touch him. I’m not the only one to feel it though, after staring fixedly at the tv for the space of a commercial break Jacob sighs and stretches across the sofa, laying his heavy head gently in my lap. The tension leaves me at his touch, and I stroke his glossy dark hair.

“What was that about earlier, with Leah?” I ask slowly.

“Oh, that…” Jacob gives a wry grin. “She’s good value, Leah.” His tone sobers. “She kept me together when I came back in the summer, Ness. I was…not good. I don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t been here. She hadn’t phased in years, she was kicking it as a human and had really turned her back on the whole pack, but she heard me howling that first night and she came to me. She stayed wolf with me for three days…” His voice trails off for a minute and I bite my lip and still my hands in his hair.

“I’m not saying that to make you feel bad,” Jacob shifts onto his back and looks up at me, his eyes fierce. “You can’t feel guilty about what happened. You did the right thing and I know it wasn’t any easier on you than it was on me, but I was too hurt and too angry to see it back then. Leah saw it though,” he adds thoughtfully. “She sees too much for her own good, I sometimes think, but she was right about you and me.” He gives me a smile of such softness and love that I feel my heart lurch and tears come to my eyes at the simple beauty of him. “She told me you’d come back. I told her she was insane. She told me to get my head out of my ass and be an alpha and a wolf and a man and become what I was supposed to be. She doesn’t pull any punches, that’s for sure, but damned if I didn’t need that kind of brutal honesty to get through to me.” He takes my hand and places a hot kiss in my palm. “For the first time ever I’m glad she was right and I was wrong about something…I’m glad you came back.”


	27. The Blackbird

Jacob’s fingers trace down my palm to my wrist, hooking under the braided bracelet and pulling the little wooden carvings round to where he can see them. “You like this?” he asks, his tone pleased.

I nod, touching it myself. “I do, it’s beautiful…but I don’t understand the bird. And you shouldn’t have taken my old one. I miss it.”

Jacob twitches his lip guiltily. “I know. You can have it back though.” He reaches down to his ankle and pulls of the bracelet that I hadn’t even noticed there. Instead of the string knotting to itself he’s tied the ends of it together with elastic, so it will stretch and stay on when he’s the wolf. I take it and hold it gently in my hands, as if it’s as delicate and fragile as silk.

 “I’m sorry I took it, but I wanted something of yours. I wanted something of the Ness-that-was-mine…you know? And I was angry because all the promises were broken,” Jacob looks ashamed. “I needed to grow up even more than you did I think.” He gives a wry smile. “I’m sorry I’m such an idiot.”

I laugh gently. “It’s okay. You’re not the only idiot I guess.”

“Maybe not.” Jacob fingers the little wooden bird carving. “It’s a blackbird- a raven.”

I give a start of surprise, and he looks up at me questioningly. “It’s just that there was a song that Emmett was singing one night, about a blackbird…” My voice falters. “ _Take these broken wings and learn to fly…_ “

“ _In to the light of a dark black night,”_ Jacob finishes softly. “I know it…funny that we both ended up with bird imagery.” He reaches up to touch my face. “I was thinking of you as a bird that needed to be free when I carved it. And the raven…they’re seen as a bad omen in so much Western myth and legend, but they’re not really. Blackbirds are about the mysterious, the magical and the secrecy of things hidden…all of which has been you since the day you were born, Ness. They carry with them the symbolism of all birds, flight and freedom and knowledge, but they combine this with darkness. It’s like the dual natures we have Ness, the human and the vampire, the human and the wolf…we’re not inherently evil or inherently good, we just _are_ , and we can be either, or even both.”

Impulsively I drop my face towards his, catching his lips lightly in mine. “Thank you,” I whisper.

Jacob’s hand curves around my cheek, and the eyes looking up at me are dark and intense. “There are Native American stories about the raven being the bringer of light,” he says quietly. “The raven is seen as helper to mankind, bringing light and knowledge…that’s what you are to me, Ness. What you’ve always been. You bring me light, my little bird…I carved that for you as a sign, as a symbol of what I was praying would come back to me. But I gave the bird wings, because I knew you had to be free. If you didn’t find your way back here then I would have let you go and wished you well, but I am heart glad that you’re here with me now.”

“ _Mine,”_ I whisper into his hair, my hand on his cheek showing him a thousand different pictures and thoughts and words of love. _“I love you.”_

Jacob stays with me through the night, neither of us sleeping as we talk and laugh and kiss the hours away. He slips out only as pale streaks of dawn begin lighting the sky, becoming the wolf and vanishing into the trees. Warm and happy and contented I curl back up on the sofa, into the still-warm indentation his big body left in the cushion and let myself drift into sleep.

When I wake up a few hours later the television is on, the volume low, and Leah is sitting cross legged on the other end of the sofa wearing pyjamas, watching the morning shows and eating a bowl of cereal.

“Sorry if I woke you,” she says, not sounding in the least apologetic. But a moment later she seems to relent a little, and offers me the half of a bottle of milk that’s left after pouring her cereal. “Want this? I’ve finished with it.”

“Yes please,” I sit upright and take it from her, drinking several deep swallows. “Thank you.” I play with the empty bottle, running my finger around the opening and tapping it with my fingernail to listen to the noise it makes. “I wanted to thank you for what you did for Jacob when I sent him away,” I say in a rush. “He told me he wouldn’t have got through it without you, and…well, I know you don’t like me, but I know how much I hurt him and I really, really didn’t want to do that, and I’m glad that he had someone to go to,” I mumble.

I risk a glance at Leah, who shrugs at me with her mouth full of cereal and then swallows. “Believe it or not, I don’t really have anything against you Ness. Not anymore.” She finishes her cereal and balances the empty bowl on the arm of the sofa. “Yeah, I used to hate you…but really, I hated everyone back then. You weren’t anything special.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or be offended. On the whole I think I like her blunt honesty- it reminds me of Rosalie.

“My life sucked when you knew me,” Leah says after a pause. “The whole thing with Sam and Emily; turning into a giant wolf and watching my father die from the shock in front of me; realising that not only was I doomed to be the only freak female wolf in the pack but I had to bow down to my ex-boyfriend and have him listen to every freaking through in my head…I was not in a good mood in those days, to put it mildly. Then my baby brother phased, Jake’s insanity over Bella Swan threw the pack into disarray, we wound up allies with the very bloodsuckers we were supposed to be hunting…and then all of a sudden we were all putting our lives on the line for some crazy hybrid golden child?”

I make a face. “Well, when you put it like that it’s not hard to see why you might resent me.”

Leah laughs a little. “Yeah, but it’s not as though any of it was actually your fault. You can’t help the family you were born into, or that Fate decided to fuck us all over one last time and make Jake imprint on you.”

I tap the milk bottle again, listening to the faint ringing noise it makes. “You sounded pretty mad to see me the other day,” I venture.

“I didn’t want you to screw with Jacob anymore,” she says frankly. “After what he went through with your mother – for all that half of it was his own damn fault! – and then imprinting on you as a baby…the guy needs a break, you know?” For the first time she looks uncomfortable with what she’s saying. “When he came back last summer he was a wreck. I’ve never seen him that bad and he went through hell putting himself back together. I don’t want to watch that again, Ness, I _won’t_ …but he’s my alpha and if you hurt him again, I don’t have any choice.”

“I will never hurt him like that again,” I say steadily. There are doubts and uncertainties clouding my future, but _that_ is something I am sure of.

“I hope not,” Leah says, stretching out her legs and resting her feet on the coffee table. “He’s a good guy Ness- he deserves a good life, more than most people I know. I’d like to see him happy.”

“Are _you_ happy now?” I ask hesitantly. “I always thought that it was harder for you than the boys, being part of the pack and everything that went along with that.”

Leah looks at me thoughtfully. “You know what? I _am_ happy now. My life has taken a completely different path to what I expected back when I was in high school, but that’s not a bad thing. I’ve travelled a bit and lived in the city and I’m studying to do something I really enjoy…it’s not a perfect life, but I’m not complaining. Apart from when I phased for Jake last summer I’ve basically left the pack, and for me that’s good. I’ll go back if they ever need me, this is always going to be home and whether I like it or not the wolf is in my blood, but I’m making my life mean something to me without it.”

“That’s really good,” I say sincerely. “I hated knowing what has happened here, with you and all the pack, because of my family. I’m really glad to know that it hasn’t stopped you from doing what you want, at least not completely.”

“Oh, I don’t think anything’s going to stop me,” Leah says, and despite the joking tone of her voice I feel the thread of steel running through it and I believe her. “I don’t have classes til after lunch today, so you can go and have a shower if you want to.”

“Thanks.” I gather up my bag and head upstairs, having a shower in the tiny bathroom and then walking back downstairs in my bare feet, knowing I’ll find Jacob has returned. Sure enough he’s sitting next to Leah on the sofa, watching television with her and eating cereal, and he looks up and grins at me as I descend.

“Rosalie’s going to be here in an hour,” he tells me. “So I bought the truck- we can pick her up in that and you can show it off.”

I nod and jump onto the sofa beside him, briefly pushing my face against his shoulder and feeling him turn his head and breathe in the scent of my damp hair. I have to force myself to lean back and sit up properly- all I want is to have him wrap me in his warm embrace and stay there, but in deference to Leah’s presence I try and restrain myself.

It’s raining an hour later when Jacob and I sit in the cab of the truck, parked at the single runway Forks airport, waiting for Rosalie. Jacob lets me drive, and I’m surprised how easy the huge old vehicle is to handle after all his work.

“There she is,” I murmur, as the small plane taxis to a stop. Several minutes pass before a man jumps down, holding his hand up to help Rosalie step lightly down behind him. It’s flirty Rosalie, batting her eyelashes and smiling coquettishly as they talk earnestly, and then she waves in farewell and I jump down and run to her.

“Well, that counts as my first flying lesson,” she says to me complacently. “Why didn’t I ever do that before? It was brilliant! It’s probably a bit late now to make Emmett buy me a plane for Christmas, isn’t it? But never mind that now, Miss Renesmee…” For a moment she hugs me, hard enough to squeeze the breath out of me, before she grabs my shoulders and shakes me hard enough to make my teeth rattle.

“You little brat!” she exclaims fiercely. “My god, Ren…!”

“I’m sorry!” I gasp. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!”

“I know you won’t!” She glares at me, and then her face softens and she holds me close again, this time as gently as she did when I was small. “I love you,” she whispers into my hair. “I’m glad you’re safe.”

I touch her face, _I’m sorry Rosalie. Not because you’re mad at me and I want to get out of trouble, but because I know I behaved like an idiot and I’m ashamed of myself._

Jacob clears his throat behind us. “Hey Rosalie.”

Rosalie looks at him with consideration, then her mouth quirks into a grin and, so fast that human eyes would miss it, she lunges forward and hugs him hard. “I missed you, dog.”

Jacob grins. “Hey, what do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see them!” He laughs at his own joke and then Rosalie hits him, with force perfectly calibrated to put him on his ass in the mud but not actually damage him, and I know that everything is back to normal.

“Be nice!” I admonish, rolling my eyes as Jacob scrambles to his feet and threatens Rosalie with a handful of mud to her hair. “Stop it! Rosalie, come and see what Jacob did!” Knowing it will distract her I drag her across to the truck parked in the parking lot. This ploy does distract her, but also leaves me standing somewhat disgruntled in the rain as she and Jacob open the bonnet and crawl all over it talking shop.   

Eventually they notice the rain and the three of us climb in the cab, Jacob driving us back to Charlie’s house where Rosalie immediately jumps out of the truck and inspects every inch of her Lexus. I sit miserably beside Jacob in the truck, aware that any minute now I’m going to have to say goodbye and leave him.

“Hey beautiful…don’t look like that,” Jacob tips my face up to his and gives me a crooked smile. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Not soon enough,” I say, mortified to realise I’m pouting like a baby. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I crawl onto his lap and for a minute it all feels perfect, here in this tiny world inside the cab of my new truck, all heat and pounding heart beats and strong arms and soft lips.

I’m the one who reluctantly pulls away, hearing Rosalie’s impatient noises as she walks purposefully over to the truck.

“Sorry Ren,” she says, and she actually does sound sympathetic. “But we have to go. You’ve got to get back and go to school tomorrow, and I’m sure Jacob has some cars to chase or some balls to lick or something.”

“You’re a ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” Jacob murmurs to her, raising his eyebrows as Rosalie smiles amiably back at him.

“It’s been a pleasure as always, Jacob. Saying goodbye isn’t going to get any easier Ren, so I’ll leave you to say it and then we’ll go.” She winks at me, and then slams the door of the cab and stalks towards the door of her Lexus.

I grip Jacob’s shirt in my hands and kiss him fiercely once again, and then resolutely smile at him. “I have to go. I’ll see you at Christmas though, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then. I’ll talk to you before though.” A muscle twitches in his jaw as he looks at me, and then he grabs me up for a moment and crushes me against him, holding me against his belly and chest with his arms wrapped round me and his face in my neck so that all I can feel his him. “I love you Nessie.”

When I finally pull myself away I grab my bag and bolt from the truck without looking back, flinging myself into the seat beside Rosalie and clicking the seatbelt on with jerky, uncoordinated force. This is so hard! How did I ever make him leave before, when now every single nerve and sense in my body is shrieking at me to stay beside him?

Rosalie floors the accelerator as soon as we’re outside the town limits. Assuming she’s not arrested, we’re going to be home in much less time than it took me to get here. “Look in the side pocket of my purse,” she directs, breaking the silence. I obediently pick her leather purse up from the backseat and from the side pocket draw out a shiny new pink smartphone.

“From Edward,” she says to me. “Call him- I promised him you would as soon we were on the road. You’ll notice he already keyed his number in to it.”

I laugh, because indeed the only name in the directory is _Edward Cullen_. I press it and a moment later hear his familiar voice on the other end.

“I’m sorry,” I say immediately, wondering how many more apologies I have in me. “I’m sorry for being a diva and a drama queen about this, I really am. I’m on my way home with Rosalie now and when I get there I want to talk to you and Mom properly. I promise to listen to you and be reasonable, and I really, really want you to listen to me too.” I stop to take a breath, and I can almost hear the smile in Edward’s voice when he answers me.

“It’s okay baby. I know you’re sorry, and I am too.” He clears his throat, sounding a little awkward. “I have had my tendency to overreact pointed out to me rather forcefully over the last two days. And like anyone confronted with the combined force of your mother _and_ Rosalie, I had to concede that they were possibly correct in their assessment.”

“Possibly?” muttered Rosalie, abandoning her pretence of not listening. “Edward…”

This time Dad laughs. “Okay…they were right. I did overreact about the party Ness, and I’m sorry. I also promise you that there is no tracker on your new phone. We’ll talk more when you get home. I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too.” I turn off the phone and grin over at Rosalie. “Come on Rosalie, let’s go home.”


	28. Christmas

 The music room is full of noise and chaos, people talking and laughing and the sound of instruments as people warm up. Bailey and I are sitting in a back corner with our violins quiet on our laps, watching the latest episode of _America’s Next Top Model_ on my phone when Will slips in through the door and comes and flops down beside us.

“There’s a big crowd out there,” he comments. “I didn’t realise this Christmas concert was such a big deal. I’m kind of nervous!”

Bailey giggles and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well you’re playing the triangle…I’m sure the responsibility weighs heavily on you.”

Will grins and holds up his metal triangle, dangling from one of his fingertips. “It takes a certain skill and panache to play this instrument, I’ll have you know!” He strikes it, and I solemnly applaud the sound he produces.

“I still can’t believe you voluntarily joined the orchestra,” Bailey comments, not for the first time. “Considering you can’t even play an instrument.”

“I can play the triangle!” Will protests. “And the rhythm sticks! I’m getting there with real drumming too- I think I’m getting a set for Christmas.” He grins at us. After spending so many weeks in the music room with his broken leg Will had become a little enmeshed with the whole orchestra dynamic and was more than willing to learn an instrument if it meant he could hang around.

I gently bump him with my shoulder. I had been afraid that things would never be the same between us after the party, and there was certainly a big measure of awkwardness between him, Sarah and me for the first few days after I returned from my impromptu trip to Forks. In the end though, we could all admit that we had basically been drunk and stupid, and forgiving and forgetting about it was the best way to move on. It wasn’t the same now, but we’d settled into an easy friendship that was uncomplicated by romance and I thought it was better. Sarah had begun dating a junior football player and Will had transferred his affections to a freshman flautist and we were all happy to hang out.

“I saw your crew taking up a whole row,” Will says to me. “They certainly stand out in a crowd. Who’s the dude with them…is _that_ your Jacob?”

I startle so hard I nearly drop my violin. “Jacob’s here? _Now?_ ”

Will shrugs. “Big guy, native American- that’s what you said right? God Ren, are all the men in your life twelve foot tall? It’s giving me a complex.”

My hands are shaking. “I thought he wasn’t getting here til next week. I have to…” I get distractedly to my feet, but Bailey catches hold of my hand.

“You can’t go and see him now,” she says practically. “We’re nearly on for the final set- we’ve got our duet and Will has his moment in the sun with the triangle! You’ll see him afterwards.” Her eyes crinkle up in a smile. “And you can introduce me to him- I’m dying to meet this mystery man!”

She’s right of course, but it seems like an eternity until we’re called into the auditorium for our final number and I can search him out from the stage. _There. Oh, my Jacob…_ Will is right that my vampire family with their exquisite beauty and pale perfection stands out in the crowd, but my eyes skim right over them and fasten on the figure sitting on the end of the row, and for a moment it’s like there’s no one else in the world as I smile at him and he raises a hand in return greeting.

As soon as the curtain closes on the final song I bolt from the stage. It takes all my self-control to keep to a (fast) human pace, but I’m the first one down the stairs and into the audience and then, not even thinking about who might be watching, I hurl myself at Jacob.

 _Ohhhh._ For a moment I say nothing, just clutch him tightly, jabbing him in the back with the violin I still have in my hand, breathing him in and feeling a wave of contentment and relaxation flood through me. _Oh, you’re here…my Jacob, now I’m home._ He feels it too, I can tell by the shudder that ripples across his shoulders and back and the breathless groan in my ear, and close my eyes for a minute just to savour being with him.

“Excuse me,” I hear Edward’s voice, and with great reluctance I slide down. Jake’s strong fingers lace through mine and he squeezes my hand as both of us face my father.

“Good show,” I say to him, referring to the piano he’s been playing all night.

He waves his hand dismissively. “Not the best I’ve done, but adequate. You were excellent though, and Ms Martinez spoke to Carlisle before the concert about scholarships and music camps and things.” He looks amused. “I thought you were trying to be more human?”

I grimace. “The music is hard,” I confess. “I can’t play badly on purpose!”

Edward grins. “I know. It’s fine anyway, your music is a gift and it’s not something you should try and hide. The world needs that kind of beauty. Jacob- it’s good to see you. I’m glad you made it in time.”

Jacob shakes Edward’s hand, and I notice how hard they both work not to flinch at each other’s touch- one too hot and one too icy. “The truck drives great now. You won’t even recognise the old girl,” Jacob says easily.

Bella appears at Edward’s side smiling. “I hardly did when Jake drove it up! It’s outside Ren, so you and Jake can drive it home…early Christmas present for you.” She winks at me, and I giggle and give her a brief hug.

“Thank you Momma,” I whisper, so softly that no one else will hear it. “I’ve got to go and get my things from the music room,” I say aloud. “Jacob, you want to come?”

He does, and the two of us make our way through the crowd to the music room where I left my violin case. For a moment we’re alone, and Jacob crushes me to him in an embrace that makes me dizzy as I raise my face to his for a kiss.

“God, I missed you,” he mutters. He draws away from me after a moment and looks down, his eyes sparkling. “I couldn’t stay away- I finished up the work I was doing early so I came down today.” He buries his face in my neck and we stay that way, wrapped around each other, until I hear a discreet cough behind me.

“Oh!” I say, flushing. “Will, this is Jacob…Jacob this is Will. And Bailey,” I add, as she sidles into the room, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” she murmurs to me. “I tried to make Will wait…” She shrugs helplessly and I giggle, and begin packing up my violin.

It seems as though everyone wants to talk and congratulate us on the concert, but all I want is to be alone with Jacob and at last we make it outside, moving through the light fall of snow to where he parked my truck. Once we’re inside the cab I immediately slide over on to his lap and mould myself against him, closing my eyes with a sigh. “I know they’ll be waiting for us at home,” I say quietly. “And I don’t want to get in trouble with Edward and Bella, but I just need to be with you for a minute.”

Jacob doesn’t answer, but he curves his arms around me and rests his head against mine, and I feel the way our heartbeats so effortlessly find a rhythm together. It feels so right here, being with him, that I let out a breath I don’t even realise I’ve been holding and feel all the tension drain away. Caught up in this moment of perfect peace I don’t ever want to move, but eventually I stir and say reluctantly, “We should go home.”

Jacob kisses my hair and then I scoot over to take the wheel of my beautiful new-old truck and drive him home.

“It’s all still going well with you and your mom and dad?” Jacob asks casually.

I nod. “Yeah, it’s actually really good at the moment. We’re all trying to compromise a little- Edward is trying to lose a little of the over protectiveness and I’m trying to be more understanding of where he’s coming from.” I glance quickly over at Jacob and go on quietly. “I’m more at peace with myself too. I know I’m not human and not ever going to be, and I’m learning where to draw the line for myself with what is meaningful and sensible interaction with that world. I can be more deeply involved than the rest of my family without disaster being inevitable, but at the same time I have to keep in mind that the future of any friendships I make is limited.” I think about the weeks since I ran to Jacob in Forks and about all the discussion and listening that has gone on since I returned home. “It’s not the easiest thing for me,” I admit, feeling a pang at the thought of my human friends who I’ve inadvertently come to love. “I’m not able to keep that level of detachment that the others do. Not yet anyway…I’m sure it will come with experience.” _With the experience of loss when I have to say goodbye to them and cut them off._ I don’t want to think about it, and I deliberately force myself to smile lightly at Jacob. He’s not fooled though, and his hand reaches across and gives me a comforting caress. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

When we reach it, the house is glittering with Christmas lights. Alice has gone all out again, outlining the entire exterior of the house in fairy lights and decorating every room in the house with garlands and lights and sparkling tinsel and ornaments.

“Hasn’t she ever heard of global warming and energy conservation?” Jacob mutters, but he’s smiling as he looks up at the house and then at the way the lights glimmer in my hair as I tug him up the front steps and inside, away from the snow that is beginning to fall again.

I take him on a quick tour, showing him my little room off the kitchen and then taking him ruefully all the way down to the other end of the house to the guest room in the new extension.

“Right next to Edward and Bella?” Jacob raises his eyebrows at me and laughs as he drops his duffle bag on the bed. “That’s…cosy.”

I giggle, half embarrassed. “They couldn’t have put you any further away from me unless they’d made you sleep in the yard.”

Jacob hugs me and falls backwards onto the bed, bringing me with him. “I love you,” her murmurs into my hair. “I’m so glad to be here with you at last, little bird.”

I kiss him, and feel again all the warmth and love and hard muscles and soft skin and silky hair I’ve been missing so intensely. _I love you too._

It’s some time later when I hear some overly loud talking from Edward in the next room and some rather obvious banging of drawers, and with a muffled groan I push myself away from Jacob and sit up. I can recognise a hint when I hear one! I reflect briefly that while I might not like it, it’s probably a good thing that Jacob is going to be here in his own room, with my mother and father in between us to keep me away! With a last, lingering kiss I jump off Jacob’s bed and the two of head out to the living area.

Alice, who is perhaps a little hysterical over Christmas this year, has carols playing through the stereo and is crocheting snowflake decorations with thread as delicate and fragile looking as spiderwebs as she sings along. Jasper and Emmett are playing some tabletop game of their own invention that involves hundreds of miniature soldiers, dice, cards, and an occasional arm wrestle. Edward and Bella are curled up together in an armchair playing Scrabble via their phones, and as Jacob and I drop down onto the sofa Esme and Carlisle come in from the kitchen with a plate of cookies, a mug of tea that they pass to Jacob and a glass of milk that they give to me.

I’m eating my second cookie (I might not eat human food all that frequently anymore, but cookies are something else) when Rosalie comes in from Carlisle’s office wearing a most satisfied smirk and carrying a sheaf of faxes, which she presents to Jacob with a flourish. “It’s done,” she announces proudly.

“Really? Damn, you weren’t kidding when you said you’d make it go through quickly,” Jacob says, scanning the papers with a happy grin. “This is great!”

“What is it?” I ask curiously. Looking around I see that everyone else is smiling- clearly this is a secret only from me.

“You’ve inspired me to try a new experience,” Rosalie tells me with a laugh. “I’ve decided I don’t really need another high school diploma, so I’m going to drop out after Christmas.”

I look at her blankly. “What are you going to _do_?” I wouldn’t think that dropping out of high school would cause such a gleeful look on her face, or have everyone else’s obvious approval. Nor do I see what that has to do with Jacob.

“I’m going to have a job,” she tells me calmly. “Since I’ve finally found a suitable partner to go into business with, I’ve bought the garage in town.” She looks at Jacob and smiles angelically.

I look at him in shock. “ _You_ are going to work with _Rosalie_?”  There’s a ripple of laughter around the room that even Jacob joins in with.

Rosalie rolls her eyes. “It’s going to be fine,” she says. “Jake will work when it’s sunny, and I’ll work when he’s off howling at the moon or digging holes.” She notices my frown and sticks her tongue out at me playfully. “Really Ren, you should be on your knees thanking me…you do realise what this is going to mean for you?”

I can feel the hope burgeoning in my heart as I turn to Jacob, whose eyes are alight with laughter and love. “You’re staying?” I whisper. “You’ll work with Rosalie and stay?”

Jacob nods. “I’ve got some money of my own and I’ve got a loan to buy in; when it comes to cars Rosalie and I can work together, so as long as she doesn’t start eating the customers we’ll do great.” He smiles at me tenderly. “Rosalie and I have been talking it out since just after you came to Forks, but I didn’t want to say anything until it was set. I’ve sorted out what I needed to back home, so if you still want me…I’m here to stay.”

For a moment there’s silence, and then I fling myself at Jacob with a choked cry, burying my face in his shirt as he catches me and squeezes me tight. I blindly reach up my hand and Jacob catches it in his, kisses my palm, and then holds it against his cheek.

_I’m so happy! I was so scared that you were just here for Christmas and then you’d have to go back…I can’t bear to say goodbye again. I want you with me Jake, I want you right by my side while I grow up the best way I can. Together feels like the only way we should be._

And then I just hold him, and knowing that he’s going to stay by my side, here with my family…it feels like flying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- That’s the end of Blackbird, the end of Renesmee’s story of growing up and growing away and then finding herself and her family and her Jacob all over again.  
> I want to say thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has messaged and reviewed and talked to me about this one! Thank you for giving my Ren a try and going with her as she tried to find her own happy ending. Thank you for all the words of encouragement and letting me know that you were reading and enjoying it- it’s so much fun to write with that feedback going on, and get to talk through some of the ideas and little details with people who are interested in it. I love that, so I hope no one holds back from reviewing or messaging if you have something to say. Thanks again!


	29. Extra Chapter- Rosalie POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter- Rosalie POV.  
> This is for capturedinthesky who messaged me after reading Chapter 10 – Shadows of Imprints – where Ren talks about getting her period and asked if I could write a one-off of that moment from Rosalie’s point of view. I thought it was an interesting idea and a moment that really gave some good insights into my girl Rosalie, so here’s what I came up with.  
> Since the whole incident is based around menstruation there is a lot of frank talk about periods and blood and being a girl- you’ve been warned!

“Pink or green?” Alice asked me, her finger hovering over the keyboard. “Give me your honest opinion Rosalie.” She swivelled the laptop around to face me, and I saw that she was shopping online for coats.

“I think it looks best in red,” I said after a moment’s consideration.

Alice wrinkled her nose. “For you, maybe. But I’m shopping for me…I’ll get both. It’s not as though I can’t use an extra coat.”

I went back to my book with a shrug. I could have pointed out that Alice had so many coats already that even here in Alaska where she wore them almost daily she never had to wear the same one twice, but what was it to me if she was extravagantly wasteful with clothes? She did at least donate everything to charity once she was done with it, and I was sure there were plenty of poor people who found Alice’s practically new designer cast-offs to be a saving grace in this cold climate.

I became aware that the noise and laughter coming from Emmett, Jasper and Ness as they played video games in the next room had faded. I glanced up and saw Emmett, standing in the doorway with his shoulders hunched around his ears and his hands in his pockets, as he looked at me imploringly. Behind him Nessie stood in an identical pose, except that she was biting her lip and staring at the floor, her cheeks scarlet with obvious embarrassment.

“What have you done?” I asked Emmett in exasperation. “What’s wrong, Nessie?”

“I haven’t done anything!” Emmett protested. “It’s just…it’s a girl thing.”

Ness looked as though she might burst in to tears at any moment, and I moved swiftly over to her and hugged her, feeling her arms wrap tightly around my waist and her face hiding in my shoulder. Over her head I raised my eyebrows at Emmett in mute enquiry, and he shrugged helplessly. I noticed his nostrils flaring, and then I suddenly bit my lip so hard I felt my teeth cut into it as I too became aware of what he could smell. Renesmee was having a period.

For a minute I felt pain in my heart so sharp and bitter that I gasped. Emmett, beautiful Emmett who knew me so well, reached out a hand to me but I just shook my head at him and breathed in hard.

“We’re fine Emmett,” I said softly, and my years of controlling my emotions almost as well as I controlled my thirst stood me in good stead because I sounded calm and reassuring. “I’ll take care of her.”

I could see that Emmett’s relief that this wasn’t his problem was warring with his concern for me. He hesitated for a moment and then gently tugged my lower lip free from my teeth, ducking his head slightly to look me in the eye.

“Later,” I said, and he nodded and kissed me before vanishing from the room.

“Oh my god, Rosalie, I am so embarrassed I’m going to die,” Ness moaned, her voice muffled in my shoulder.

I laughed gently and gave her a last squeeze before disentangling her. “You’re not going to die,” I said calmly. “And there’s no need for embarrassment- I think you’re overreacting a bit.”

“What’s going on?” Alice asked peevishly. “I hate not being able to see you in my visions Nessie!”

I looked at Renesmee, seeing her with fresh eyes. She grew and changed so rapidly that sometimes it felt like we were looking at a new person every week. The girl standing in front of me was so beautifully and wonderfully caught in that moment of adolescence that is right on the cusp of womanhood, all slightly too long and lanky limbs, the slight awkwardness and self-consciousness of a body growing new curves, and now this.

“Apparently Nessie is having a very human girl moment,” I said to Alice. “She’s having a period.”

The look of horror on Alice’s face might have been funny if the circumstances were different, however as it was it made me want to strangle her. “What?! But…”

Nessie’s lip trembled.

“For goodness’ sake Alice,” I snapped, “You’re worse than the boys! There’s no need to look like that, it’s not as though this never happened to you…”

“It didn’t!” Alice protested. “Not that I remember! I’m sorry Ness, but the whole idea of this is just bizarre!”

“Oh, shut up,” I muttered, taking Nessie’s hand and pulling her off to the large ground floor bathroom. Of course with no human memories Alice had no personal experience to draw on, but you’d think all those high school health classes would have given her a little more of a clue.

Ness was nearly in tears of mortification. “I’m sorry Rosalie,” she mumbled. “I’m just so embarrassed…I didn’t know! We were just playing Halo and then Jas and Em started raising their eyebrows and muttering at each other. Jasper went off and Emmett told me that he can tell I’ve got my period and maybe I should go and talk to you!”

“Calm down!” I order her. “This is not the worst thing in the world Renesmee! Jasper…well really Ness, look at the way he grew up. Women didn’t even have ankles, let alone reproductive systems, of course he’s not going to be of any use to you in this situation. Was Emmett in any way teasing or rude about this?”

Ness took a deep breath. “No. He was very kind and straightforward actually. He offered to help me, but he said that being a vampire and a man it wasn’t exactly his area and he thought you might be better.”

_Oh Emmett…I love you._ “There you go- he grew up with a mother and sisters in a little house where they all lived on top of each other, so it’s not as though he doesn’t realise that it’s just part of life. It wasn’t a big deal to him, so don’t be embarrassed.”

In the bathroom I began searching through the cupboards. I assumed that this situation was something that Carlisle would have prepared for, just in case, and sure enough in the bottom of the cupboard was a cardboard box containing just about every single form of menstrual product known to man. I couldn’t help laughing as I poked through it.

“I bet Esme put this together,” I said to Ness in amusement, pushing it towards her. “She certainly believes in having choices. Look, you’ve got regular pads, ultrathin pads, pads with wings, cloth pads, tampons, applicator tampons, a menstrual cup, sponges…these things have come a long way since I last needed them.”

“What happened then? What did you use?” Renesmee asked.

I had a sudden flash of memory of my fourteen year old self discovering that I was bleeding from in between my legs, and the sheer terror that discovery induced in me. Unlike Renesmee I had been completely ignorant of my body and its inner workings, and there had been no sympathetic older and experienced relatives to explain things and reassure me that I wasn’t dying. I sighed, and stood up. “I’ll give you some privacy for a minute, then come out to the kitchen and you can have some ice cream and I’ll tell you about it.”

I slowly spooned ice cream into a bowl for Ness, gazing absently out of the window as the memories rose in my mind, clear and vividly painful. As vampires our human memories faded but, maybe because I’d clung to my human self so fiercely in my early vampire days, my recollections had always remained clearer than those of the others, especially when something happened to trigger them.

Alice flitted across the kitchen to stand beside me. “I’m sorry about before,” she said contritely. “It was just such a surprise! IT truly never occurred to me that Nessie’s body would work that way. And I really don’t have any memory of being human, so it’s all rather strange and mysterious to me.”

I shrugged. “It shouldn’t be a surprise really. She’s half human, and anyone with eyes can see she’s growing up.” I fought to keep the bitterness out of my voice and my tone light.

 I heard her footsteps and then her heartbeat and soft breathing- the things that had always marked Renesmee’s humanity- and I turned as she came and dropped into a seat at the table, looking at me with a rather woebegone face.

“Why so gloomy Nessie?” Alice chirped, dancing over to her and giving her a kiss on the forehead. “I’m sorry I was so surprised before, but now you’re a woman my sweet baby girl- we should celebrate!”

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked, placing the bowl of ice cream in front of her and sitting down opposite, looking at her in concern. “If you’re having cramps or anything I can get you a heat pack or some drugs.”

“It’s not that,” Renesmee licked the spoon, not looking at either Alice or I as she mumbled hurriedly, “It’s just that you can all smell me, and that’s gross and embarrassing and…is it awful for you? Does it make it harder to be near me because it’s blood?”

 “No.” I hastened to reassure her, and Alice shook her head in agreement.

“It’s made up of so many other things besides blood it’s not in the least bit appealing,” Alice said frankly. “Remember, probably half the population at high school and college are menstruating on a semi regular basis- if that was a problem for vampires we’d never even be able to leave the house.”

Renesmee giggled, and took another spoon of ice cream.

“Please don’t worry that we can catch the scent,” I said softly. “It’s not as though any humans would- this is just a vampire thing and we smell everything. We’re used to it. It’s not gross and you don’t need to be embarrassed. It’s a normal thing and no one is going to make you feel uncomfortable about this, I promise you that. Believe me- Jasper will be too embarrassed to even think about it, Esme and Bella will understand what you’re going through, Carlisle’s a doctor and so is Edward, more or less, and Emmett…” I paused. “Well, he was good to you today, right? I’ll rip his balls off if he teases you, and I’ll tell him so, okay?”

Renesmee smiled at me, and Alice winked at me as she said cheerfully, “Trust us Ness, this is fine…nothing in the world smells as bad as that god-awful wet dog smell of your Jacob!”

Ness made a face at Alice as she laughed, and as she slurped up some more ice cream she said to me, “You said you’d tell me about your first time.”

I grimaced. “I did, didn’t I? Well, I was fourteen and I wouldn’t say it was exactly the nicest day of my life.”

I remembered waking up in the morning after a restless night, feeling cranky and uncomfortable with an unfamiliar, heavy ache low in my belly. I pushed back the covers and then half screamed as I caught sight of the dark crimson stain that had soaked through my nightgown and onto the sheets. What _was_ that?

My first instinct had been disgust as I scrambled out of bed and yanked off my bloodied nightgown, but that was almost immediately superseded by fear as I looked down at my body and saw the smears on my thighs. Even as I watched, a dribble of blood slid down my skin and I shuddered. _What was wrong with me? Surely I couldn’t be bleeding from there?_ With a shaking hand I reached in between my legs, and I couldn’t stop the tiny whimper of terror when my fingers came away red.

For one panic stricken minute I didn’t move, having no idea what to do. Then there was a noise at the door and I spun round, clutching the nightgown to my front to hide my nakedness. “Mother…”

“Rosalie, why aren’t you dressed? What do you…oh,” Mother’s lip curled in distaste. “What a mess.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. I didn’t know what I was apologising for- I only knew that something about this painless bleeding from my private place and my mother’s look of disgust made me feel shameful.

“Well, it’s hardly a surprise. Go into the bathroom and wait for me.”

As soon as she was gone I wrapped my robe tightly around my body and scuttled along the hallway to the bathroom. Struggling to hold back tears I snatched up my face washer and scrubbed furiously at my legs, even as a pain gripped my belly and there was another ooze of blood from that recently grown hair between my thighs.

The door behind me opened and I stood up, refastening my robe as my mother came in, closing the door behind her. In her hands she carried a paper bag which she passed across to me. Curious, I looked inside and made a face at what appeared to be some loops of elastic and some kind of baby diaper.

“That’s what you’ll need to use to take care of this,” Mother said stiffly, not looking at me. “Dispose of the used ones in the trash please, and change them often enough that you don’t make a mess of your clothes. Keep them tucked away in your room and make sure you let Joanna know when you need more.”

“You mean this is _supposed_ to happen?” I asked incredulously. “But it’s disgusting!” A cramp gripped my belly, fingers of tight pain spreading across my lower back, making me shift uncomfortably. “It hurts.”

“It’s part of being a woman Rosalie. It will happen about once a month and you’ll just have to put up with it. You’re not a child anymore.” My mother’s voice was stiff with embarrassment and, suddenly self-conscious as her eyes raked across my body, I crossed my arms over the breasts that had grown so big so rapidly that I still wasn’t used to them being part of me.

“You need to be conscious of the fact that you’re growing up now, and always conduct yourself with the manners and discretion expected of a young lady,” Mother lectured, and I nodded silently. This was a lecture I had heard often. “Put yourself together now, and take your soiled sheets and nightgown down to Joanna for laundering.”

As soon as she closed the door behind her I sat down on the toilet with a thump, scowling fiercely in an effort to hold back tears. For a moment I wished Mother was like Mrs Becker, my friend Vera’s mother, who was soft and round and loving and always talked to us with gentle honesty. She wouldn’t have just handed me a diaper I didn’t even know what to do with and told me it was being a woman and I’d have to get used to it…none of which even made any sense! Being a woman was breasts and hips and that beautiful new figure I was secretly so proud of; it was having men look at me, not just boys but grown up men who were now looking and paying attention to how pretty I was; being a woman was about parties and lunches and dances; it was finding a husband so that I could have a beautiful wedding and a home of my own, and one day my own pretty little babies to love…not this disgusting bloody mess and pain in my belly!

It took several minutes to decipher the instructions included with the products in my paper bag, and several more minutes fiddling about with the elastic belt and the pins and pads to get everything on and attached and adjusted but eventually it was done, and with a sigh I wrapped my robe around me again and trudged back to my room to dress and take care of the mess I’d left in there.

“So that was my first period,” I said to Renesmee and Alice with a rueful smile. “Completely unexpected and unknown, so I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. Even once my mother told me it was supposed to happen she didn’t explain why, or really give me any idea what to expect with it. And the whole belt and pad ensemble...what a pain that was! And yet at the time I was at least thankful that I was able to use the ‘modern’ disposable pads, because some of my friends were still washing reusable ones.”

Nessie looked disturbed. “Your mother…she never told you what to expect? Or your dad?”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “No. My parents were very _proper_ , for want of a better term, and my father wouldn’t have dreamed of speaking of personal matters to me. He left that to my mother, but she was somewhat cold and distant really…she wasn’t an awful person, she loved me, but she was a product of her upbringing and she didn’t talk about things like that. Even when I was engaged and planning my wedding she just told me that there were certain ‘marital obligations’ I’d have, and that I must just obey my husband and do what he told me.”

Renesmee looked at me blankly. She had grown up in a house where education was practically a religion and knowledge was almost worshipped- the idea of refusing to share knowledge and perpetuating ignorance was completely unknown to her. “That’s crazy.”

“It is a little bit.” I watched her eating her ice cream with evident enjoyment, trying not to remember how brutal the shattering of my innocence on that point had been. “So you feel better about this?”

Ness nodded. “Yeah. I was mostly just embarrassed, and I felt self-conscious. But if you promise me that I’m not walking around reeking…”

Alice giggled. “Definitely not! This is a wonderful moment Nessie, you’re really growing up and that should be celebrated! Just pretend Rose and I are eating ice cream with you and we’re all sharing our period stories and feeling the glow of womanhood!”

_Ohhh._ It’s like the knife in my heart twisted at Alice’s words, but I smiled gamely at Nessie and rolled my eyes at Alice and tried to pretend, again, that I wasn’t hurting.

“Okay Alice,” Renesmee scoffed, placing her empty bowl in the dishwaster. “Whatever you say…glow of womanhood?” She came over and bent forward to hug me as I sat in my chair, laying her warm cheek against my cold one. “Thank you Rosalie. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m going to go play my violin now,” Renesmee said cheerfully, and Alice and I silently watched her leave the room. As soon as she was gone I put my face in my hands for a moment, pressing hard against my eyes and fighting against the rising tide of heartbroken rage that had been simmering deep in my heart.

“Rose,” Alice’s voice was soft, holding a note of loving pity. “Please don’t do this…”

“Shut up,” I said, my voice ragged with repressed emotion as I pushed myself away from the table. “You don’t understand Alice, you never will.” I didn’t look at her as I turn and ran from the house, away from Alice’s pity and away from Renesmee, just for that moment unable to reconcile my fierce and complete love for her with the brutal pain her very existence sometimes caused me.

I ran fast in a futile effort to escape the hurt I felt at being confronted once again with my beloved girl’s growth and change and development…all things I still longed for and yet could never have. Again I was overwhelmed with the bitter feelings of loss, of jealousy and frustrated desires, the pain of inadequacy and the shame of failing _again_ to accept my life and my fate with graciousness. And when I couldn’t outrun all that hurt I stopped and turned to furious, explosive destruction- trees upended and thrown and shattered and rocks smashed as I tried, desperately and unsuccessfully, to find a way to let all those intense, agonised feelings go.

I was so caught up in the emotional storm that I didn’t notice at first that Emmett had followed me. It wasn’t until I saw him standing beside a tree I’d reduced to nothing more than a pile of firewood that I paused. He looked at me steadily, his eyes kind, and with a hopeless snarl I threw the boulder I was holding straight at his head. He ducked easily and it disappeared into the trees behind him with a crash, but I didn’t see it land as I focussed on Emmett, holding out his hands to me with his mouth softening into that familiar, beloved smile.

“Oh, Rosa girl…”

I shook my head furiously. “Don’t Emmett…I can’t…”

Before I could blink he was in front of me, wrapping his arms around me in an iron embrace as I whimpered. “It’s always the same!” I gasped. “I can’t change, I can’t grow, I can’t become something else…I’m never going to be anything other than what I am right now! And I hate it Emmett, I hate it…I hate what I am, I hate that I’m jealous of Nessie because she has something that I would give anything for, I hate that I feel this way, I hate that it still hurts like this…” My words disappeared into an inarticulate howl of nothing less than grief, my noise and shaking muffled against Emmett’s broad chest and in his loving arms.

“Oh, beautiful girl…please don’t do this to yourself, don’t…I love you, you know that, you’re perfect just as you are…” Emmett kissed me fiercely, and I felt his love and compassion heating me like a flame as he gripped my face in his big hands and made me look at him. “You’re mine,” he said, and his voice was low and rough with emotion. “You are all that I want Rosa girl, and I know how it hurts you, I know…I wish I could give you what you want. It kills me that I can’t, that I have to see you hurt like this…but I love you baby doll. No matter what, forever, always…I love you.”

He kissed me again, hard and desperate, and I groaned as the anger turned to desire and I kissed him back. “Love you,” I muttered, hooking a foot behind his leg and pushing him so he fell backwards, letting myself fall with him. “Love me, Emmett, please…just love me.”

He didn’t answer with words, but he stripped my body as bare as my soul was to him and with his beautiful mouth and hard body and big hands he showed me again how much he loved and wanted and needed me. Fierce and wild and almost violent at first, amongst the rubble of my destruction, but then the tempest of emotion was washed away in the healing waves of pleasure and love, until at last I lay in his arms, quiet and calm.

“I love you, pretty girl,” Emmett murmured, his thigh pushing in between mine.

“I’m sorry,” I said bleakly. “I keep thinking that I’ve accepted what is, and then something happens and I hate everything all over again, and I don’t know what to do with a hurt that big.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Emmett’s hands caressed me, running through the long silky length of my hair and tracing over the slopes of my body. “God, you’re so beautiful baby.”

“You mustn’t let Ness know about this,” I said quietly. “She’s growing up and she should feel proud and excited about what her life holds for her. I don’t ever want her to feel as though she is in any way responsible for my happiness or hurt.” I hooked my leg over his hip and pressed up against him, kissing him in the hollow of his collarbone, as close to him as I could get, needing that proximity. “Please don’t think that I’m not happy to be here with you,” I said hesitantly, feeling that inner curl of shame at the idea of hurting Emmett because of my own obsessions. “You know that you mean more to me than anything…”

“I know,” Emmett smiled at me, brushing his fingers tenderly across my lips. “You and me, baby…this is what we have and this is all that we need, but that doesn’t mean sometimes we don’t sometimes wish for something different.”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “Something different…” And just for a second I allowed myself to picture it: the way Emmett’s hands would have rubbed my swollen belly to feel the squirming life inside, the way we would have curled up together with the baby between us, all of us with warm human skin and beating hearts, the way Emmett would have looked at me as I fed the baby milk, and the way we would marvel at what we’d made together, that dream baby that was part of both of us and yet still their own, unique, little miracle.

I closed my eyes and breathed, and let the images in my mind drift away as I focussed on what I had. This big naked man with his soft golden eyes and beautiful body and steadfast, loving heart… _love you, want you, need you. Always._ My Emmett, who loved me enough to make this life enough. Maybe I didn’t have everything I had ever wished for, but as long as I had him in my life I knew I had exactly what I’d always needed.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- Interesting one to write- just a little insight into Rosalie and her human life and her reaction to Renesmee growing up the way she no longer can.   
> I liked the idea of looking at the event of Rosalie’s first period to show her relationship with her mother and how that influenced her personality and her views on being a woman and a mother. I think Rosalie’s relationship with her parents was probably fairly distant- they’re not horrible people, they love her and spoil her, but they’re very much caught up in the way things look and how they are perceived by other people and that rubs off on Rosalie. She is raised from childhood to believe that being a woman is about her looks, about being noticed and flirted with by men, about marrying well and being the lady of the house and eventually having her own children.   
> I think all of that contributes to her unhappiness as a vampire, in that she really has lost everything she ever believed her life should be about, all that she ever wanted. I also think her distant relationship with her mother influences her somewhat romanticised notions of having a baby and being a mother herself- she wants something she’s never experienced and that she imagines as being perfect.


End file.
